Posts Tagged With: Chiropractor

Life Interrupted…Again

I’ve been sitting here on the couch. That is all. And yet there seems to be movement going on in my body. Movement of sickies taking over. The sinuses are getting fuller. The chest is getting a bit tighter and the cough is happening more and not just a little bit. This time it’s not looser like this morning. It’s getting tighter and the cough is turning more into a “bark” as I’ve called it. And this is just as I’m sitting here.

The cough came on apparently just for fun at about 10am this morning. It was more like a tickle. It was looser like it has been if I start to feel sick at all these days. Things have changed a lot since I started seeing my Chiropractor earlier this year and it’s been helping to boost my immune system with each session. Usually when I’ve felt sick now it starts up just a bit and then an adjustment or my own body fight it off.

Actually, I thought that’s what I was doing last week. I can’t really describe how I felt last week. I felt a wee bit sick and it was kicking my whole body into a bit of an edge-of-a-flare-overdrive. I was also exhausted. So I did a lot of sleeping and seemed to finally fight it off by the end of the week. And then yesterday what I believe are allergies, started.

This is my typical sick path. It starts with just getting that “pre-sick” feeling. Hard to describe but I’m guessing you know what I’m talking about. Then it comes on heavy, starts as allergies and immediately transforms into a full on infection. Been doing that pretty much my whole life off and on. I’m very sensitive to stuff. Stick me in a bubble and I swear I’d still get sick. It’s ridiculous.

So I started taking care of my almost chronic infections with a Pulmonologist almost 2 years ago and he helped me turn a corner to a much better version of “better”. There were actually breaks in between infections. And then earlier this year I started seeing a Chiropractor who has helped me keep the sickies away at least 6 times. Well not this time.

I saw him today. So my “allergy sickies” started yesterday…again. And they have been relentless. And then this morning the cough started at about 10am. I saw my Chiropractor at about 12pm. I told him about it and he said, “Well it sounds like you need an immune boosting Chiropractic adjustment”. I agreed. I felt much better from the adjustment. I start to take a walk outside again after the adjustment and the here come the full sinuses. Here comes the cough. They picked right up where they started.

So I’m thinking at this point in the afternoon that perhaps the adjustment dragged out the sickies. Perhaps I’ll be feeling a bit worse before feeling better. Well OK.

PERHAPS.

But at about 5pm I wasn’t thinking too much about it as I rested on the couch and debated getting up to feed Cleo and perhaps have dinner myself and then do some paperwork…

UNTIL I COULD FEEL THE INFECTION MOVING INTO MY BODY AND TAKING OVER.

It’s pretty much what it felt like as I sat there.

This is my LIFE.

LIFE INTERRUPTED…AGAIN.

So hard. So frustrating. So uncool. I’m trying to get some things done. I have my parents visiting in 4 days. I had plans this weekend. Yes I have learned to be flexible but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t get in the way.

Yet again I have to STOP.

STOP.

My body needs me to give it love. My poor body. My poor mind. My mind had other plans. There is life happening around me. I get so tired of resting. I get so tired of drinking and taking yucky medications and teas and special concoctions in order to TRY to feel better. I get so tired of feeling crappy. I have symptoms 24/7 of some sort. They have not stopped for at least 11 years. There is always some kind of discomfort going on in my body.

I have MS, lupus and IBS as my main crap.

THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

But it isn’t. ‘Tis the season for getting sick. I’ll need to stay up tomorrow morning after feeding my Cleo Kitty and call my doctor’s office to try to get squeezed in for the day.

ON A FRIDAY.

Yuck.

I’ve found myself in a lot more acceptance in these almost 11 years since my multiple sclerosis diagnosis but I really just want it all to stop bothering me to be honest. I am tired of not feeling good. I am tired of all of it. I am tired of having a disability. I am tired. This is my life.

LIFE INTERRUPTED…AGAIN.

Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m still living. I know I can still have a life when I’m sick. But so much of it has to stop. I need to rest. I can’t be going out a lot. I can’t be using my brain too much or I get fatigued. We all know what it’s like to be sick. We have to really stop everything in order to get better. It’s just the way it is.

And I’m told I can work. Well tomorrow morning I need to try to get in to see a doctor. That doctor would probably tell me to be out sick for a few days. This can happen anytime and for numerous reasons for my body. It is not that easy to work. I’m not employable right now and that can really upset me if I think about it too much. I need to see doctors, I need to rest and try to recover, I need to deal with crappy bills and insurance, I need to have medical tests done and I need to have time to be me…

Last week I fought what is probably this same sicky bug and didn’t do much for almost a week. This week has been much better but here I go again. I’m trying to have a life flow here and get some things done.

But my body needs love and attention.

It needs to be Priority.

Again.

And so now that my sinuses continue to fill up and the cough hurts me when I breathe as I write this I will stop writing.

Because yes, my life has been interrupted again.

 

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The “Cool Kids”…as if I know how they are…

I just wanted to be like the “‘Cool Kids” tonight. That’s all.

You know. The “Cool Kids”. The people who are doing stuff that is cool that I don’t get to do.

Right? Aren’t those the “Cool Kids”?

Well that’s what it feels like tonight. I did all my stretches and workouts today which is pretty darn good. I did everything I could do for me and for my health. And…

I ADDED A NEW STRETCH…

That NEW STRETCH has kicked my butt. Everything changed from that point. Even attempting this NEW STRETCH did me in. It was sooooo hard. I haven’t had to attempt such a hard stretch in a long time. Oh good. I’m glad I’m not putting the word “stretch” in capital letters anymore. It doesn’t deserve to have such Power over me. But it sure did take over my life today. Everything in my body changed at that point. I was able to keep exercising but I had to rest after trying to do the stretch and then start up again. My whole body was yelling at me. This is a new stretch given to me by my Chiropractor. I had tried to do this stretch last year with my Physical Therapist at the time and I couldn’t even get in the right position so we decided it wasn’t the “right” time to even TRY it. And now, the stretch is back to haunt me. At least I was able to get in the right position and I kinda pulled it off but it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to try in a long time.

HOLY CRAP.

I’m determined to conquer this stretch. I know it’s a good one. I know it affected my whole entire body. I’m gonna get it. I am. BUT not today.

So because of that stretch…and the fact that I have multiple sclerosis, lupus, irritable bowel syndrome and all kinds of other crappy issues that go with these three yuckies, I DON’T GET TO HANG OUT WITH THE “COOL KIDS” TONIGHT. (I know I know. Perhaps I’m the “Cool Kid” for staying home and resting and not pushing it too hard. Yeah whatever. Still not Cool. I’m not in the mood to look at the brighter side of things just yet. Sometimes I don’t want to make concessions.)

Corey has an Improv show tonight. Actually, it’s debuting tonight. Brand new and full of silly. I just know it. I love to see him up there. He looks so full of joy and really blooms on stage. Makes me happy to see him happy.

BUT NO.

MS, lupus and IBS have reared their ugly heads…YET AGAIN.

YET AGAIN…

They decide my night.

YET AGAIN…

They stop me from getting out.

YET AGAIN…

They interrupt my life.

And you know what? It’s not OK. Not tonight. I will deal. I will get some rest. Everything will happen even if I don’t get to go. I’m not as upset as I used to be about it but I’m definitely not happy either.

