Full Name: Nahleen Virginia (Knight) Blake. Knight is my Maiden Name. Where did Nahleen come from? Well funny you should ask. I’m sure I’ll have to repeat to you over and over how to say it and how to spell it but let’s get it right the first time. What’s the significance of Virginia? It’s my Grandmother’s Name.
Birth Date: 5/28/77. Thanks! Yes I just turned 36. Uh huh. I’m aware of what 36 means. Wait, what does it mean? Do I dare ask?
Male/Female: I’ll let you guess.
Phone Number: Oh great now you’re gonna bug me all the time.
Any Other Good Numbers to Call?: Nope. And even if there were some I wouldn’t give them to you because you’d chase after me and I’d get no peace. And no you are NOT getting my work number. I made the mistake of telling you that number before and you kept calling me there. Um hi. I’m busy there.
Address: Great. You might stalk me. You’ll at least be sending me bills here. Why else would you want it? Why do I want to give this to you?
Is This a Good Billing Address?: Knew it. It’s all about the $.
Emergency Contact Phone Number: ACK! What’s gonna happen here? There’s gonna be an Emergency here? What if I have no one? And if I give you someone, will you call them every time you can’t reach me? What if that person is across the country? How will they know where I am? Great, now they’ll be worried.
Weight: Does that really matter? Is this any indication of anything? There is no black and white here.
Height: 5’Short–according to my Chiropractor I should be 5’5″ someday as long as I keep going to get adjustments/treatments from him.
Usual Blood Pressure Reading: As if I’m gonna tell you if it’s high. Uh huh. But you’ll take it here in the midst of White Coat Land and freak me out EVERY TIME and take that as a regular reading. Oh you want me to check it at home to get a more accurate reading? How will that be accurate again? I’ll know when I’m gonna be doing it and it will go up.
Usual Body Temperature: 97.5 but you won’t believe me so when you check my temperature and see that it’s 98.6 you’ll say that’s normal and I’ll say it’s high for me and you’ll pass it off.
Hair Color: Well now that’s a good question. Some kind of purple since March 2012.
Hair Type: Pretty dang curly. It’s really short right now.
Eye Color: Blue and to me my eyes are tiny. I also wear glasses so it’s hard to tell they’re as blue as they are.
Birthplace: Homestead, FL (Does that really matter?)
Where I’m From: Kingston, NH
Where I Live Now: Los Angeles, CA
Grow Up With Both Parents?: Yes. I’m blessed to have done so. However, growing up with Single Parents wouldn’t make me less than.
How Old Are They?: None of your business.
Siblings?: Yes. An older sister.
How Old is Your Sibling?: Isn’t that Private? I already said she was older.
Employed?: No. What’s your point? Thanks for reminding me.
Insurance?: Yes. What if I said no?
Are you the Insured? The Primary Card Holder?: HUH?
Primary Insurance?: Ummm…
Secondary Insurance?: WHAT THE?! Leave me alone!
Insurance Information (and everything you didn’t even know you needed to know…): OK. Let me just dig through my purse and wallet and FIND that all for you. Didn’t I just give you my Insurance card? Isn’t it all on there?
Driver License Number: Geez. Nosy! And didn’t I just give you my ID? Isn’t that what this is?
Social Security Number: None of your business. Stop snooping around. I think I need to report you.
Disability?: Meaning what? Yes I have Disability Coverage but don’t get me started about all of that. Am I Disabled? YES! OK?! I think that’s in the mind of the beholder.
Married? Single? Divorced? Domestic Partner?: What does that matter?
If Yes to Married, what’s your Spouse’s Name?: What if I’m not married? I feel like crap now.
If Yes to Married, Spouse’s Social Security Number: Well now that everyone else has been left out…now why on EARTH would you EVER need their Social Security Number?
Allergic to Anything?: What exactly do you mean by allergic? I hope not! Great now you have me paranoid.
Eyesight: Yes I have it but I’m pretty blind. Do you mean do I wear glasses? Yes.
Illnesses?: Must you remind me? (Sigh.)–Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, High Blood Pressure, Asthmatic Tendencies, Hay Fever, IBS, Prone to Infection, Probably Depression–and now I’ve crawled under the chair in the corner…
Is This a Work Related Accident?: I knew it was an accident I had all these illnesses! Yes! I’ve wanted to blame my work for something! Perfect!
When Did It Happen?: Ummmm…which dates are you looking for? What are we talking about now?
