Posts Tagged With: Cleo Kitty

“Should” Is a Dangerous Word

I don’t know about you but I have a lot of chatter going on in my head quite often. I’ve learned and been able to quiet it down a bit more but it’s amazing how loud it can get in there. My goodness. The things I say to myself. I used to be really mean to me and abusive and I realized that I didn’t like those bruises anymore, that I didn’t deserve them, so I have gotten in the practice of TRYING to take words and phrases out of my head that do me more harm than good.

“SHOULD.”

That word needs to be considered what is called a “bad” word. How often do I find myself “Should be” with the “Should be” because “Should be” is “Should be” and back and forth. It’s awful really. I set myself up on this pedestal and the expectations start. I expect more of myself than others expect of me. For goodness sakes. I mean I have multiple sclerosis and lupus and if I count what’s been happening the past few days, I’m also dealing with a sinus infection and have been sick from that.

ISN’T THAT ENOUGH?

Why does “should” even come into my Being. Why do I even let it in? I try so hard to take it out of my vocabulary. In fact, even writing this, I find myself wanting to write the word “should” in a sentence over and over again. But it always gets me into trouble.

If I act on the “Should Be”s then I am only going to get tense and stressed out if and when I can’t follow through. This became very clear to me again this evening when after a long day of crunching numbers, some rest, taking medications, taking care of my sickies, taking care of my Cleo Kitty, taking a lovely walk in the fresh cool air as the sun set, spending time with Corey and just living my life I found myself playing the “Should be” game.

ONLY IT ISN’T A GAME.

It’s always more serious and it is never fun. It says I’m not enough. It says that I’m not doing enough. I’m not good enough.

Well I have news for me.

THAT’S NOT TRUE. I AM ENOUGH.

SO NO MORE “SHOULD”.

And when I say it again to myself I gotta try not to be too hard myself about it and just try to stop myself and either reword it, trust that all is as it should be and/or tell those words in my head to go away. That they are no longer welcome.

As I said before, I’m getting better at it, at keeping the “Should”s away but it is very hard.

Since I didn’t act much on the “Should be”s today I am relieved to say that I am a bit better from the sickies. I’m also feeling a bit loopy and strange from the antibiotics and the mucinex but I’m not feeling sicker and more miserable so that is a plus.

Progress is a good thing.

I think I’ll write to the people who write the updated dictionary every year or however often they update it and tell them to take the word “should” out. What I do know is that in the Book of Nahleenisms, “should” is not included. In fact, the word no longer exists…

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I’M OK

I’ve been reflecting a lot about my Blog post yesterday, “Diagnosis Part 5: MRI”.

It helped so much to write that. I needed to really get that out. I needed to tell the whole world about my experience. It freed me a lot. I felt lighter after I wrote it and I’ve been breathing easier ever since.

And what I’ve become aware of even more today is something so enlightening and positive.

I’M OK.

I, Nahleen Virginia Blake (yes that’s my Middle Name), am OK. Oh my goodness! I’m OK. If you had told me that night of my first MRI that over 10 years from that whole experience I’d say I was OK I’d have pushed you away. I’d have ignored you. I wouldn’t have believed you. I probably would’ve gotten sick to my stomach.

No Way! I was so terrified about my life, about my future, about my body and everything that I had no control over. I “HAD CONTROL” of my life back then…I thought. I was on my path. Full speed ahead! Get out of my way. I’m following my dream. Actually…I’m chasing my dream. It can’t get away. My grip is so tight and I won’t let go. Keep on going and going and going and going. Well, guess what Energizer Bunny? You can’t keep going either no matter what those commercials say. Sorry but you run out of Oomph too!

Throughout these 10 plus years since I have been told by so many people older than me that I am too young to think the way I do. That I am too young to go through what I’ve gone through. That I should be going through all of this illness and crap when I’m older. Well, let me tell you all, I HAVE NO CONTROL AND I NEVER HAVE. I was powerless over what was happening in my body and my mind was bound to change. My life was bound to change! My outlook was bound to change! Change change change! Life is about change!

How could all of that not change?

I couldn’t work 2 jobs anymore. That was crazy to start with. I couldn’t be a Production Assistant for 12 hour days on my precious weekends anymore.  I couldn’t couldn’t with the couldn’ts. Suddenly my life came to a halt.

SORT OF.

I had to rest more.

I’M SORRY. DID I SAY REST?

What is REST? Well, that means I STOP all I’m doing to the best of my ability and sit my butt down. I can lay down on the bed. I get some quiet. I learn how to meditate. If I can’t stop I at least SLOW DOWN. Yes, slower is OK. Really. There are so many ways to rest. Forcing everything to a point of a racing heart is NOT RESTING. Nope. Everything in Fast Forward is not resting.

Actually, my life is usually better than OK but I didn’t know that until 8 years later when I was diagnosed with a second disease of lupus. A…SECOND…DISEASE……..OF…LUPUS….Now THAT ONE KICKED ME OFF MY FEET AND STRAIGHT ONTO MY BUTT and there was no getting up.

No question.

I hit a wall so hard it’s a wonder I even survived and I am NOT EXAGGERATING.

And my choices were simple yet so complicated for someone like me to understand. You see, simple is not simple. It can’t just be that pretty much everything in my life has to STOP AND SLOW DOWN and not just a few things here and there. This affected EVERYTHING.

I HAD TO CHANGE.

MY LIFE HAD TO CHANGE AND FAST.

I FELT I HAD NO CHOICE.

See, I used to say I had no choice. I had to stop working…for now…until further notice…maybe…no really…I still wasn’t feeling up to it months later…symptoms just kept kicking my butt…I needed Tender Loving Care from everyone but especially from ME. I could’ve gone back to work. Right. OK. And run around and been in an environment that was so toxic for me that I would’ve ended up in the hospital the next time. Sounds like a great quality of life.

It was ME. I had to change MY LIFE.

I had to take care of ME.

Why was that so hard? Why IS that so hard?

I know it’s worth it. I know I’m worth it. And it’s a work in progress…It really is about Quality of Life, not Quantity.

But when I focus on TLC and turning the attention of my TLC to me my life gets better. My life looks different, feels different, and even smells different. There are flowers to smell and see everywhere here in LA. There are trees with leaves that blow in the breeze. That is one of the most lovely sounds I have ever heard. There are clouds. Oh I have always loved clouds ever since I was a little kid. Give me a cloud to look at and I am thrilled. Everything else goes away. There is an ocean that keeps me Present when I can see it. Even driving by it changes my mood if I can see it. I am in the moment. Do you know how beautiful the moment is? Have you been able to feel your breath as you look at the vastness and the colors of the ocean as the sky and the light of the sun reflect on the ocean? Have you watched a seagull float along in the sea breeze? Even watching other people in the water puts a smile on my face.

Smiling. I do that so much more than I used to. I used to be told all the time to smile when I was in my 20s before the MS diagnosis. I had no idea I wasn’t smiling. I was so dang busy pushing and pulling and forcing and going that I forgot to smile. I had a frown on my face I was so intense. It’s a wonder I had any friends, family, work colleagues or anyone else who wanted to be in my life.

But somewhere along the way I forgot me. I still do sometimes and I am constantly working on bringing ME back.

And bringing my focus back to me, I see the shining emerald green glimpse of hummingbird. I see the butterfly off in the distance. I find myself sitting in my car listening to my favorite song and not getting out until I’ve finished belting it out to myself. And back to smiling because I find it so powerful. Smiling at others? Smiling at others and watching them smile back. It is so rare now for me not to connect with others with a smile. I have met some of the best people in the grocery store. We are all just people living our lives trying to get by. I have had lovely conversations in hospital building elevators with others about colors and clothing and my Muppet bag/purse.

I have sat next to some wonderful people while sitting in doctor waiting rooms. See doctor waiting rooms are tricky for me. I still can’t stand going to the doctor. In fact, I think in some ways it’s worse now because I have so much chronic illness doctor’s office visit fatigue if that makes any sense. I am sooooo done seeing so many doctors even though the appointments are currently usually further apart. Usually. But those waiting rooms can be so grueling and talking to others helps. If I don’t I feel closed off and not grounded. I find myself more nervous about the appointment than I was before. I find myself noticing that so many people are not feeling well, that they’re older and looking at me wondering why I’m there at whatever Specialist Doctor I happen to be at. It’s rough.