AND I’M TIRED OF NOT “GETTING TO GO”.

I’M TIRED OF HAVING TO SAY “NO”.

I’M TIRED OF BEING “LEFT OUT”.

I’M TIRED OF HAVING TO CALCULATE WHEN I CAN AND CAN’T DO STUFF. FUN STUFF!

And it’s when I can’t do the FUN STUFF that’s the worst.

And time will happen. I’ll have another chance to see this new show next month again. Perhaps I’ll be able to go. Maybe I’ll even be able to hang out with the “Cool Kids” and be one of them.

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THE OK POLICE

It’s time for a confession:

I haven’t written in awhile. It looks like it’s been over 2 months. The truth is, I’ve been watching my back. I’ve been keeping an eye on happenings around me. I’ve been looking over my shoulder even more. I feel like my last post revealed something illegal.

It feels ILLEGAL to say “I’m OK”.

WHAT????

To be honest, I have been waiting for the “OK Police” to track me down, to find me. Clearly if I have put in writing that “I’m OK” then I’ll be found out. How dare I have MS, lupus, IBS and all kinds of other issues and be OK? What am I thinking? Clearly then I should be working and living that “normal” life right?

I MUST be ready for a job. I MUST be ready to add that chaos back into my life. I MUST feel well enough to work.

Something happened in April of this year that I have yet to write about here because to be honest I’m still not ready to get into too many details. What I will say is that an entity who shall remain nameless stopped helping me financially and my legal counsel advised me that it was because by writing a Blog and being “able to write” then CLEARLY I can WORK.

OBVIOUSLY.

OH WHAT A FANTASY. I WISH IT WAS THAT EASY.

Or maybe it is right? Well let’s see what I can do in the morning if I were to go to work right now? I can get up early in the morning, stretch my body in the bed before I even get up because due to my MS and lupus my body has stiffened through the night, I can try to do some spiritual routines to help me have hope to get through even the next hour, I can shower which ALWAYS feels like an EVENT, I can put on all the creams and do all the Dermatologist ordered regimens in order to protect myself against sun sensitivity due to my lupus, I can feed my Cleo Kitty, I can think through my fog-addled brain that includes a regular feeling of tired along with MS fog and lupus fog, I can make my breakfast, I can take all my vitamins and medications, I can pull together a lunch for the day, oh yeah and how could I forget putting on clothes which can wear me out, I can put my shoes on with hands that are probably achy and stiff due to MS and lupus, I can do my stretches that usually now take 2 hours to do that have been provided to me by my Chriropractor, my Physical Therapist and those I have learned over the years, I can brush my teeth that requires movement of my hands and arms, I can go to the bathroom which is probably TMI and obvious to some but that depends on the ingredients of this experience, I can find my keys which even to normal people is hard to do, I can be sure to wear my sun protective jacket or shirt AGAIN because of my lupus sun sensitivity issues, I can put my hat on my head and flatten anything that might have looked like a PASSABLE hair do, I can grab my bags and hope I can even carry them, not to mention just dragging and pushing through all my symptoms I might be having for the day like FATIGUE which is a huge issue for me, stiffness as mentioned a bit before, weakness, balance issues, aches and pains, the itchies, HEAT FATIGUE which is separate from regular fatigue and is still playing a bit part of my life here in LA even as October looms, SUN FATIGUE where yes even the UV rays sneak through the CLOSED window blinds and can affect my lupus, dry mouth, dry eyes, numbness, tingling, nausea, constipation, and all the other digestive icky stuff and I could go on and on about symptoms, and THEN I can hopefully remember what I need to bring and actually bring it (Memory is also a serious issue and symptom), go into the hallways into different UV rays and temperature, lock the door if I can remember to, go into the elevator, deal with the fluorescent lights that could also affect my lupus due to the UV rays that blare from these awful lights, ride the elevator and hope I don’t get dizzy (another symptom) from movement, all the while hoping I can stand this whole time if my legs will let me, walk to my car, unlock it and put the stuff in my car and then get into the other side of the car…….AND is anyone else tired?  I mean, I haven’t even left the apartment building yet.

AND THAT IS JUST THE MORNING.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it. This is what I go through every morning if I have a morning doctor appointment to go to. This is what so many of us do. Have you all realized what you do in the morning? JUST the morning? It’s a wonder we can do anything EVER.

AND YET, I’M WORRIED ABOUT THE “OK POLICE”. That I might get “found out”.

I mean, Gawd forbid I say I’m OK. It’s as if the Disability Police are going to come and tackle me and say they “caught me”. That I’m going to admonished for being “OK”.

What is OK? Well, that is a very broad term for all of us. Yet some people and entities who shall not be named choose to think it must mean all is right with me or you or whomever it the subject of those 2 LETTERS.

2 LETTERS can implicate you. 2 LETTERS have the power to make me feel guilty. To make me feel guilty about what????? I have friggin’ MS and lupus! It’s a miracle to even think I could be the LETTERS “O” and “K”. Seems to me, those that think I can do more than I do should feel guilty if anyone.

Come on now. Sure, a lot of this is in my own head. But where did it come from? It came from a society that believes that we have to keep going and going and we’re NOTHING if we don’t keep going and we must be “LAZY” (if we stop and smell the roses for goodness sakes–needless to say I really don’t like that word because there is such a negative connotation to it) and that we have to accomplish the world and yet that’s never good enough is it? We live in a world that judges based on words, based on outward appearances when so much of what we ALL go through is invisible to the eye. So we live in a life of constant stress don’t we?

WHY?

Why are we so concerned with what others are doing?  Why do we decide it’s wrong? Why do I think I’m wrong for being “OK”? Why can’t I celebrate it?????

For so long I have struggled. For so long I have felt CRAPPY. For so long something was wrong.

So why be so worried about the “OK Police”? Why can’t I just live my life? Why on earth do I have to be punished for feeling a bit better?

BETTER.

Now there’s a wide open word for ya. Oh my goodness! She said she’s better so it must mean that all bad and uncomfortable things have come to an end. I have news for everyone who thinks these things and all entities who use that word to stop taking care of someone who actually deserves the help (YES I SAID DESERVES THE HELP)! Guess what???? BETTER DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM ALL BETTER AND I AM READY TO STEP BACK INTO THE WORLD AND WORK MY BUTT OFF NOT JUST ON TAKING CARE OF ME BUT ALSO TO WORK 40 HOURS A WEEK AND WORK AT LEAST THE EQUIVALENT OF MY PAST JOB AND WORK UP TO 50 (YES I SAID 50) MILES AWAY FROM WHERE I LIVE! And yes I am yelling.

Better means there is improvement. It means that I don’t feel so absolutely miserable that I don’t know how I can make it another day. And no that has nothing to do with ending my life. It means what I just said. It means that maybe, just maybe I can eat more than toast. It means that I might even be able to write a bit. It means I might be able to take a shower without wearing myself out.

OH NO! I’m writing a Blog! A Blog! I can clearly work right?