Medications: Hmmmmm. Do you have a whole book I can fill out? This little box here ain’t gonna cut it. And do I include vitamins in this or not? None of you ever know if you care about these or not.
Other Doctors?: Too many to count. Again, looking for a book to fill out. I might have room to write down one doctor.
Can We Contact Your Doctors?: Meaning what? Yes aaannndddd No. How’s that? And will you really contact them?
Any New Doctors?: Chiropractor (not that you pay attention to that because they are NOT in Western Medicine…OH but he’s a doctor too? OK…). Psychologist/Psychiatrist: Yes she’s both.
Symptoms?: Ok great. Thanks for reminding me. Yep. (Tense up).–Fatigue, pain, stiffness, weakness, tingling, heat fatigue, eye light/dark sensitivity (new–and I’m annoyed), dry eyes, dry mouth, cognitive symptoms, emotional symptoms, overall malaise, hair loss, nausea, bloating (hmmm there’s not enough room on here. In fact, there’s not enough room in any of these boxes on here. What the heck? Do you really have any patients who can fit their life/health histories in such a small space?)
WHAT KIND OF A FORM IS THIS?
*THESE ARE JUST EXAMPLES OF WHAT I’VE BEEN ASKED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!*
Seriously, doctors, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, medical assistants, nurses, office staff, lab technicians, etc.: How often do you really look at these? Are you even looking at these? And do I even want ALL OF YOU to see EVERYTHING I just answered? That is a flat out NO! And why isn’t there an overall database that all medical professionals have access to? Why do I have to KEEP filling out all the same questions? Why is each form different? Why can’t they be uniform? I’m tired. I’m tired of writing all of this down. I’m soooooo over rehashing all of this.
I AM NAHLEEN.
What does that mean? That means I’m a Person. I mean something. I’m not my penmanship (which used to be really good btw until I kept having to write these answers over and over again). I’m not just my name. I am 3D. I have Depth. I giggle a lot. I’m struggling all the time with my diseases. I’m not working and that was one of the hardest decisions to make. I’m afraid to say I’m feeling better because I don’t want you to think that I’m all better and shut off when I tell you that. And who knows who will be looking at these files/records and will assume I’m magically all better and then what? I don’t fit in a box. I don’t come in black and white. I come in many colors. Perhaps that’s why I express the purple that’s within me. Yes, my hair is purple. That doesn’t mean I’m happy. That also doesn’t mean I’m crying out for attention. Purple is a part of who I am. Purple has been a part of my soul since I was at least 10. That’s a long time. Can we get passed my purple hair? Thanks. Yes, I have a husband. We’ve been together 15 years. Married 6. Why does the part where I’m married mean more than the commitment of the relationship of 15 years? Yes, I have a weight problem. I’d think I myself would be the most aware of this at all times since I have to live with me. I have ALL MY LIFE. Sure I don’t get to exercise as much but how much do I need to do necessarily? I’ve been walking every day now for 401 days! I know it’s cool. You better think it’s cool! I stretch every day too. Cardio? I try. Coming here to all of my doctor appointment should count as cardio. I’m serious. Oh and did you ever ask me how I am? How I’m feeling? How I’m really doing with all these illnesses? You want me to come in next week too? Did you ask if I’d feel up to it? Did you take into account my life? You are not the only doctor in my life. You are not the only part of my life. You want me to try a new medication? Oh it only has THAT many side effects? Will you be able to pay for it? I’m currently low on funds. Did I mention to you that I’m going on a trip soon? That I want to do more than go to doctors? That I want to have a fulfilling life not focused constantly on medical crap? That I want to try to live my life not ALWAYS talking about my illnesses? Not being defined by these life disrupters? Did you know I have a Cleo Kitty? That I love to write. That I have a Honda Fit that I love? That I miss my family and loved ones back east like crazy? That I’d love to be a Producer of TV, feature films, short films, videos of any sort and to be that creative and not worry about how much time that would entail and how much that would wear me out? That because I’m always seeing you I get really tired and don’t have a lot of time to be social? That I love to be social? I almost forget this myself because I’m so caught up in stuff with you. Don’t get me wrong. Thank you for helping me or trying to. Thank you for helping me feel better (well at least a lot of you–I won’t talk about the others). Thank you for being proactive and part of my time.
BUT PLEASE TAKE ME INTO CONSIDERATION.