I have gotten to know the office staff at almost every doctor. I now have at least 2 friends at the Pharmacy I go to and I’ve had coffee with one of them. They are people too. Great gals actually. I have learned that it’s really not a problem usually to stand in line at a store. Why not look around? Why not watch a little girl or boy with their Mom and see what they see as they look around? Getting annoyed and irritated is probably going to make me feel worse. Life does not have to be lived so fast.

And what about finding myself through writing? I think I’ve always been a writer. I have written off and on all my life. This Blog has helped me get through what was a huge writer’s block for too many years. I need to write. It is part of my Being. Even if I write the hardest and deepest thoughts and words I still come out of it smiling. I wrote! I expressed myself!

And then there’s meditation, guided imagery, spiritual support groups, coffee groups, texts with friends, Facebook, Twitter, the online community in general, the longer conversations I get to have with people on the phone if I feel up to it (this one is still hard for me because being social is one of my favorite things but it also tires me out very quickly and as I get better I am more able to talk and maybe even visit but it’s still a one day at a time thing), the exploring of neighborhoods as I walk every day (by the way it’s been over 450 days since I started taking a walk every day!) I never know where I’ll end up. I have found the greatest local businesses that way. Some of the best coffee shops are in Santa Monica. I wouldn’t have known that before.

And sitting on my balcony especially at night is one of my favoritest things to do ever. I sit back in my lounge chair and look at the sky, look at my iPad (feel so fortunate and lucky to have such a supportive husband who bought me an iPad even before my lupus diagnosis and it has changed my life–the online world is a much more accessible place because sitting at the computer with the big screen can be hard for me for so many reasons), talk to my plants, and I can even have plants that I love and adore! And let me tell you, they respond so much better when I talk to them and give them love.

I have found faith and hope during these slower times. During these quiet times it has not all been fabulous. As they say every rose has its thorns and that is so true. There is beauty in life everywhere. There is also struggling, and excruciating feelings, and trudging, and crying, and anger, and memories, and reliving traumas, and temper tantrums, and grieving, and missing the old days when I thought my life was something else, and when I was younger before my MS diagnosis, and wanting to punch things and having very very hard times and hard days. I find I’m also having an identity crisis. Who am I? Who is Nahleen with MS and lupus? Will I ever work again? What will I do? Which idea am I going to pursue? Where is my life leading? Is this my life? I can’t live my life as someone who is identified only as my illnesses but it is a major challenge to break away from that when my life is lived in doctor’s offices talking about everything that’s still wrong with me, even talking about those few things that are getting better is still on the subject, just being there reminds me too much about my reality, having to prove my Disability to other entities who are trying to not help me, dealing with insurance issues, reliving the past for new doctors, taking over 4 hours to get going before I feel human in the morning, taking my medications, keeping up with my medications, keeping track of symptoms and the severity of them and watching for patterns, exercising so I can keep functioning and I could go on. Please let my life be more than that.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I’M OK.

I’m better than I was 10 years ago even before my MS diagnosis. I see the world in front of me more. I see the world. I am in the world. I am not on the outside looking in. I am NOT living the life I want to live on a whole just yet but isn’t that normal? I want to live a life WITHOUT MS and lupus but that is a lot to ask right now and to be honest it pisses me off and I can feel the rage right now even as I write this. But right now I’m in a better wave. I don’t know how long it will last or if it’s the new norm. Life is always happening and it is always in session. I have learned that time and time again. And I don’t know how I’m going to feel the next moment from when I write this sentence but for now I’ll take the feeling that life is a bit easier. How cool is that? I’m a bit more at ease. What a gift.

But it is not a life to be rushed through. Time goes by too fast. I was a tied up ball of knots rushing around plowing my way to the next goal in my mid-20s thinking I would someday rule the world, but it was never good enough. And in the past few days, life is good enough. Sure, I want more money, I want a bigger place to live in, I want that dent out of my car that someone so nicely put in there at a time I wasn’t around to see it happen, I want to be thinner, I want to feel so good that I am frolicking and skipping down the street and I don’t ever want bad things or hard things ever to happen again.

But that’s not real.

And I’M OK.

And the best part is there are parts of my life that are so very happy. I am happy with my husband and my Cleo Kitty. Corey keeps me laughing and on my toes. He is so incredibly supportive and always by my side. We are the best team I know. Cleo Kitty and I are best friends. We have been there for each other during each of our health problems for the past 3 years. She cuddles and plays and needs to eat and she demands her pets.

I also have a roof over my head, wonderful people in my life who don’t let me isolate even for one minute and they are from all parts of my life, 2 cars that run well, air conditioning that usually works, clothes to wear, food to eat, a bed to sleep on even if the mattress is so old there are hills and valleys in it and the list is endless.

I have a full life. A pretty darn good life. It can be very hard. And sometimes it can be easy but those times seem rare. Perhaps that will change. I don’t know. What I do know is that I breathe easier. I’m not nearly as tense. I feel much better than I did last year in July 2012 (and it doesn’t mean I am all better but I will take whatever I can get), I smile and giggle more than I frown and grumble. My bad days aren’t nearly as bad and intense and I recover quicker. And this is all just for today.

That is all I have. That is all WE have.

And that is OK.

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Doctors: Please Take ME Into Consideration

Full Name: Nahleen Virginia (Knight) Blake. Knight is my Maiden Name. Where did Nahleen come from? Well funny you should ask. I’m sure I’ll have to repeat to you over and over how to say it and how to spell it but let’s get it right the first time. What’s the significance of Virginia? It’s my Grandmother’s Name.

Birth Date: 5/28/77. Thanks! Yes I just turned 36. Uh huh. I’m aware of what 36 means. Wait, what does it mean? Do I dare ask?

Male/Female: I’ll let you guess.

Phone Number: Oh great now you’re gonna bug me all the time.

Any Other Good Numbers to Call?: Nope. And even if there were some I wouldn’t give them to you because you’d chase after me and I’d get no peace. And no you are NOT getting my work number. I made the mistake of telling you that number before and you kept calling me there. Um hi. I’m busy there.

Address: Great. You might stalk me. You’ll at least be sending me bills here. Why else would you want it? Why do I want to give this to you?

Is This a Good Billing Address?: Knew it. It’s all about the $.

Emergency Contact Phone Number: ACK! What’s gonna happen here? There’s gonna be an Emergency here? What if I have no one? And if I give you someone, will you call them every time you can’t reach me? What if that person is across the country? How will they know where I am? Great, now they’ll be worried.

Weight: Does that really matter? Is this any indication of anything? There is no black and white here.

Height: 5’Short–according to my Chiropractor I should be 5’5″ someday as long as I keep going to get adjustments/treatments from him.

Usual Blood Pressure Reading: As if I’m gonna tell you if it’s high. Uh huh. But you’ll take it here in the midst of White Coat Land and freak me out EVERY TIME and take that as a regular reading. Oh you want me to check it at home to get a more accurate reading? How will that be accurate again? I’ll know when I’m gonna be doing it and it will go up.

Usual Body Temperature: 97.5 but you won’t believe me so when you check my temperature and see that it’s 98.6 you’ll say that’s normal and I’ll say it’s high for me and you’ll pass it off.

Hair Color: Well now that’s a good question. Some kind of purple since March 2012.

Hair Type: Pretty dang curly. It’s really short right now.

Eye Color: Blue and to me my eyes are tiny. I also wear glasses so it’s hard to tell they’re as blue as they are.

Birthplace: Homestead, FL (Does that really matter?)

Where I’m From: Kingston, NH

Where I Live Now: Los Angeles, CA

Grow Up With Both Parents?: Yes. I’m blessed to have done so. However, growing up with Single Parents wouldn’t make me less than.

How Old Are They?: None of your business.

Siblings?: Yes. An older sister.

How Old is Your Sibling?: Isn’t that Private? I already said she was older.

Employed?: No. What’s your point? Thanks for reminding me.

Insurance?: Yes. What if I said no?

Are you the Insured? The Primary Card Holder?: HUH?

Primary Insurance?: Ummm…

Secondary Insurance?: WHAT THE?! Leave me alone!