WRONG. Since I’ve been writing this post today my hands and arms have been throbbing a bit but I am determined to write it. I will not keep it all in and be quiet and stuffed into a dark corner where no one even has to know I exist. I have news for you. I do exist. I have a name and I have a life and I am not less than. I deserve to be heard. I have so much that I could feel crappy about. I have so much reason to think no one wants to hear me or see what I write. Those are delusions however. I will FEEL this afterwards. I won’t be able to wash the dishes by hand because we have no dishwasher and it’s the only way to get them clean. I won’t be able to think clearly for awhile because I’ve used so much of my mind energy to write and focus on this that is also so fulfilling.  I won’t be able to do the 4 loads of laundry even with my husband’s help because I’ll need to rest. I also won’t be able to focus on the bills that need to be done. Yes, I even do bills. I struggle through them cognitively (I deal with a hard time concentrating quite often due to MS symptoms.)

Oh sorry. Should I have even mentioned that I can sometimes do dishes and sometimes even do laundry with help? Or that I do bills? Yes, even those of us who are disabled have bills to pay. Lots of them. We may not have a lot of money to pay for them though. Heck, we might even have more due to health insurance and other medical expenses that drive us out of our minds. Or maybe I shouldn’t be writing this because then it will look like I can work. Again, I’d be expressing myself too which might be bad.

My awesome Chiropractor, or Holistic Healing Coach as I like to call him, ordered me to celebrate me feeling better and turning a new corner to improved healing. He said I should shout it out. I still cowered a bit when he said that and he noticed it right away. “Why are you sinking a bit?”, he asked me. I had to tell him I felt guilty. “Guilty? Why? Embrace it! Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise, especially you.” I’m trying Dr. D I’m trying.

Isn’t that the whole point? Shouldn’t I be encouraged to take the time I need to be getting the help I need even financially that by the way is not mooching from the system? Shouldn’t it be OK to see me out and about? (There’s those 2 letters. Uh oh.) Shouldn’t I be cheered on to keep doing what I need to do so I can become even more of an “accepted” member of society? Here’s an idea. Perhaps if I keep doing what I need to do to heal and recover I can go back to working because yes, I do want to be working. Sure I don’t think I can ever go back to doing what I was doing or being in that kind of environment again. It was too chaotic. It was just too much for me. That’s OK. (those 2 letters just keep sneaking up on me). But I’d really like to help people in some way. That would be neat. Maybe there’s a future career in that for me.

So today I declare that I shall not let my own mind become the “OK POLICE”! I shall not let the thoughts, attitudes and feelings of others affect how I live my life. (Oh wow. This might be too much to ask for at once.) I shall not let others get me down.

I SHALL RISE UP!

Perhaps maybe even one day in the near future I’ll be better than “OK”. How cool would that be?

But I have news for everyone who thinks that I should be able to jump into the life of a “working” person. Actually, this brings me to a new tangent. Just writing that line has sidetracked me. I’m going to keep these thoughts in this order for you all to read because sometimes stream of consciousness is so important to help us understand each other. Here’s a thought:

I AM A WORKING PERSON ALREADY.

My JOB is to keep taking care of myself. Do you know how hard that is? How good are you at taking real care of yourself? It is much more than a full time job! Heck, I need an assistant just to help take care of ME. I DO WORK. I still go to AT LEAST one doctor appointment a week. I still have to chase down my medications and supplements. I still have to try to eat healthy. I still have to exercise. I still have to make sure I get enough rest because gosh darn it life is tiring and then adding multiple sclerosis and lupus on top of it magnifies it a gazillion times more.

IT’S WORK.

ANYWAY…back to having “news for everyone who thinks that I should be able to jump into life of a ‘working’ person” as mentioned above before my tangent. MS and lupus are no joke. They are not CHOSEN as part of my life path. They are DISEASES. They literally cause way too much “Dis-Ease”. They are always making me feel something uncomfortable. Yes, I am STILL always feeling a symptom. There has not been a break in years. Over 10 years AT LEAST. And they can get worse and flare up WITH NO NOTICE. They are completely unpredictable.

SO NO. I’m not OK enough to work just yet. I’m not sure I will ever be. This doesn’t make me feel so good about myself sometimes. It’s one of the hardest realities to ever have to live with.

WHY? Maybe we’re not all supposed to be members of the Rat Race. There are so many other ways to live our lives as part of humanity. If we all did the same thing we wouldn’t get anywhere.

So you know what, “OK Police”, try it. Try to tackle me and then what? Because here’s the thing. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CURE MY MS AND LUPUS. THEY ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE.

And it is OK (I say this proudly now) for me to be OK. It is OK for me to need your help if I asked for it. It is NOT OK for you not to help me if you are judging all I do on what you read on a screen. (I am sending this message along to an entity who judged me by my writing.) And while I continue along this path of OK-ness I’d really like it if you would at least join me before judging. We can walk together. We don’t have to stand next to each other especially because I’ll still be working on even being “OK” with you being on my path but I’d really like it if you’d try to UNDERSTAND me first before PUSHING ME DOWN and doing your best to make me INVISIBLE.

And to tell the truth to my own mind, since this really is just one big discussion with my insecure sensitive mind, it’s been 2 months since I wrote that lost Blog post about how “I’m OK” and not once have I even caught a glimpse of the “OK Police”. I can let it go now. I can at least try to.

AND I WILL CELEBRATE AND EMBRACE THE FACT THAT I AM GETTING BETTER! Sure it’s not the better I want but it is still Progress. It doesn’t have to be Perfect (dang it), but it’s in the right direction. I deserve a good quality of life just like everyone else. And I am really starting to feel it.

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Doctors: Please Take ME Into Consideration

Full Name: Nahleen Virginia (Knight) Blake. Knight is my Maiden Name. Where did Nahleen come from? Well funny you should ask. I’m sure I’ll have to repeat to you over and over how to say it and how to spell it but let’s get it right the first time. What’s the significance of Virginia? It’s my Grandmother’s Name.

Birth Date: 5/28/77. Thanks! Yes I just turned 36. Uh huh. I’m aware of what 36 means. Wait, what does it mean? Do I dare ask?

Male/Female: I’ll let you guess.

Phone Number: Oh great now you’re gonna bug me all the time.

Any Other Good Numbers to Call?: Nope. And even if there were some I wouldn’t give them to you because you’d chase after me and I’d get no peace. And no you are NOT getting my work number. I made the mistake of telling you that number before and you kept calling me there. Um hi. I’m busy there.

Address: Great. You might stalk me. You’ll at least be sending me bills here. Why else would you want it? Why do I want to give this to you?

Is This a Good Billing Address?: Knew it. It’s all about the $.

Emergency Contact Phone Number: ACK! What’s gonna happen here? There’s gonna be an Emergency here? What if I have no one? And if I give you someone, will you call them every time you can’t reach me? What if that person is across the country? How will they know where I am? Great, now they’ll be worried.

Weight: Does that really matter? Is this any indication of anything? There is no black and white here.

Height: 5’Short–according to my Chiropractor I should be 5’5″ someday as long as I keep going to get adjustments/treatments from him.

Usual Blood Pressure Reading: As if I’m gonna tell you if it’s high. Uh huh. But you’ll take it here in the midst of White Coat Land and freak me out EVERY TIME and take that as a regular reading. Oh you want me to check it at home to get a more accurate reading? How will that be accurate again? I’ll know when I’m gonna be doing it and it will go up.