I am a person. I have a life. You take up a lot of me. I don’t see you for fun. I see you to get healthy. Perhaps we need to take a look at the best way to keep me healthy. Is it by seeing you all the time? Filling out these forms? Getting my arm constantly squeezed by the blood pressure cuff only for it to spike when I’m there? Is it by constantly talking about my weight? Is it by constantly stabbing my arm to check my blood work levels over and over again because you haven’t been in communication with my other doctors about my blood count levels that were taken just last week? OR is it by spacing out these appointments a bit more? By letting me expand and grow my life to see what I can do and not do? By taking the time to see that I am a human being who needs to breathe and to LIVE and experience the world as this newer more enhanced version of Nahleen???
I’m not the same Nahleen who was working 3 years ago and pushing to do my best no matter what cost it put on my body and my life because I didn’t know or understand anything different. I am a Nahleen who is feeling out my boundaries. Who is not willing to be horribly sick again if I can help it. Sure my body might have its own plans but I will not push it too far. But see I don’t have much chance to see how far I can push. If am pushing, it’s to see my therapist and chiropractor while I’m seeing my other doctors. And these 2 new medical professionals in my life are helping me to figure out how to be a Nahleen with purple hair who still has a chance to smell the roses and look up at the sky (3 of her favorite things were just mentioned here), wants to figure out where her place now is in the world, wants to be social and not live within a medical professional tunnel of health, wants to try new things, wants to do more than rehash her health stuff over and over and who needs to BREATHE!
So if I tell you I can’t see you next week and there is room to BREATHE without putting my entire health at stake (I understand sometimes there are exceptions), please give me that room. You have your life schedule. I have mine. Please respect that. And if I don’t have time to see you, please COMPROMISE. With all due respect, it’s not all about you. You are not my only doctor. You are not the only thing going on in my life. Let’s talk about this. And PLEASE, don’t give me less care because I didn’t put my life aside to come in and see you and pay you more money. There is a phone. There is email. There is always another way.
175th Blog Post!: Doing My Best to Focus On the Positive
175 Blog posts I’ve written!!!!!
I am blown away that I keep on writing. It’s been helping me so much. You’ve been helping me so much. All of you who Follow me, stop on by to read a few posts, comment on my Blog, email me personally (I know I still owe some of you responses) and who support me help me stay positive.
I was told by my Chiropractor last week that I needed to start adding EVEN MORE positive thoughts, elements, stuff, things–whatever it is for me to be positive–at least twice more a week. He told me how some of his patients have done that. As he’s been treating me, some emotions have been coming up like FEAR, anger and just being really frustrated. Some of the emotions have been good too. But in order to cushion the impact of the hard emotions (trying not to say negative because perhaps IT REALLY ISN’T NEGATIVE TO HAVE THESE HARD EMOTIONS), he’s highly suggested I add more “up” things to my life.
So yesterday while I was getting my apartment cleaned (one of the best things I have ever decided to let SOMEONE ELSE DO because there’s no way it would get done any other way), I found myself wandering a mall for awhile before sitting down, eating lunch and hanging out.
Here’s what I found in a store:
I LOVE THESE “KEEP CALM” SAYINGS…and this one FITS ME PERFECTLY!
HOW AWESOME IS THIS?! I mean it is SOOOOO ME! It’s a hue of purple, it’s a “Keep Calm” saying, it says “Sparkle” and I love sparkly things, and it’s on a plaque thingie that I can put up on my wall to remind me to keep calm and sparkle. It really helps me to remember that it’s all gonna be OK and I can get through anything because if I can deal with having MS and lupus I can deal with a lot of other crap…EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE I JUST CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE…and believe me it feels like that often.
So this was one of my first attempts at finding more positive things to focus on. Today I had PLENTY to get my nerves all in an uproar and then I saw that in my bedroom sitting on my bookshelf at eye level and it reminded me to BREATHE and remember what’s more important.
MY LIGHT FROM WITHIN IS MORE IMPORTANT.
It’s not this other crapola that keeps getting in my way.
I’M WHAT MATTERS…
So after dealing with some tough stuff, I made sure to go walk on the treadmill in the “new” (I say it in quotes because it’s been in the apartment building now for probably a year but it’s “new” to me) for a bit and then head up to the sun deck, look at the sky and the world around me and remember what really matters. It’s also incredibly humbling to see that I am a little thing compared to the rest of the world. My problems aren’t AS BIG as the world so it helps to put them in perspective.
And then to think I’m well on my way to 200 BLOG POSTS!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for being a part of my life.
I can’t wait to see what else is in store…well maybe I can…but to know I’m not alone helps a lot!