Insurance Information (and everything you didn’t even know you needed to know…): OK. Let me just dig through my purse and wallet and FIND that all for you. Didn’t I just give you my Insurance card? Isn’t it all on there?

Driver License Number: Geez. Nosy! And didn’t I just give you my ID? Isn’t that what this is?

Social Security Number: None of your business. Stop snooping around. I think I need to report you.

Disability?: Meaning what? Yes I have Disability Coverage but don’t get me started about all of that. Am I Disabled? YES! OK?! I think that’s in the mind of the beholder.

Married? Single? Divorced? Domestic Partner?: What does that matter?

If Yes to Married, what’s your Spouse’s Name?: What if I’m not married? I feel like crap now.

If Yes to Married, Spouse’s Social Security Number: Well now that everyone else has been left out…now why on EARTH would you EVER need their Social Security Number?

Allergic to Anything?: What exactly do you mean by allergic? I hope not! Great now you have me paranoid.

Eyesight: Yes I have it but I’m pretty blind. Do you mean do I wear glasses? Yes.

Illnesses?: Must you remind me? (Sigh.)–Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, High Blood Pressure, Asthmatic Tendencies, Hay Fever, IBS, Prone to Infection, Probably Depression–and now I’ve crawled under the chair in the corner…

Is This a Work Related Accident?: I knew it was an accident I had all these illnesses! Yes! I’ve wanted to blame my work for something! Perfect!

When Did It Happen?: Ummmm…which dates are you looking for? What are we talking about now?

Medications: Hmmmmm. Do you have a whole book I can fill out? This little box here ain’t gonna cut it. And do I include vitamins in this or not? None of you ever know if you care about these or not.

Other Doctors?: Too many to count. Again, looking for a book to fill out. I might have room to write down one doctor.

Can We Contact Your Doctors?: Meaning what? Yes aaannndddd No. How’s that? And will you really contact them?

Any New Doctors?: Chiropractor (not that you pay attention to that because they are NOT in Western Medicine…OH but he’s a doctor too? OK…). Psychologist/Psychiatrist: Yes she’s both.

Symptoms?: Ok great. Thanks for reminding me. Yep. (Tense up).–Fatigue, pain, stiffness, weakness, tingling, heat fatigue, eye light/dark sensitivity (new–and I’m annoyed), dry eyes, dry mouth, cognitive symptoms, emotional symptoms, overall malaise, hair loss, nausea, bloating (hmmm there’s not enough room on here. In fact, there’s not enough room in any of these boxes on here. What the heck? Do you really have any patients who can fit their life/health histories in such a small space?)

WHAT KIND OF A FORM IS THIS?

*THESE ARE JUST EXAMPLES OF WHAT I’VE BEEN ASKED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!*

Seriously, doctors, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, medical assistants, nurses, office staff, lab technicians, etc.: How often do you really look at these? Are you even looking at these? And do I even want ALL OF YOU to see EVERYTHING I just answered? That is a flat out NO! And why isn’t there an overall database that all medical professionals have access to? Why do I have to KEEP filling out all the same questions? Why is each form different? Why can’t they be uniform? I’m tired. I’m tired of writing all of this down. I’m soooooo over rehashing all of this.

I AM NAHLEEN.

What does that mean? That means I’m a Person. I mean something. I’m not my penmanship (which used to be really good btw until I kept having to write these answers over and over again). I’m not just my name. I am 3D. I have Depth. I giggle a lot. I’m struggling all the time with my diseases. I’m not working and that was one of the hardest decisions to make. I’m afraid to say I’m feeling better because I don’t want you to think that I’m all better and shut off when I tell you that. And who knows who will be looking at these files/records and will assume I’m magically all better and then what? I don’t fit in a box. I don’t come in black and white. I come in many colors. Perhaps that’s why I express the purple that’s within me. Yes, my hair is purple. That doesn’t mean I’m happy. That also doesn’t mean I’m crying out for attention. Purple is a part of who I am. Purple has been a part of my soul since I was at least 10. That’s a long time. Can we get passed my purple hair? Thanks. Yes, I have a husband. We’ve been together 15 years. Married 6. Why does the part where I’m married mean more than the commitment of the relationship of 15 years? Yes, I have a weight problem. I’d think I myself would be the most aware of this at all times since I have to live with me. I have ALL MY LIFE. Sure I don’t get to exercise as much but how much do I need to do necessarily? I’ve been walking every day now for 401 days! I know it’s cool. You better think it’s cool! I stretch every day too. Cardio? I try. Coming here to all of my doctor appointment should count as cardio. I’m serious. Oh and did you ever ask me how I am? How I’m feeling? How I’m really doing with all these illnesses? You want me to come in next week too? Did you ask if I’d feel up to it? Did you take into account my life? You are not the only doctor in my life. You are not the only part of my life. You want me to try a new medication? Oh it only has THAT many side effects? Will you be able to pay for it? I’m currently low on funds. Did I mention to you that I’m going on a trip soon? That I want to do more than go to doctors? That I want to have a fulfilling life not focused constantly on medical crap? That I want to try to live my life not ALWAYS talking about my illnesses? Not being defined by these life disrupters? Did you know I have a Cleo Kitty? That I love to write. That I have a Honda Fit that I love? That I miss my family and loved ones back east like crazy? That I’d love to be a Producer of TV, feature films, short films, videos of any sort and to be that creative and not worry about how much time that would entail and how much that would wear me out? That because I’m always seeing you I get really tired and don’t have a lot of time to be social? That I love to be social? I almost forget this myself because I’m so caught up in stuff with you. Don’t get me wrong. Thank you for helping me or trying to. Thank you for helping me feel better (well at least a lot of you–I won’t talk about the others). Thank you for being proactive and part of my time.

BUT PLEASE TAKE ME INTO CONSIDERATION.

I am a person. I have a life. You take up a lot of me. I don’t see you for fun. I see you to get healthy. Perhaps we need to take a look at the best way to keep me healthy. Is it by seeing you all the time? Filling out these forms? Getting my arm constantly squeezed by the blood pressure cuff only for it to spike when I’m there? Is it by constantly talking about my weight? Is it by constantly stabbing my arm to check my blood work levels over and over again because you haven’t been in communication with my other doctors about my blood count levels that were taken just last week? OR is it by spacing out these appointments a bit more? By letting me expand and grow my life to see what I can do and not do? By taking the time to see that I am a human being who needs to breathe and to LIVE and experience the world as this newer more enhanced version of Nahleen???

I’m not the same Nahleen who was working 3 years ago and pushing to do my best no matter what cost it put on my body and my life because I didn’t know or understand anything different. I am a Nahleen who is feeling out my boundaries. Who is not willing to be horribly sick again if I can help it. Sure my body might have its own plans but I will not push it too far. But see I don’t have much chance to see how far I can push. If am pushing, it’s to see my therapist and chiropractor while I’m seeing my other doctors. And these 2 new medical professionals in my life are helping me to figure out how to be a Nahleen with purple hair who still has a chance to smell the roses and look up at the sky (3 of her favorite things were just mentioned here), wants to figure out where her place now is in the world, wants to be social and not live within a medical professional tunnel of health, wants to try new things, wants to do more than rehash her health stuff over and over and who needs to BREATHE!

So if I tell you I can’t see you next week and there is room to BREATHE without putting my entire health at stake (I understand sometimes there are exceptions), please give me that room. You have your life schedule. I have mine. Please respect that. And if I don’t have time to see you, please COMPROMISE. With all due respect, it’s not all about you. You are not my only doctor. You are not the only thing going on in my life. Let’s talk about this. And PLEASE, don’t give me less care because I didn’t put my life aside to come in and see you and pay you more money. There is a phone. There is email. There is always another way.

THANK YOU.

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CAMBRIA HERE WE COME!

YIPPEEEE!!!!

Heading to Cambria today at some point when we can pull ourselves together! We have reservations at a spa/hotel/resort in a room that has a king size bed, jacuzzi style tub with spa jets, a fireplace, a pillow top bed, a spa to get massages and facials, supposed live entertainment on Saturday nights, a luxury continental breakfast in the mornings, a walkway that connects to a boardwalk that leads through a State Park straight to the ocean and the list goes on and on! I can’t wait!

Yesterday was the kind of day that went really well in the beginning and it all flowed really well and then about halfway through after making a business call it sank and it sank fast. I don’t want to get into it but this trip has come at the PERFECT TIME!