Usual Body Temperature: 97.5 but you won’t believe me so when you check my temperature and see that it’s 98.6 you’ll say that’s normal and I’ll say it’s high for me and you’ll pass it off.

Hair Color: Well now that’s a good question. Some kind of purple since March 2012.

Hair Type: Pretty dang curly. It’s really short right now.

Eye Color: Blue and to me my eyes are tiny. I also wear glasses so it’s hard to tell they’re as blue as they are.

Birthplace: Homestead, FL (Does that really matter?)

Where I’m From: Kingston, NH

Where I Live Now: Los Angeles, CA

Grow Up With Both Parents?: Yes. I’m blessed to have done so. However, growing up with Single Parents wouldn’t make me less than.

How Old Are They?: None of your business.

Siblings?: Yes. An older sister.

How Old is Your Sibling?: Isn’t that Private? I already said she was older.

Employed?: No. What’s your point? Thanks for reminding me.

Insurance?: Yes. What if I said no?

Are you the Insured? The Primary Card Holder?: HUH?

Primary Insurance?: Ummm…

Secondary Insurance?: WHAT THE?! Leave me alone!

Insurance Information (and everything you didn’t even know you needed to know…): OK. Let me just dig through my purse and wallet and FIND that all for you. Didn’t I just give you my Insurance card? Isn’t it all on there?

Driver License Number: Geez. Nosy! And didn’t I just give you my ID? Isn’t that what this is?

Social Security Number: None of your business. Stop snooping around. I think I need to report you.

Disability?: Meaning what? Yes I have Disability Coverage but don’t get me started about all of that. Am I Disabled? YES! OK?! I think that’s in the mind of the beholder.

Married? Single? Divorced? Domestic Partner?: What does that matter?

If Yes to Married, what’s your Spouse’s Name?: What if I’m not married? I feel like crap now.

If Yes to Married, Spouse’s Social Security Number: Well now that everyone else has been left out…now why on EARTH would you EVER need their Social Security Number?

Allergic to Anything?: What exactly do you mean by allergic? I hope not! Great now you have me paranoid.

Eyesight: Yes I have it but I’m pretty blind. Do you mean do I wear glasses? Yes.

Illnesses?: Must you remind me? (Sigh.)–Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, High Blood Pressure, Asthmatic Tendencies, Hay Fever, IBS, Prone to Infection, Probably Depression–and now I’ve crawled under the chair in the corner…

Is This a Work Related Accident?: I knew it was an accident I had all these illnesses! Yes! I’ve wanted to blame my work for something! Perfect!

When Did It Happen?: Ummmm…which dates are you looking for? What are we talking about now?

Medications: Hmmmmm. Do you have a whole book I can fill out? This little box here ain’t gonna cut it. And do I include vitamins in this or not? None of you ever know if you care about these or not.

Other Doctors?: Too many to count. Again, looking for a book to fill out. I might have room to write down one doctor.

Can We Contact Your Doctors?: Meaning what? Yes aaannndddd No. How’s that? And will you really contact them?

Any New Doctors?: Chiropractor (not that you pay attention to that because they are NOT in Western Medicine…OH but he’s a doctor too? OK…). Psychologist/Psychiatrist: Yes she’s both.

Symptoms?: Ok great. Thanks for reminding me. Yep. (Tense up).–Fatigue, pain, stiffness, weakness, tingling, heat fatigue, eye light/dark sensitivity (new–and I’m annoyed), dry eyes, dry mouth, cognitive symptoms, emotional symptoms, overall malaise, hair loss, nausea, bloating (hmmm there’s not enough room on here. In fact, there’s not enough room in any of these boxes on here. What the heck? Do you really have any patients who can fit their life/health histories in such a small space?)

WHAT KIND OF A FORM IS THIS?

*THESE ARE JUST EXAMPLES OF WHAT I’VE BEEN ASKED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!*

Seriously, doctors, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, medical assistants, nurses, office staff, lab technicians, etc.: How often do you really look at these? Are you even looking at these? And do I even want ALL OF YOU to see EVERYTHING I just answered? That is a flat out NO! And why isn’t there an overall database that all medical professionals have access to? Why do I have to KEEP filling out all the same questions? Why is each form different? Why can’t they be uniform? I’m tired. I’m tired of writing all of this down. I’m soooooo over rehashing all of this.

I AM NAHLEEN.

What does that mean? That means I’m a Person. I mean something. I’m not my penmanship (which used to be really good btw until I kept having to write these answers over and over again). I’m not just my name. I am 3D. I have Depth. I giggle a lot. I’m struggling all the time with my diseases. I’m not working and that was one of the hardest decisions to make. I’m afraid to say I’m feeling better because I don’t want you to think that I’m all better and shut off when I tell you that. And who knows who will be looking at these files/records and will assume I’m magically all better and then what? I don’t fit in a box. I don’t come in black and white. I come in many colors. Perhaps that’s why I express the purple that’s within me. Yes, my hair is purple. That doesn’t mean I’m happy. That also doesn’t mean I’m crying out for attention. Purple is a part of who I am. Purple has been a part of my soul since I was at least 10. That’s a long time. Can we get passed my purple hair? Thanks. Yes, I have a husband. We’ve been together 15 years. Married 6. Why does the part where I’m married mean more than the commitment of the relationship of 15 years? Yes, I have a weight problem. I’d think I myself would be the most aware of this at all times since I have to live with me. I have ALL MY LIFE. Sure I don’t get to exercise as much but how much do I need to do necessarily? I’ve been walking every day now for 401 days! I know it’s cool. You better think it’s cool! I stretch every day too. Cardio? I try. Coming here to all of my doctor appointment should count as cardio. I’m serious. Oh and did you ever ask me how I am? How I’m feeling? How I’m really doing with all these illnesses? You want me to come in next week too? Did you ask if I’d feel up to it? Did you take into account my life? You are not the only doctor in my life. You are not the only part of my life. You want me to try a new medication? Oh it only has THAT many side effects? Will you be able to pay for it? I’m currently low on funds. Did I mention to you that I’m going on a trip soon? That I want to do more than go to doctors? That I want to have a fulfilling life not focused constantly on medical crap? That I want to try to live my life not ALWAYS talking about my illnesses? Not being defined by these life disrupters? Did you know I have a Cleo Kitty? That I love to write. That I have a Honda Fit that I love? That I miss my family and loved ones back east like crazy? That I’d love to be a Producer of TV, feature films, short films, videos of any sort and to be that creative and not worry about how much time that would entail and how much that would wear me out? That because I’m always seeing you I get really tired and don’t have a lot of time to be social? That I love to be social? I almost forget this myself because I’m so caught up in stuff with you. Don’t get me wrong. Thank you for helping me or trying to. Thank you for helping me feel better (well at least a lot of you–I won’t talk about the others). Thank you for being proactive and part of my time.

BUT PLEASE TAKE ME INTO CONSIDERATION.

I am a person. I have a life. You take up a lot of me. I don’t see you for fun. I see you to get healthy. Perhaps we need to take a look at the best way to keep me healthy. Is it by seeing you all the time? Filling out these forms? Getting my arm constantly squeezed by the blood pressure cuff only for it to spike when I’m there? Is it by constantly talking about my weight? Is it by constantly stabbing my arm to check my blood work levels over and over again because you haven’t been in communication with my other doctors about my blood count levels that were taken just last week? OR is it by spacing out these appointments a bit more? By letting me expand and grow my life to see what I can do and not do? By taking the time to see that I am a human being who needs to breathe and to LIVE and experience the world as this newer more enhanced version of Nahleen???