Not only is Cleo Kitty doing quite well (and we have a lovely lady coming to watch and stay with her who has bonded with her in the past which I tell you is a VERY RARE THING if you’re not Corey or myself), I am feeling much much better from taking care of myself and going to the doctor and taking antibiotics that IMMEDIATELY kicked that infection’s buttinsky and from the storms happening last night that ACTUALLY INCLUDED ONE HUGE BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHTNING AND THEN A HUGE CRAZY CRACK OF THUNDER RIGHT OVERHEAD (which is VERY RARE AND EXCITING IN LA) so that helped me get some physical relief, I’m actually feeling up to taking a road trip (WHOA! LOOK AT ME GO!–haven’t been able to plan a road trip or trust that I could do one longer than 2 hours and that was pushing it…for AGES it feels like), I’m going with Corey and I can’t remember the last time we got away just the 2 of us to a place that wasn’t connected to anyone we knew (don’t get me wrong I love my peeps but we need some REAL TIME AWAY), and well IT IS JUST TIME.

So off we go at some point today. Part of this whole trip is the road trip. We will get there when we get there. I used to love road trips with Corey. We have the best time if we just go with it. I keep thinking we should be hurrying up and leaving now but then that’s not either of our styles to be honest and that would kick my already emotionally fragile lupus and MS butt that has made my physicality a bit fragile too today. So when it’s meant to be that we go, we go.

To be honest, after that phone call yesterday regarding YET ANOTHER BIG LIFE DECISION (HAVEN’T I MADE ENOUGH OF THOSE LATELY!? A GAL NEEDS A BREAK HERE AND THERE!), if I wasn’t already getting away and planning on running away anyway to try to relax and clear my head, I would’ve run away anyway. I have mentally had ENOUGH!

So enough of this writing chatter. Gotta get back to my self care so we can get the heck outta here.

THE ONLY DOWNSIDE?

… (sad face here) Leaving Cleo Kitty. I haven’t left her since the whole “cancer” episode (I say that because she is so resilient and awesome that she doesn’t seem to have cancer (really long story–but she does have some other serious health problems and sensitivities. Never did get a definitive diagnosis because she’s a kitty and didn’t need to be more traumatized than she already was for goodness sakes) and that was in December 2011. We are quite attached to each other and have been each other’s caretakers since then. So as much as I know it is for the best, it will still be hard. But we will be back Sunday night. And I have to remember that the fact that we can even leave her at this point is amazing. In November we had planned a similar trip to celebrate 15 years together and 6 years of marriage and had to cancel it because her health was so questionable and we couldn’t leave her. Now I look at her and it’s hard to believe that happened. She’s so in the mood to keep living and we finally got to the bottom of her health stuff too so that’s good.

Anyway, I keep babble-writing. Off I go!

Write soon!

Oh and to my new followers HI! Yay! Thanks for joining me on my crazy path. To my commenters–yay thank you for commenting! I plan on responding next week.

Have a great weekend y’all! I know I am not the only one going through this thing we call life and holy moly it can be hard and intense…

Love to all!

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A CLEAN MOUTH OF HEALTH!

OMG!  No WAY!

This is the second time in a row that I have gone to the Dentist and been told that my mouth is doing really well!  HOW COOL IS THAT?!

See with LUPUS and lupus medications, I have had a tendency to have dry mouth syndrome (I know there’s a name for it), swollen gums, bleeding gums, sensitive teeth, a sensitive or swollen tongue (TMI I know), cankers and just a whole bunch of IRRITATION!

Well lately I’ve been thinking about my Dentist appointment coming up and have realized that I have not been thinking about my mouth lately.  Now isn’t that a weird sentence for ya!  Funny how that is.  I have been thinking about issues and symptoms in my mouth for years…EVEN BEFORE THE LUPUS DIAGNOSIS IN AUGUST 2010.

SO YEAH.

All is CLEAN AND WELL IN NAHLEEN’S MOUTH!

That may have been more than you needed to know but I’m happy to share it because right now, any good physical health is a huge VICTORY for me these days!

The ONLY REMINDER I got from my Dentist is to be really careful and pay extra attention to my Wisdom teeth (yes I still have ALL 4 OF THEM!  If only I was more WISE from them…) because that’s where all the problems can really start since they’re so hard to get to.  I get that reminder every time so it wasn’t a big concern.

SO HOW COOL IS THAT?!

I NEED MORE APPOINTMENTS LIKE THAT!

I was so up from that good news and appointment that I found myself eating lunch at the Veggie Grill using a gift card given to me by an awesome friend, and having my favorite B-Wing Salad (if you haven’t tried you have got to!), then driving to Santa Monica beach so I could pick up some purple hair dye and stock up at a new store (of which I LOVE and had no idea about–thank you SIRI on my IPhone–you may be creepy but you helped a lot today), ended up purchasing some special muscle soak bath salts that are all natural and stopped by a Jamba Juice to try to get some extra nutritional needs taken care of since I’m going on a special diet prep for a special Hydrogen Breathing Test on Thursday.  Needless to say Wednesday will be weird, hence the dying the hair purple to pep me up for Thursday’s “UN-FUNNESS” of no eating and no meds till after the test that may take over 3 hours (YIPPY SKIPPY), and nurturing the body because lupus and MS can get very irritated from being so OUT OF ROUTINE and depleted of all things to take care of it.

I also found myself driving along the coast and parking very easily at a spot along the street with my Handicapped Placard (best part about having one is parking and not having to pay for meters or worry about time constraints unless they’re Street Sweeping–learned that the hard way years ago) and walking down the stairway (COULD NOT HAVE PLANNED THAT BETTER), only to find myself walking out onto a WALKWAY halfway onto the beach and then straight towards the ocean.  It was a cloudy cool day so hardly anyone was there…THAT IS EXCEPT 2 DIFFERENT PHOTO SHOOTS (one of them may have been a music video–so WISH I knew who those 2 different women in different locations were with their whole entourages) and lots of birds taking advantage of the absence of weird human creatures.

Once that was done I dragged my satisfied self (getting tired by then but so happy to be taking care of myself and things just so wonderfully falling into place) to the grocery store to get some regular groceries and other items to help me get through the strange diet menu I need to have tomorrow to Prep for that Thursday test.

SO ALL IN ALL.  A pretty good day even if I do say so myself and I DO!

Was also nice to see that our Cleo Kitty was doing better since this morning because this morning she got sick I think from eating her food too fast and that always worries us with her health issues.  She seems to still be recovering but is much better I think.  Was probably good for me to get away and leave her alone so she could get some REAL rest but BOY was she HAPPY TO SEE ME AND I TO SEE HER.

I LOVE MY CLEO KITTY!

OK.  Time to unwind…

It’s nice when days fall into place.  They rarely do that with such ease and I’m going to take the time to enjoy that…

AND BREATHE…

RIGHT NOW.  DID YOU BREATHE WITH ME?  YOU SHOULD TRY IT.  MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE.

That’s even better.

Hope you all have had a good day too!  We all deserve more of those!  Write to you soon!

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MOMENTS OF PEACE PART 19!

Hey there!  Happy Friday!

Welcome to all my new followers.  All of you on my Blog journey rock my world.  Thank you so much for being here with me.  Today’s a bit harder for me after a pretty good week because I’m feeling “blech” and my Cleo Kitty isn’t feeling well at all today.  Poor little girl.

I can’t stand feeling “blech”.  At least my body hasn’t totally crashed like it did almost 3 weeks ago but at the same time, I have to rest and yet I’m a bit restless.  Such a weird place to be.  I had quite an active week so I know why I’m feeling this way.  It’s hard not to get too resentful that I’m feeling crappy today because I had more of an active week.  I mean, really?  Why can’t I just be active and then be tired and that’s it?  Nope.  My MS and lupus make me pay more attention to me and my choices and so that’s just the deal.  All shenanigans I had planned for today have to wait and well, so do I, I guess in some ways…

It’s Cleo Kitty feeling yucky that is always hard for me.  At least now we know it’s not cancer so that’s great but it’s probably some sort of immune related IBD of some sort and the hardest part at this point is to get her to eat again.  It hasn’t been a full 24 hours of her not eating but it is getting close.  I try not to freak out but of course I get sad.  She seems happy or at least positive, she’s up on the bed instead of underneath it hiding and isolated and she lets me pet her.  So all of these things are encouraging.  So I have a few other idea up my sleeve that I’ll be implementing soon to see if she’ll eat.  I hope they work.  She puked this morning and hasn’t puked since so that’s a big positive too.  But I’ll admit it’s hard.  She’s my daughter.  She’s my baby girl.  I want her to always feel good…even if that’s not realistic…

So I think in order to combat the “sads” I’m getting, I want to post some Moments of Peace I’ve had in the past few months.  Remember when I used to do those every week?  I gotta try to do those more regularly again because I really like doing them.  The last time I did a Moments of Peace post was in September 2012 I think.  Soooo, without further ado, I’ll post some Moments of Peace I’ve had in this new year of 2013:

 

Happy New Year 2013! Corey and I made it! Aren’t we cute? Apparently we are because we got a lot of compliments with this picture. I guess my forehead attached to his cheek is cute.

Happy New Year’s Day! Thank you to the first day of 2013 for giving me such a wonderful view from my balcony that morning! Such a gift!

 

My view on one of my walks in West Los Angeles, CA. It was a glorious sunset of glowing golden oranges and yellows…

 

I LOVE THESE WHITE PUFFY CLOUDS! White puffies are my favorite! There were white puffies the entire day when I took this picture. And look at that BLUE sky! Love it!

 

There are still some fall leaves in Los Angeles, CA. Go figure. While the leaves are dying, there are tons of new pine cones everywhere all at the same time. So interesting to really see it all happen this season. These fall leaves really caught my eye and made me nostalgic for my old home in New Hampshire…

 

The sky is always putting on a show. I watched the clouds and the sun set for about a half hour one evening and the show was mesmerizing as I watched the shadows and pinks dance around the clouds. The clouds were also making all kinds of shapes. It was a wonderful experience!

 

Soooo happy to see these new blooms on my new Christmas cactus! Soooo pretty.

 

Aren’t these flowers just luscious! Saw these in an arrangement and was so taken by them!

 

And these are even more luscious flowers within the same arrangement! I wanted to take the arrangement home with me but I think the people in the restaurant would’ve noticed…

 

This week I was able to take a day trip away from West Los Angeles, CA and drive about 45 minutes to Rancho Palos Verdes, CA where a friend of mine lives. It was an absolutely beautiful day and we had a great time! Here’s the Lighthouse at Palos Verdes, CA.

 

I think the sun and the ocean speak for themselves in this wonderful view in Palos Verdes, CA but to actually catch a pelican in view and in the picture was really great. My Granny loved pelicans and I’d like to think that she was saying “Hi” to me! Hi Granny!

 

My friend Kendra and I were absolutely belly laughing with hilarity and had completely lost it by the time we finally got this picture of the two of us! We just couldn’t get it to work no matter what! It was so much fun! I think you can see the laughter here in the picture which is why I love it so much. And by the way, she mentioned she thought it looked like there was a candle coming out of her head and well, now I can’t get that out of my mind. Hopefully she’ll read this and laugh again from it all. I’m giggling now just thinking about it.

 

Hey that’s me at the Lighthouse in Palos Verdes, CA! I’m picky about pictures of myself and I think this one isn’t so bad. Soooo, OK. I’ll post it.

 

On the drive home I was able to take some amazing sunset pictures along the way. I think this one speaks for itself. Breathtaking…

 

So I changed position of the camera, centered on the sun and zoomed in. This is what I got. Just breathtaking…

 

So from that same position as the previous picture, I zoomed in more and the result is well…it’s WOW…there are no words to describe…

 

And that’s how I’d like to end my post for the day.  I hope you all enjoyed my Moments of Peace.  Posting them helped up my mood a bit and feel more positive.  So happy to be able to share them all with you.

Have a wonderful and pleasant weekend all and thank you again for being you!

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LIFE: ALWAYS IN SESSION (A BLOG POST NOVEL BY NAHLEEN BLAKE)

THIS IS MY 150TH BLOG POST!  Woo hoo!  Go me!  I think part of me was holding off posting this HUGE MIND BLOWING BLOG POST for my 150th because my goodness, it’s my 150th post!  There should be fireworks and you should all be touched FOREVER by all that I have to say. 

OK.  Well, first of all…EGO.  Yes, I have one.  It can get in the way but it helps sometimes…I suppose.  Second of all, WHAT THE HECK?  Fireworks?  Really?  I’m so weird.  I get one compliment from someone and I feel like I don’t deserve it and WOW “they really like me” and my favorite quote that Corey always teases me about, “I’m just being me” as if I’m not good enough for a compliment.  BUT THEN, I want to have words that LIVE ON FOREVER AND EVER?!

Well, no wonder no Blog was coming out.  Conflict and pressure.  Geez!

ANYWAY…

To be honest with you, I don’t know what’s going to come out of these hands as I type.  My head has been all over the place and there has been so much of life happening that I think it almost silenced me.  I know.  HA!  Yeah right!  But it kinda did.  I mean, I had to have a Blog post in order and outlined (not that I ever have…Ahem) before it had to be written.  I had to have a clear head before I wrote it.

Um, it’s the New Year.  Is anyone’s head clear right now?  Is anyone’s head EVER clear?  Really clear?  I mean, like it’s all in order.  I doubt it.

So here I am and this may be a stream of consciousness.

BUT before I go any further, I want to make sure to hit on a few things before I go off on tangents again:

1. HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013!  Turns out the world DID NOT end and we are all still here…I think.  Well as far as I know.

2. WELCOME to all my new followers.  Thank you for helping to encourage me that past posts are worth following.

3. THANK YOU to all of you for joining me on this crazy journey called life and what I like to call, “Life In Nahleen’s Head”…I hope you’re all wearing your seat belts.  My head can get crazy and I’m sharing it with you.

4. TOPIC (at least I think this is what the topic is for this Blog) “LIFE: ALWAYS IN SESSION”.

You know, the first time I heard those words from a very wise person I know, I was beside myself.  How profound that sounded.  How simple that idea is.  Life is always in session.  There’s always something going on.  There are always errands to run, people hurting, happy people, the weather continues to change, and really nothing stays the same does it?

So why is that idea so hard?  Why is it that it’s so hard to accept that life is always happening and changing?  Well, for me it’s that YET AGAIN, I gotta morph to it and be flexible.  Ew.   AND if a new event pops up in my life, that doesn’t mean the rest of life STOPS.  Wouldn’t that be great to be able to stop all of the other stuff, you know like stop time whenever we want and how we see in fantasy/sci-fi movies and they make it look so easy with their special effects, that we STOP everything else so that we can take care of this SPECIFIC thing that’s happening?

But then, if it’s something that’s really hard to deal with, then we have to be ready to deal with it.  So, then when do we stop the rest of what’s going on in our lives?  And hey, maybe we don’t want to stop that other stuff.  Maybe it’s the other stuff that helps to keep us going right?  Or maybe it isn’t. 

But the point is: LIFE IS ALWAYS IN SESSION–DANG IT!

I had to add that extra part because well, it’s how I feel most of the time even if there is more than one good thing going on, well then what comes first?  How do I prioritize?  How do I process it all in my crazy filled head?  Isn’t it already filled to the brim?  How can it take on more?  Should it take on more?  Does it need to be handled right away?  WHAT’S GOING ON?

ACK!

Then I turn into the loveable Tasmanian Devil from those wonderful Looney Tunes cartoons of the past and away I go.  But where do I go?  Usually I’m just spinning in place.  But if I’m spinning, I probably don’t have my feet firmly on the ground now do I?  I probably haven’t paused to breathe. 

AND MY HEAD JUMPS IN RIGHT NOW AND ASKS:  WHAT?  BREATHE?

What’s breathing?  Well, there’s the involuntary breathing that thank goodness our bodies are already programmed to do.  Thank goodness for that huh?  I mean, imagine if we didn’t have that involuntary process.  Hmm.  Oh how different life would be.  Would we make it as humanity?  I don’t know about you, but quite often I find myself forgetting to take those intended deep breaths that help get the oxygen into my body and brain and usually help me to relax and calm down even a teensy tiny bit.  So then I’m sort of I guess holding my breath.  Well that’s not good.  The body needs to be doing both kinds of breathing in order to survive the best way: involuntary and voluntary.