I’m not the same Nahleen who was working 3 years ago and pushing to do my best no matter what cost it put on my body and my life because I didn’t know or understand anything different. I am a Nahleen who is feeling out my boundaries. Who is not willing to be horribly sick again if I can help it. Sure my body might have its own plans but I will not push it too far. But see I don’t have much chance to see how far I can push. If am pushing, it’s to see my therapist and chiropractor while I’m seeing my other doctors. And these 2 new medical professionals in my life are helping me to figure out how to be a Nahleen with purple hair who still has a chance to smell the roses and look up at the sky (3 of her favorite things were just mentioned here), wants to figure out where her place now is in the world, wants to be social and not live within a medical professional tunnel of health, wants to try new things, wants to do more than rehash her health stuff over and over and who needs to BREATHE!

So if I tell you I can’t see you next week and there is room to BREATHE without putting my entire health at stake (I understand sometimes there are exceptions), please give me that room. You have your life schedule. I have mine. Please respect that. And if I don’t have time to see you, please COMPROMISE. With all due respect, it’s not all about you. You are not my only doctor. You are not the only thing going on in my life. Let’s talk about this. And PLEASE, don’t give me less care because I didn’t put my life aside to come in and see you and pay you more money. There is a phone. There is email. There is always another way.

THANK YOU.

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The Crud of Healing

I’ve been sort of MIA lately because I’ve been doing a lot of healing. And man is it hard.

It always seems to me like healing should be something soothing and soft and gentle. Sure that happens sometimes in the process of healing. Then again, there are those skinned knees that scab over again and again and no, that’s not comfy at all is it? Lately it’s been some of the hardest crud I’ve gone through. And I mean crud. Yet deep down I feel like it’s time. This is it.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m now seeing a Chiropractor at least once a week. He wants to see me twice a week but so much crud (he uses that word and I’m starting to use it again) has been coming up that it takes me a week to heal from it. Yet, it’s all a good healing. I’m beginning to feel like I can become a whole person. I feel better even though my body gets twisted and contorted in weird ways. And/or he has me working on some emotional healing within the therapy.

Right now his new technique for me is something called NET or Neuro-Emotional Technique and it is fascinating. I can’t really explain it except that he was able to tell just by pushing down on my uplifted arm and putting his finger in the middle of my forehead that I had emotional blockage somewhere in my body and that that was playing a huge part in my physical symptoms and my messed up mind these days. It was crazy. When he didn’t put his finger in the middle of my forehead and pushed down on my arm I was able to push back up. When his finger was on my forehead and he pushed on my arm it went straight down and I had no strength to push back. He had basically disabled my arm. CRAZY AND FREAKY. Apparently it’s sooooo many emotions that are just flying all over the place and I’m not sure what to do with all of them so my body stores them for me and well, let’s think, that’s probably not good huh? So not only am I dragging up feelings and emotions but now they’re all just apparently free to come on up even when I didn’t invite them.

CRUD CRUD CRUD.

I’m also going to a Therapist now who I believe was sent to work directly with me. She loves the color purple, she’s bright and peppy, her office is close to where I live, and she’s also very compassionate and knows how to reach me in ways no one else seems to be able to–even ME! She’s revealing a part of me I didn’t know existed or just wasn’t ready to know or something. Talk about uncomfortable YET it really is helping. I feel like I’m getting detoxed of yucky poisonous feelings. She’s cracking my shell and the feelings are just flooding out.

Apparently it was time for all of this to come up. Wish I had gotten the memo from me that it was time to really work on all this stuff.

It’s kinda crazy how it happened that I found these 2 very important Specialists on my path right around the same time.

Next thing I know I’m in the Chiropractor’s office at the first appointment and I’m wondering how I got there and how is it that it all happened so fast. I mean my friend had just been raving about him and there I was. Then I end up having 2 doctors arguing (and not even knowing it) over a medication I’m on and telling me I should see a Psychiatrist to see what the actual Specialist says about it all and the next thing I know I’m in a Psychologist/Psychiatrist’s office and again, kinda wondering how I got there.

I’ll repeat, it would’ve been nice had someone informed me this was all gonna happen. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t black out and become another person or my alter ego…at least I think I didn’t…no really. I remember asking about these 2 Specialists but I don’t remember deciding to take the action. Hmmm, could it be that I’m not taking FOREVER to think it all out as much as I used to and perhaps I’m going more with my gut? That I’m following the Path I’m supposed to be on and just doing it?

Still…WOULD’VE BEEN NICE TO GET THE MEMO.

Just sayin’.

So for now I’m going to try to take the advice of these 2 incredibly valuable Specialists who have already changed my life in less than 6 weeks and try to be patient. They both tell me that crud is going to come up, that things are going to be messy and that it’s okay that things are messy. Really. It’s okay if things aren’t all done my way.

Weird. I mean it’s all supposed to be done and planned in an orderly fashion or at least “Nahleen’s orderly fashion”. Well that’s not happening.

I’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable, exposed, vulnerable and raw and yet I’m feeling the safest I’ve ever felt…whatever that means.

Guess there’s more to find out. I get to find out about who this shiny new Nahleen is I’m becoming. My Therapist encourages the purple hair. She says it’s only the beginning. Now it’s time for more piercings and tattoos according to her…She’s convinced there’s a much more wild and open Spirit in me just desperate to come out and she’s trying to gently tell all of me that it’s okay to come out.

So for now I just keep on trudging through the crud. I feel like a clam who just lost its shell and now waits to be eaten by the predator who broke that shell. Poor clam. I feel so bad for it. Must be awful. I’m such a softie. Hey that can be my new Activist project. SAVE THE CLAMS!

Perhaps another time…Continuing on this side note, I’m so relieved I don’t like to eat clams or I may have just ruined any chance of ever eating them again.

What’s cool is I’m pretty sure I won’t be eaten and that I’m going to be OK. Crud and all.

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How do you Loosen Up and Lighten Up?–It’s Your Turn!

Looking for suggestions!

How do you loosen up and lighten up?  My visits to the Chiropractor have really shown that I need some major help when it comes to mentally loosening up and lightening up!  Enough already.  I’ve really worked so hard on myself lately and over the past years to help loosen and lighten up more but I still have a long way to go!

So please!  Have at it!  Would love to see your comments below about how you loosen up and lighten up!  I am still so tightly wound it’s going to take more than purple hair, a Spiritual Path, physical recovery, nature, white puffy clouds, my Cleo Kitty, laughter and quality time with my husband, all the awesome people in my life, all the wonderful support in my life, dancing, walking, stretching, reading positive things, listening to positive music and speeches, affirmations, watching positive shows (what are those?), etc.?

ANY AND ALL IDEAS ARE WELCOME!  COME ON.  DON’T BE SHY!

Thank you all.  Hope you have a great week.  I’m acting as if it’s going to be a great week and you know, it helped A LOT and today (Monday) was actually a lot better and much more positive and even NICE at times compared to ANY DAY last week.