SO WHAT AM I GETTING AT HERE?

Well, somewhere along the way in late October or November (or maybe I had never REALLY found myself even a bit at all) I LOST MYSELF.  Where’d Nahleen go?  I’m sure she was there.  I speak of myself in third person on purpose.  She was out there handling the world the best way she knew how.  The holidays were coming upon us.  Cleo Kitty was going through a bit of a hard time and we had to cancel our little Wedding/Together Anniversary Trip to stay with her.  Wouldn’t have changed that for anything but I think it played a part in things.  (I haven’t had a chance to get away for over a year due to either my health or Cleo’s, both or just life reasons in general and I’m feeling it.)  But then, Cleo got so much better and we nursed her back to health, after bringing her to her wonderful new vet who was ONLY a second opinion vet for her back in February of 2012 because we thought she was dealing with cancer. 

BUT then come to find out a few weeks later with a very different care regimen for Cleo, that she was UNDIAGNOSED with cancer because it had been a year since her DIAGNOSIS OF PROBABLE CANCER (Corey and I had made the decision along with Cleo, NOT to do any invasive testing on her and to just let her be a kitty and keep her comfortable as long as she needed it) and as her new vet told us, she was showing NO SIGNS of these probable cancers and she DEFINITELY WOULD BE BY NOW–and that was in November 2012 I believe.

Well, then how AWESOME WAS THAT?!  A true MIRACLE!  I would love there to be more UNDIAGNOSES FOR ME AND ALL MY LOVED ONES AT THIS POINT.  She does however have a very sensitive immune system like I do (oh the parallels of our health together can get a bit too creepy sometimes if I think about it too much) and probably has asthma, IBD of some sort and probably chronic upper respiratory infections that will affect her off and on so we gotta find balance with that.  BUT STILL!  As Corey put it, there was no DARK LOUDLY TICKING CLOCK (Edgar Allen Poe comes to mind) HOVERING OVER OUR LIVES ABOUT how many days Cleo had left.  Sure, she’s older and has immune issues but her life is wide open.  AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  She’s doing EVEN BETTER now.  It helps to be told you don’t have cancer and to see that your people are even brighter about you now I’m sure.  I believe she’s more youthful than she’s been in a LONG TIME.

So yay about that right?  OF COURSE!  But I think it lifted me off the ground even more and it was hard to trust anything after that.  What was real?  What wasn’t real?

THEN THANKSGIVING HAPPENED.  That was a great day.  It was so nice to be of service to others.  Corey, our friend Aaron and I volunteered at a big event that welcomed ALL to come together as a COMMUNITY and cook, eat, cut hair, make crafts, have a kids carnival in the morning, dance, sing, get free check ups from doctors, get family photos, give away and pick up free clothes and the list goes on and on.  Apparently, the event was an absolute success.  I had the PRIVILEGE of being a VOLUNTEER to sit and eat with people and talk to them.  Well, that’s no problem for me now is it?  To be honest, it was a bit awkward at times.  Usually if it was a family I sat with (I think I sat with at least 4 different families as the event went on) and there were kids, it was the kids who were talking to me, not the adults.  Well, that was fine.  I love kids.  I always have and find them very easy to talk to.

MEANWHILE, as all of this was happening, I was still waiting for Social Security Disability to come through and get their payments to me correctly because it helps to have money but at the same time, I saw all of these people who had so much less and it started to not matter.  At some point along the way, I don’t even remember the day which is AMAZING, they did come through and it looks like the payments are FINALLY coming in right after 2 years of waiting for them to get it right.  Still have a few things to iron out with that but I’m ok.

I DON’T REMEMBER THE EXACT DATE THIS ALL CAME TO A HEAD, (again, Amazing that I don’t have the exact date etched in my head), BUT MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM STARTED FLIPPING OUT AND I COULDN’T EAT ANYTHING WITHOUT FEELING LIKE MY STOMACH WAS LURCHING AND TRYING TO JUMP OUT OF MY BODY.  I’m convinced that the writers/producers of the movie “Alien” had had digestive problems of some sort because THAT IS WHAT IT FELT LIKE…I couldn’t eat a half piece of toast without feeling like my organs were trying to jump free from my torso.  SOOOO, after being on those HORRIBLE digestive antibiotics for what I’m now finding out was way too long, I found myself in the ER.  I had asked my original Gastroenterologist at the time if I should go and he told me NO.  Well, it’s a good thing I listen to my own body because I called Corey and asked him to come home from work and drive me to the ER.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  It was the day of the huge storm Sandy on the east coast.  I think my timeline is off here but oh well.  Anyway, I remember that because there was a TV in the ER Exam Room I was placed in and I got to be entertained and mortified at the same time (I’m a weather geek but I do have a heart) while I felt so horrible.  They did bunches of tests and gave me some drugs, said they didn’t see a lot but sent me on my way.  I did feel a bit better but I needed more than that.  I found a way to be referred to a second opinion gastroenterologist (was a bit roundabout because my group of doctors pretty much all know each other and are all kinda in it to help each other and I knew I wouldn’t get very far asking my Primary because he’d still stick with what the original Gastroenterologist doctor had said to do and that would’ve gotten me in more trouble) and was able to see this new second opinion specialist almost immediately.  What’s great about going to the ER is that all kinds of tests were done and having been an experienced veteran of the ER experience I was somehow with it enough to ask for all files and records of what had been done so that all of my doctors could get these answers.  So glad I did that.  I brought all the records and results to this second specialist and after a few questions (the right questions I guess) I was able to get a fresh perspective about what might be going on with me.  He is now my current Gastroenterologist.  I won’t go back to the old one.  The old one helped me so much for two years.  I need this new guy.  He’s very calm and calming, he knows exactly how to handle a crazy planning person like me, he keeps me much more present and in the moment, he is very clear about what he knows and with his help I was able to be diagnosed with IBS or Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  I’m still currently on a treatment to help get rid of the flare but if you ask me it’s been long enough.  That’s just my head.  Honestly, how cool that this is a medication that I don’t have to be on FOREVER and that my diagnosis wasn’t too hard this time.  He said EVERYTHING I’ve told him of my symptoms and feelings is sooooo common for IBS that he has no doubt.  WHAT???  I have something that was easy to diagnose.  It’s never happened that way before.  Almost felt like something wasn’t right.  With this new doctor’s help I have been feeling much better since.  The flare is not cured just yet and may never be where I want it but with his help, he has GREATLY CHANGED THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE.  I had NO IDEA how much my body was really suffering from this issue flaring up like it was.  NONE.  SO YAY ABOUT THAT.

SO AT SOME POINT THAT FIRST WEEK AFTER THANKSGIVING, a crazy switch went on in my head and I started feeling what I call HOLIDAY AFFECTIVE DISORDER.  Some call it SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER but I use Holiday instead because I start to really feel different and like the decorations have to be up, the gifts have to be bought, I need to bake, will I feel OK to do any special event and the list goes on and on and on.

SO AS MY HEAD STARTED ITS HOLIDAY CRAZINESS, the next thing I know, I FEEL AS IF THE FLOOR AND THE WORLD ARE BEING PULLED OUT FROM UNDER ME…Why you ask?  Well, the Private Long Term Disability Company that I was also getting assistance from, had been doing a two year review of my health and my case.  They bothered all of my doctors yet again with requests for records, files and very vague evaluations.  Oh and I had to fill out my own assessment form too.  My two years is actually not even up until January 29th, 2013 so isn’t that interesting.  BUT on November 21st, 2012 they decided that they would terminate my coverage and not tell me right away.  BECAUSE OF THIS LONG TERM DISABILITY COVERAGE that I had been paying for at my Old Employer for over ten years while I was still actually working, I was able to be covered by THE AWESOME HEALTHCARE PLAN of my Old Employer up to five years as long as this Disability Company said I was Disabled.  NOW THIS WAS NO SURPRISE that they terminated my Disability Coverage.  I had been warned from the beginning by the first Claim Manager I dealt with in that Company that at the two year mark it would be really hard to get coverage.  But see here’s the thing, I ONLY FOUND OUT because I got something really weird in the mail about how much they were paying me in November (it was much less) and no explanation for it.  So ME BEING ME, I called the Claim Manager to inquire about it.  THIS WAS THE LAST WEEK OF NOVEMBER 2012.  She got a bit tense and quiet and said that oh no, the mail must’ve been delayed for some reason and the two items sent in the wrong order or something but that my coverage had been terminated as of NOVEMBER 21ST.  That was the day before Thanksgiving.  I did my best to keep my cool with her on the phone and made sure she explained the Appeal Process but she really didn’t want to do that and then I got off the phone. 

I FREAKED OUT!

Well, of course I did.  First, I find out the hard way that I don’t have their coverage.  Then I KNOW THIS MEANS I’M LOSING REALLY AWESOME AND GREAT HEALTHCARE COVERAGE.  So, I called the Director of Benefits at my Old Employer and told her the situation.  I called her on NOVEMBER 28TH.  She told me she was very upset for me and for her department because this Disability Company had put US ALL in a bind.  WHY YOU ASK?  Well, ignoring the obvious reasons of this all sucked, it meant that my HEALTHCARE COVERAGE WITH MY OLD EMPLOYER WOULD HAVE TO BE TERMINATED BY THE END OF THE MONTH.  Yes, you understand.  NOVEMBER 30TH would be my last day of COVERAGE…

WHAT?!  NOW WHAT?!  FREAKAGE GALORE!  The Director of Benefits apologized to me for this situation, I told her how the Disability Company had handled it and told her some more personal things about what I was going through and she was appalled and said that she’d have to really look at their contract with this Company because there is something very wrong with the whole process…

YES, YES THERE IS…

AND YES I’M GOING TO APPEAL…when I can get myself together.

YOU SEE, here’s the thing.  This is how I know I’m being watched over by something–call it the Universe if you like.  Because Social Security had pulled their business with me together FINALLY, they had decided they would retro-cover me back to December 2010.  After two years of coverage, then I’d be eligible and automatically enrolled in MEDICARE.  So I had already received this stuff from Medicare, was having pride issues of being on Medicare at only 35 and having a hard time accepting it but during this state of panic about healthcare coverage that I can’t afford to live without due to my MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS AND LUPUS (hello, I CAN’T WORK EVEN IF I WANT TO RIGHT NOW–THEY DIDN’T JUST GET CURES AND GO AWAY), I managed to pull out the paperwork and see that I had MEDICARE COVERAGE AS OF DECEMBER 1ST for Parts A and B.  I could choose about Parts C and D.  What’s C?  I’m confused about that one and it’s not important.  What’s D?  Oh well, then funny you should ask.  That’s Prescription Coverage that I can opt into in Medicare if I decide to.

OK.  WELL THEN THAT WOULD’VE BEEN FINE AND DANDY WITH NOTICE…However, I had no notice.  Sure it was so miraculous to put it lightly that my OLD EMPLOYER HEALTHCARE COVERAGE ENDED ON NOVEMBER 30TH AND MY MEDICARE COVERAGE STARTED ON DECEMBER 1ST (no kidding there) but I had just had a conversation with the Director of Benefits at my Old Employer two weeks before (neither of us knowing my Disability Coverage would be terminated) and she told me not to worry about the Prescription Coverage Part D Part of Medicare because I could still get that coverage with the Old Employer Healthcare Coverage and all would be fine and dandy and so much cheaper and less dramatic…

BUT THEN I HAD NO HEALTHCARE COVERAGE BUT MEDICARE…

MORE FREAKAGE…I honestly could not even do ANYTHING about it all for at least a week.  I was COMPLETELY DEFLATED and at the end of my rope.  Well, sure there was rope but it was a very very thin thread and I refused to even pull at it or even grab hold.  I HAD HAD IT!

SO WHAT DID I DO YOU ASK?!  Well, I found myself suddenly making a hair appointment at a new salon that deals with curly hair (had been coloring my own hair purple for eight months at that time and hadn’t had it cut for eight months either and it needed to be taken care of badly), getting two new hair cuts (the first one didn’t fit me at all and well, I hadn’t had the coloring done just yet–only the consultation–so when I came in for the coloring appointment I had a big heart to heart with my stylist/artist about what I really needed to do with my hair for me at that time and she listened, understood and together we collaborated to cut my hair a lot shorter and get the purple I really wanted.), one of which (the final) will apparently be featured in their salon book because this Junior Stylist/Artist was being watched by the Senior Stylist/Artist and LOVED what we came up with and NEEDED TO GET A PICTURE RIGHT AWAY OF IT TO SHOW OFF TO EVERYONE AT THE SALON AND THEIR CLIENTS.  This guy also told me I was a true artist and it was so much more me.  Going through that whole experience is what I think I needed to find some of me at some point.  At least for the holidays.  I needed more oomph and acceptance of me because I felt so scared and defeated.

THEN: I GOT A CRASH COURSE IN MEDICARE–while still infuriated and hurt and disappointed and panicking about coverage.  Calls were made, notes were taken, website was looked at, advice was asked, and then an hour and a half on the phone with a company that may have handled the Prescription Coverage (the lady was so nice and patient) due to my long list of medications and BECAUSE my MS Medication is such a huge dramatic and EXPENSIVE pain in my butt and always has been in my over 10 years of diagnosis (10 years was December 2nd, 2002…so that was going through my mind too) and I’ve always had to jump through hoops to get it even with a PPO…Meanwhile, Corey was going through Open Enrollment for Benefits with his Company and he kept asking me if I wanted to be on his Plan and from what I could see, it looked and seemed to me like it would be more expensive but I guess I didn’t understand what I was looking at because at the last minute before he completed enrollment, he called me from his work and we went over every detail of the coverage if I was part of his plan and we ended up signing me up with his HEALTHCARE PLAN TOO!  SOOOO, AS OF TODAY, JANUARY 8TH, 2013 I still DON’T NEED MEDICARE PRESCRIPTION PLAN PART D yet….PHEW! 

OH AND I’M COVERED BY TWO DIFFERENT PLANS RIGHT NOW: COREY’S HEALTHCARE PLAN AND MEDICARE.  Can’t have asked for better coverage at this point.

BUT BOY WAS THE PROCESS ALL HELL.

OH AND SOMEWHERE IN THERE I started getting an upper respiratory/sinus infection and had to hurry to the doctor and be thrown on antibiotics to try to kill it right away because they don’t want to take any chances with me and my diseases and immune sensitivities so that was NO FUN.  But it made the infection go away and I’m grateful about that.

MEANWHILE, we celebrate Christmas and so Christmas was happening…Oh yeah.  That too.  I was doing pretty well at this point.  My body was handling everything very well.  I’D LIKE TO PUT A SHOUTOUT TO MY BODY AND THANK IT FOR ALL I PUT IT THROUGH FOR OVER A MONTH!  It let me do a lot of holiday things.  I even competed in a Cookie Swap Party and won 1ST PLACE with my special “Nahleen’s Special Snowball Snack Cookies” and was so touched and surprised to have won.  I’ve been making those since I was ten I think, so like twenty-five years…Crazy.  I feel old…But so cool to win.  I don’t think I’ve ever won first place for anything.  And you know what, it was a really nice Christmas.  I missed my loved ones back east big time this year but Corey, Cleo and I pulled off a pretty darn good one.  And things were starting to fall into place…

HOWEVER, THERE’S STILL SO MUCH TO DO with all this Healthcare Change stuff.  Gotta find out how to get my MS Medication (might I add that the Company who handles my MS Medication and the woman assigned to work with me to get it are absolutely WONDERFUL and I swear that woman is an Angel sent to help me–so sweet, so helpful, funny, knows more about my benefits than I do and so on) the right way although they’ve been sending it to me for no charge temporarily while it gets worked out–AMAZING!  I still need to change all my doctors over and let them know about my insurance situation.  I still need to change all my medications over to the new Prescription Plan.  It’s all new.  It’s all Change. 

CHANGE.

THEN NEW YEAR’S CAME AND HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013!  WE MADE IT! I had a great time with a friend watching Corey on Stage after he had been up for a bazillion hours because it was a One Day Play.  The writers had worked on it overnight, the actors and director showed up in the morning and they had to perform a play twice that night at 8pm and 10pm.  It was a crazy, funny play that left us all wondering what really just happened but it was great to take in the New Year with a laugh.  A friend of mine came with me and it was nice not to go alone too. 