 

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Heel 2nd Toe

Heel 2nd Toe.  Heel 2nd Toe.  Heel 2nd Toe.

That’s what I had to chant to myself (and will need to TRY to do and REMEMBER to do from now on) and guide myself to do as I did what my Chiropractor called, “drunk walking” (because it’s easy to lose my balance when it’s so new) down the street to train my body how to walk correctly and in the right alignment.  Apparently my walking alignment is way off so I get to do what feels really hard to do.  And so AWKWARD.  A friend of mine loves using the word “Awkward” so I hope she appreciated me using it here in this post.  ANYWAY–When I’m walking I’m not supposed to be using my Big Toe to guide my walking.  I’m supposed to use my 2nd Toe next to the Big Toe and also focus on my hips to guide my leg out in front of me to land on my Heel and with the foot turned in (only what it seems like to me–it’s actually not in…it’s just not too far out and walking like a duck anymore…) and that’s my newest exercise.  Weirdest part is that when I stand “right” and look in the mirror what FEELS so wrong actually does look RIGHT.

I’M RE-LEARNING HOW TO WALK AGAIN.

WEIRD.

It’s hard to train a body to move differently after it has been doing probably the same movement for almost 36 years….

So I’m trying to be patient. He had me take a walk up and down the block doing that.  I asked him if the residents on the street where his office is ever stop in and ask him what is going on in here and why are there people doing all kinds of strange movements walking down the street.  He said NO but he’s sure they talk about it amongst themselves and try to figure it out.  “Keeps their minds going…”, he chuckles.

I bet.  So I did just what he asked me to do.  Of course there were people out and about.  Don’t mind me.  Just walking totally off balance…  It was a beautiful sunny California spring day.  The birds were chirping.  There was a lovely breeze blowing through the leaves.  Flowers have been in full bloom.  I was sure EVERYONE ever was staring at me but I’m guessing they weren’t.  And if they were, I hope they had fun watching me.  I didn’t look as wobbly after awhile but I was walking really slowly almost in a walking meditation and really focusing on what I was doing.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

My overall body felt much better walking the “correct” way.  I was surprised.  As much as my hips started aching (who knew hips were used so much with walking?), certain muscles in my legs that I didn’t know existed started yelling at me, I kept going.  I’d let myself stop, take a break and shake it all out but I’d start up again.  It really did slow me down and it was quite relaxing at times…Definitely could be a meditation if it wasn’t so distracting at too.  Sometimes I’d be distracted too and find that I was back to my old walking so I’d start up again.  Going that slow I was able to see the colorful vibrant flowers I walked by, to see more birds flying around me because I wasn’t moving so fast, a butterfly and to REALLY HEAR the breeze. That was a gift.  I’ll take it.

I’m trying to remember this so that when I wake up tomorrow morning and wonder why on earth my legs and hips are aching so badly I’ll be reminded of the “new” walking I had been doing and will have to try to do from now on and then hopefully I’ll be reminded of how peaceful it was at times.  There were some truly quiet moments…

PRECIOUS ACTUALLY…

Otherwise, he stretched my body in ways I didn’t know it could stretch today and he also gave me even more homework to FIGURE OUT what the MAGIC word was to get my hips to RELEASE and LET GO.  He said the word RELEASE doesn’t work for my hips.  He’s even tried others (I had no idea he was doing this I was so focused on what was going on) and they didn’t work either.  Soooo, he’s asked for help in figuring out what the MAGIC WORD is for helping my hips and torso to RELEASE.

MAGIC WORD.

Silly guy.  Felt like I was back to being 6 and an adult asking me, “What’s the Magic Word?”.  The thought crossed my mind that perhaps he should say, “Pretty Please?” and then maybe my mind and my body would finally RELEASE and LET GO…

So yeah.  Good appointment.  Doing OK so far.  Feeling a bit of the walk and a bit more lightheaded as the day goes on.  So I should probably stop writing, finish up my day and get to resting.  Never know what mental and physical symptoms are going to show themselves with these treatments…

Oh and by the way, I get to stay up as long as I want if I keep getting the late night energy that tells me I don’t need to sleep.

SLEEP?  WHO CARES ABOUT SLEEP?

Me in the mornings…

BUT–That’s what my body keeps asking me late at night.  I’m becoming quite the night owl.  I’ve been concerned about this because I need my sleep but when I told him today he was excited that I was starting to get ENERGY BACK.

“Yay!”, he exclaimed as I told him.  “Take advantage of it.  Don’t suppress it.  This is actual ENERGY.  Take the time to do some sit-ups (Ha!), some push-ups (Ha!), some walking around your apartment, some dancing…something.  Find an outlet and some activities to do when this happens.  Your body is resetting it’s cycles and rhythms.  I know you need sleep.  I’m sleep’s biggest advocate.  BUT your body isn’t ready for sleep like that just yet.  At least not at night.  It’s just learning how to be again.  LET IT!  DON’T WORRY.  DON’T PUNISH YOURSELF FOR NOT SLEEPING.  USE IT!  I bet you’re not sleeping well when you have this energy right?”

I told him no.  Definitely not sleeping well.

He responded with an encouragement to use the energy so that I could sleep better and it would be able to even out eventually.

His whole point was that this is like a “RE-START BUTTON”.

My body is RE-STARTING…

RE-STARTING…

Hmm.  Cool.

I’ve been saying off and on over the years that I needed a Jump Start at times.  I guess this is my chance.

And now back to the chanting…

HEEL 2ND TOE.  HEEL 2ND TOE.  HEEL 2ND TOE.

 

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175th Blog Post!: Doing My Best to Focus On the Positive

175 Blog posts I’ve written!!!!!

WOW!

I am blown away that I keep on writing.  It’s been helping me so much.  You’ve been helping me so much.  All of you who Follow me, stop on by to read a few posts, comment on my Blog, email me personally (I know I still owe some of you responses) and who support me help me stay positive.

I was told by my Chiropractor last week that I needed to start adding EVEN MORE positive thoughts, elements, stuff, things–whatever it is for me to be positive–at least twice more a week.  He told me how some of his patients have done that.  As he’s been treating me, some emotions have been coming up like FEAR, anger and just being really frustrated.  Some of the emotions have been good too.  But in order to cushion the impact of the hard emotions (trying not to say negative because perhaps IT REALLY ISN’T NEGATIVE TO HAVE THESE HARD EMOTIONS), he’s highly suggested I add more “up” things to my life.

So yesterday while I was getting my apartment cleaned (one of the best things I have ever decided to let SOMEONE ELSE DO because there’s no way it would get done any other way), I found myself wandering a mall for awhile before sitting down, eating lunch and hanging out.

Here’s what I found in a store:

I LOVE THESE “KEEP CALM” SAYINGS…and this one FITS ME PERFECTLY!

HOW AWESOME IS THIS?!  I mean it is SOOOOO ME!  It’s a hue of purple, it’s a “Keep Calm” saying, it says “Sparkle” and I love sparkly things, and it’s on a plaque thingie that I can put up on my wall to remind me to keep calm and sparkle.  It really helps me to remember that it’s all gonna be OK and I can get through anything because if I can deal with having MS and lupus I can deal with a lot of other crap…EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE I JUST CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE…and believe me it feels like that often.

So this was one of my first attempts at finding more positive things to focus on.  Today I had PLENTY to get my nerves all in an uproar and then I saw that in my bedroom sitting on my bookshelf at eye level and it reminded me to BREATHE and remember what’s more important.

MY LIGHT FROM WITHIN IS MORE IMPORTANT.

It’s not this other crapola that keeps getting in my way.

I’M WHAT MATTERS…

So after dealing with some tough stuff, I made sure to go walk on the treadmill in the “new” (I say it in quotes because it’s been in the apartment building now for probably a year but it’s “new” to me) for a bit and then head up to the sun deck, look at the sky and the world around me and remember what really matters.  It’s also incredibly humbling to see that I am a little thing compared to the rest of the world.  My problems aren’t AS BIG as the world so it helps to put them in perspective.

And then to think I’m well on my way to 200 BLOG POSTS!

SO COOL!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for being a part of my life.

I can’t wait to see what else is in store…well maybe I can…but to know I’m not alone helps a lot!

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Telling the Truth is Really Hard

TRUTH: The past 24 hours have SUCKED mostly physically but mentally too!  There I said it!

I TOLD THE TRUTH!

DETOX IS HARD!

ANOTHER TRUTH!

Being on an emotional roller coaster yesterday for HOURS was REALLY HARD!

MORE TRUTH!

Feeling A LOT OF PAIN, FATIGUE WITH HEAVY LIMBS, SHAKINESS, LIGHT-HEADEDNESS, WEAKNESS, TINGLING, WAKING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A HORRIBLE KNIFING PAIN ON MY RIGHT SIDE (making me freak out it’s my appendix or something crazy) AND HAVING TO RUSH TO THE BATHROOM (TMI–just getting you ready) ONLY TO HAVE MY BELLY MAKE THE LOUDEST RUMBLING NOISES AND THEN ACTUALLY HAVING THAT TRIP TO THE BATHROOM BE PRODUCTIVE (used to not be in the middle of the night and I would suffer for hours so that’s something) AND THEN HAVE THAT PAIN GO AWAY BUT FEEL THE DIGESTIVE AFTERMATH IS REALLY HARD!  BUT–THANK GOODNESS THAT KNIFING PAIN WENT AWAY AND HAS NOT COME BACK.

YES I’M YELLING!

PHEW!

It feels so good to get it out.

I have only had 2 Chiropractic treatments in the past week, BUT I have also added an Alkaline Water Detox prescribed by this Chriropractic Doctor added to my treatment so it has been extra potent.  I CLEARLY have a ton of acid in my body.

IT HAS BEEN 1 WEEK AND MY BUTT FEELS KICKED FROM 2 CHIROPRACTIC TREATMENTS?!

OY!

You know, I have heard over the years from all kinds of people on social media and elsewhere talk about all the “GOOD” effects of Detox of the body.  NOT ONE OF THEM THAT I’VE NOTICED HAS EVER TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING NEGATIVE.  Did they ever feel anything crappy going on in their bodies or was it just absolutely divine and magical with birds chirping with light breezes as they frolicked over the rolling green hills singing songs from the “Sound of Music”?  That’s what it’s always felt like to me.  So I have no idea if these people have EVER felt crappy.

Is it because they don’t want to tell the truth because Gawd forbid they look weak?  Is it because they really are feeling JUST PEACHY (although if you ask me I’d never say I was Peachy because I CAN’T STAND PEACHES so it would be the opposite for me if I said I was PEACHY.  In fact let’s all make that note now.  PEACHY for me is CRAPPY.  OK then.  Now that we’re all clear.  Back to my ranting…) KEEN?  Did I even spell that word right?  The point is, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS FELT CRAPPY FROM DETOX?  AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO IS NOW TELLING THE TRUTH?

MORE ON MY TRUTH:  Okay.  So for the past 24 hours I have wondered what wall I hit this time.  In some ways I haven’t felt like this in a long time.  Felt like someone kicked my butt and the rest of my body really hard.  What’s interesting is that the first 24 hours after treatment were actually QUITE GOOD.  I think I was on a mental high and my body was TRYING to follow along.  I felt so much mental clarity and relief and life almost felt like it was ALL good no matter what.  I almost wanted to skip down the street singing “La la la” but my legs weren’t QUITE up to it.  Oh and just to be clear, I didn’t feel up to frolicking through the rolling green hills singing songs from the Sound of Music.  I wasn’t THAT good.  That’s good right?

Anyway, I did so much in that 24 hours because I thought, WOW, I can do this.  This Chiropractic treatment stuff rocks.  It was ONLY the 1st Treatment that would be really hard at first.  Perhaps I’ll be feeling this later but not now.  LIFE IS GOOD.  I got home, made some medical business calls, wrote a Blog post, did stuff and things and I DID let myself REST a bit BUT THEN off I was running out to get groceries that evening while my mental hyperactivity was still on overload (I think now that I look back).  I mean, we NEEDED groceries and my head told me it was RIGHT then no matter what.  So I left at 6:30pm and by 7:30pm as I was almost done my ARMS started telling me they were really tired and didn’t want to work much more and then they were in pain.  Then by 8pm my BODY was done.  By 9pm my MIND was done.  And yet there was still some clarity so I stayed up way too late.  I CONFESS.  I didn’t LISTEN enough to my body at that point.

Got up for a dang Fasting Appointment the next morning to have blood work done with a doctor I have VERY mixed feelings about and thought all was going to be OK.  I was still OK.  Sure I was tired but Fasting Appointments are really hard for me.  My body with its MS, lupus, IBS and you NAME IT needs its routine.  No food means no medications.  No medications means my body is already unhappy.  No food yet already being active when on a normal day it usually takes me over 4 hours to really feel like I can go on with my day as a human being is not a good thing for me.  At least let me have some food.  PLEASE.  If my body lets me that is…

ANYWAY, after the appointment, I ate and I felt a bit more invigorated YET to be honest my body was starting to protest more.  And then I ran around doing too many errands at once when I should’ve just gone back home to at least get some more rest before doing them made my body VERY UNHAPPY before 12pm.  The appointment had been at 8:30am.

BY 12PM I had HIT A WALL.

ALL DONE.  Had to push to do the basics.  The emotional roller coaster (was told this would happen even more and be magnified according to my Chiropractor as the emotions are cleared out and released from my body and it was ALL part of the healing process) started for the next 5 hours at least, my body had a hard time letting me do the basics like get up and move around.  It was shaky and weak and in pain.  SOOOO DONE WITH ME.

So I rested.  AND RESTED SOME MORE.  Resting helps.

RESTING HELPS.

Phew.  Sometimes resting doesn’t ALWAYS help the way I want it to.  My body has been recovering ever since.  I’d get waves of physical symptoms into the night last night and then there was that time in the middle of the night of complete and utter pain and discomfort and I’ve been working through that ever since.

SO GLAD I CAN WRITE THIS.

Yesterday I wouldn’t have been able to write this in any way.  ALL OF ME WAS DONE.

DONE.

But this Blog post has been bubbling up to the surface ever since I FINALLY was able to really get up out of bed today.  EXTRA SLEEP HELPED TOO.  I HAD TO WRITE THIS TODAY.  I HAD TO EXPRESS MYSELF.  I know it is all part of the healing.  I call it EMOTIONAL HAIRBALLS.

Meanwhile at the same time, as I think about how my body is overall, I know it’s not a regular lupus/multiple sclerosis flare.  I know my body is flaring up because all kinds of healing trauma (WHAT?  HEALING TRAUMA?  Parts of me want to object to what I just wrote and argue with me.) because it feels cleansing.  It feels like all kinds of toxin crapola is being FORCED out.  My mind is clearer.  My body is clearer.  So strange to say that and feel it and NOT REALLY BE ABLE TO DESCRIBE IT.

So the FEAR comes up.  Is this Treatment too much for me?  How will I do this?  I DON’T WANT TO MAKE MY BODY WORSE.  I CAN’T MAKE MY BODY WORSE.  I DEAL WITH ENOUGH.  IT’S HARD ENOUGH.  But then the nurturing side of me comes in and gently reminds me that I am feeling better at the same time.  I’m going to NEED TO BE VERY UPFRONT with the Chiropractor tomorrow at my next treatment and tell him EVERYTHING that has gone on in the past 24 hours BEFORE he jumps right in and manipulates my body into its relieving craziness of the next treatment.  He had told me it would be hard especially at first and to try to trust and be honest with him and myself in all ways at all times about how I’m doing.  That we would adjust treatments accordingly.  He also told me I’d have to rest more.

That’s hard to do.  I’m TRYING to have a life and I have SO MUCH going on right now.  FINDING BALANCE is a whole other issue I’m dealing with.

WHERE DOES IT ALL FIT IN?

Well what I have to remind myself is that it all fits in the way it is supposed to fit in.  It will all work out and it will happen or not happen BUT the world still turns.  It doesn’t explode because “MY PLANS” didn’t work out the way I liked.

DO THEY EVER?

SO WHY DO I KEEP TRYING TO FORCE MY PLANS OVER MY LIFE?  It doesn’t work that way.

So for now I’ll go back to resting and doing THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I HAVE.  It feels really good to have communicated this today.  Thank you ALL for reading.  It means so much to be able to get it out and STOP HOLDING ONTO IT.  Something tells me this may not have come out if it wasn’t for this detox and new treatment journey I’m starting.

I feel much better and calmer right now and I will enjoy it while I can.

Take care all and please if you can, be gentle with yourself and your body.  Healing can be really hard but what I’m discovering is that I’m worth it and so are you.

 

 

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“And…I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR PURPLE HAIR!”

That’s what the really nice lady said at my Chiropractor’s office today as she pulled me into one of the  Treatment rooms.

It had been a really long wait at his office today because he celebrates Passover and had squished in a bunch of appointments earlier in the day so he could leave in the afternoon, so I had waited over an hour.  And what surprised me was that I didn’t get too stressed out about it.  I gotta bring my book more often because I bet this happens every once in awhile.  That’s all.  Otherwise, I tried to use it as chill out time.

Anyway, the incredibly spunky lady who works the front desk (I haven’t met her yet till now since this is only my 2nd treatment and I think this doctor has 2 women working for him and I’ve met the other one only) pulled me in the room and quietly said but with exclamation, “OK.  2 things…” and she gestured her 2 fingers up in the air to stress her point.  “The first thing before we get started…I’m so so so sorry for the wait today.  Our office is closing early because we are celebrating Passover so we are distracted (but don’t worry he won’t be distracted when he’s with you).” she said in a hushed voice.  And then she still so discreetly continued, “Plus as you know the traffic was awful due to all this stupid construction out there and it was hard to find a parking spot so all of our patients have been later today.” And she had a brief pause and said, “AND…” and I’m not kidding you, she starts almost flailing her arms up and down and hopping a little bit, “I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR PURPLE HAIR!  I LOVE IT!  I LOVE IT!  I LOVE IT!”.  So I’m starting to laugh out loud about her reaction to my hair because she caught me so off guard because she was so careful at first with what she was telling me and then she says, “I’m sorry.  I would’ve said it earlier and I’ve been DYING to tell you for over an hour but I didn’t want to single you out in front of the other patients and I wanted to stay quiet but since you’re in here now I can tell you.  I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MYSELF!  YOUR HAIR IS SO AWESOME!”.

(Well OK then…)

There I am and I’m supposed to be having worked on relaxing (already know this after my first treatment) so that the doctor can work on looser muscles and joints if possible and she’s getting me all excited about my hair.  And so we had this lovely giggly conversation about how much she loved it and loved that I had the guts to have purple hair and how she could NEVER have purple hair in her world so she just applauds women all the time who just express themselves and let themselves be “WILD” as she almost yelled again…

“OK.  OK.  I have to calm down now so you can calm down or the doctor will be mad at me for getting you excited but then again he wants us to be warm and friendly to you and loving so this is what he gets.  Anyway, I love it.”

I thanked her a bunch and even after the treatment and she still pointed it out as I left.

What a hot ticket that lady is!  Can’t wait to see her again and more.  She seems like someone I need more of in my life.  I want her energy.

As for my 2nd Chiropractic Treatment, it was really great.  The doctor came in and said, “Hey Superstar!” and I said “Is that because I made it to my 2nd appointment?” (by the way, it’s hard to talk with your face down in those things on the table but anyway…) and he said, “Absolutely!” And we talked about how I was doing.  I told him all the improvements I had been feeling since just the first appointment and some of the symptoms I was having and we got started.  Wow.  He really does so much work on the body AND he makes me work too.  LOTS OF BREATHING.

LOTS OF BREATHING.

Apparently oxygen is GOOD FOR YOU.

And I nearly jumped off the table (not sure how since I was face down…) as he ground his hand into my foot because it was “Ow-ie” and yet it was a relief or I would’ve stopped him.  At one point I had this crazy fit of giggles, more like a BURST of giggles (my usual giggles times 10 at least) as he released something in my neck (one of the biggest issues right now in my body) and I told him I just had to laugh and he said, “DO IT!  LET IT OUT!  WHOOO!  YOU LET THAT OUT!  You deserve it.  You just undid a HUGE knot!  WE DID!  I feel it too.  I wanna laugh too!  THAT WAS AWESOME!” and so I did a burst of giggling (I have already heard some of the craziness that is coming out of these rooms with other patients while he’s treating them and it’s only been 2 times there so I must’ve also sounded pretty funny with my huge BURST and he was cracking up too).  It felt good to get it out and then just as fast as it came on, it left.  He said that would happen but with different emotions and to keep letting it out.

We did a bit more treatment, he had me drink some water to rest and regain my equilibrium and I was on my way.  I can tell this whole Chiropractic experience is gonna be quite a trip!  So much personality in that office.  Other doctors and their personnel could learn A LOT from these cool people.  WOW!

As for how I’m feeling a few hours afterwards, I’m definitely doing better than the first treatment.  My body isn’t in as much “SHOCK” as it was the first time.  It kinda gets it now.  Who knows what’s next.  For right now I’ll take whatever I can get for relief.

RELIEF.

I like that word.

Definitely feeling pretty even with my emotions and my body right now too.  I’ll take it as long as I can.

I have my next chiropractic treatment Thursday.  Can’t even imagine what’s in store!

 

 

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