MY BODY HUNG ON UNTIL JANUARY 2ND, 2013 and then CRASHED.

I woke up on January 2nd and my whole body felt inflamed.  It was like it was holding on for me as long as it could and when it felt safe, it let go.  I felt like I was on the verge of an MS Attack, a big Lupus Flare, and every symptom I ever felt ever was happening.  And if it didn’t happen that day it’s been making sure to still show itself today, January 8th.  I’m very fortunate to have a body that gives me lots of warning before it attacks.  If I listen to the warning and rest a lot than usually I can avoid any major action like being PUMPED WITH STEROIDS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 3 DAYS TO TREAT AN MS ATTACK, or who knows what would happen with the LUPUS and how all that would happen.  I am grateful because not everyone with MS or lupus has that “luxury”…

During this past week I’ve been thinking I’ve wanted to FINALLY write my 150th Blog Post Finally and to get it out but it’s been locked in.  I think I’m pulling a bit into my cocoon to protect myself and because I’ve had enough.  I have to lessen the amount of activity I do and everything has really had to come to a halt or what I consider a STOP and RECOVER.  The RECOVERY to me is taking too long of course and the anger has come back up.  I keep thinking about what I “SHOULD BE” doing or what I “HAVE TO BE” doing and that gets me into trouble.

There’s still so much to handle with the Appeal and cleaning up the healthcare mess, and still having less money and with life, like laundry and grocery shopping and paperwork and managing Cleo’s health, and trying to have a life, and not being able to exercise as much and and and and and—I COULD GO ON FOREVER…

BECAUSE: LIFE IS IN SESSION.  IT IS ALWAYS IN SESSION. 

BUT I WANT TO END ON A POSITIVE NOTE:  DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON, I HAVE TAKEN A WALK FOR OVER 250 DAYS AND I KEEP ON WALKING…

GO ME!  GO ME!  GO ME!

So now it’s time for OPERATION: NURTURE NAHLEEN.

What’s that you ask?  Well it really occurred to me yesterday that I’ve learned to LOVE myself quite a bit BUT I’m not nice about it.  I’m not COMPASSIONATE, NURTURING, GENTLE, UNDERSTANDING, CONSIDERATE OR EVEN RESPECTFUL about it.  I tend to be mean about it.  Sure I’ll do what I need to do for rest and I know this is the body I have and I’m learning to LOVE IT but what about LIKING IT.  IT’S ME.  It’s part of who I am.  If it were someone else going through all of this health stuff all the time I’d tell them to be nice to themselves and take it easy, to be gentle and get some rest.  HECK, even if they have sniffles I’m telling them to take care of themselves and I’m so loving about it.  DO I DO THAT WITH ME?!  NO.

SO NOW I WILL FINALLY STOP WRITING AND GET BACK TO:

OPERATION: NURTURE NAHLEEN

It won’t be easy.  It was much easier yesterday than today.  I’ve wanted to rebel today.  But I’m determined to work on it and I know that with practice it will become easier.  That it’s not about perfection but about progress…

***And I really want to thank all of you who have supported me, talked to me, listened to me, loved me, hugged me, smiled at me, accepted me and been there for me this whole time.  No one should have to go through anything ALONE and I was never ALONE nor did I feel ALONE.  We are all in this together and I really felt ALL OF YOU holding me up and together.

THANK YOU.

 

 

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Nahleen’s THANKITUDES!

THANKITUDES you ask?

Are you thankful and grateful?  Are you having a hard time choosing between one?  Do they come with “att-itudes” sometimes too?

SURE!

Let’s take a look at Nahleen’s Book of Nahleenism’s and oh look at that!  She’s just added a new word to her language: THANKITUDEFUL.  Definition: Feeling thankful, grateful, adding the attitude where necessary (or not–your choice).  Also can be written as THANKITUDES…

Quite often these days I find myself feeling thankful, grateful and full of attitude.  Sometimes I find myself feeling just one of those.  Is there a difference between thankful and grateful?  Hard to know really.  I think it depends on the day, who I am that day (I change a lot during the day don’t you?), what’s happening, how I’m feeling and whatever else affects my feelings.

So in light of the upcoming US Thanksgiving Holiday tomorrow, Thursday November 22, 2012, I wanted to share my festive version.

NAHLEEN’S THANKITUDES  (I spent too long trying to figure out if this was a one time only thing or if this could continue and well who cares right now?–I soon found myself not thankful or grateful and FULL OF ATTITUDE because of my own silliness soooo…)–without further ado:

 

AHEM…Let’s try again….no need to make it bold.  Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself…

 

NAHLEEN’S THANKITUDES:

1. I’m THANKITUDEFUL for ME.  Truly amazing to be feeling this way about myself.  This is a work in progress.  Quite often I wonder why I had to be born with such a messed up immune system and why my body had to be so sensitive…why it had to be full of what I conceive as inconveniences and the like.  I can’t stand that I have multiple sclerosis, lupus, probable IBS, food sensitivities like crazy, environmental sensitivities, sometimes asthma and I’m sure the list goes on and on.  And then there’s my crazy mind that beats me up, goes wacky like The Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil, is meaner to me than anyone else would be and sometimes abuses me.  Then again, I am so much more compassionate towards myself and realize that self care is a wonderful thing.  It helps me to stop, look, listen, pay attention.  These illnesses help me connect more and more with people, with nature and its amazing beauty, meditate and quiet my head, stay more in the moment, and learn who I really am and how to love me for me.  Honestly, I am finally LEARNING HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE.  It sucks that I had to/and still have to go through all of this to get there but I finally am understanding that it’s THANKITUDEFUL that I am for ME.  I’m all I have.  I don’t get to run away and no one else seems to run away from me so there must be some good qualities somewhere.

2. I’m THANKITUDEFUL for my husband, companion, best friend, partner in crime, silly, giggle-making, talented, supportive, compassionate and BIG TIME BRATTY PANTS, Corey Blake.  If you don’t know this guy, you’re missing out.  Standing almost 6 feet tall you’d think that if you’re short like me, you’d have to look up to him and would NEVER be on his level.  This is so not true.  This guy talks to all he encounters as if he is equal with them.  He has the most compassionate heart I know and he is obsessed (in a good way or at least I like to think that I tame that back as if I control him-ha!) with KITTIES!  If he had his way, he’d fill his life with so many kitties he wouldn’t be able to find himself.  He wants to be a kitty for goodness sakes.  As you can guess, our Cleo Kitty is in very good hands.  He is also incredibly funny and talented on the stage and if you haven’t seen him do his thang on the stage or in front of the camera than you are truly missing out on a miracle in action.  He absolutely lights up the stage.  He is my inspiration for getting out there and just doing it.  I myself can’t believe he would stay with me with all that goes on with me with my health but he has been there from THE BEGINNING.  We had only been dating for 2 weeks and my best friend kitty (my sister growing up) passed away and he was there while I grieved.  Only 3 months later my dearest bestest Nana in the entire world who I adored more than I can even describe passed away AND he was there…the ENTIRE WEEK AFTER.  We traveled across the country together to pursue our dreams in Los Angeles, CA from New Hampshire and Massachusetts.  We built our lives here and have just celebrated not only 15 years together as a couple, but 6 years married, 12 years with our dearest Cleo Kitty daughter and 13 years here in LA!  He was with me when I was diagnosed with MS almost exactly 10 years ago.  He was with me when I was diagnosed with lupus over 2 years ago.  And he stays.  He also proposed to me on Waikiki Beach at night at the edge of the ocean, with the moon glowing and the stars twinkling (just to give you an example)—so romantic.  We had the funnest wedding ever and kept it the way we wanted it with our own silly flare.  Thank goodness we laugh and keep it light.  Our conversations travel on the path of silliness, to snippy snappy (our version of fighting), to serious, to meaningful, to heartfelt, to honest, to feelings, back to me giggling so hard by something he said that I’m crying and can’t breathe.  Can you tell I love the guy?  Sure he drives me crazy (uh oh, he’s reading this and might be upset with me for saying this or worried) but that’s because we are the closest to each other and we need someone to drive us crazy.  Apparently none of us are perfect.  And I’m oh so sure I NEVER drive him crazy.  Nope.  Through our ups and downs and such great and amazing times, it is us.  We are a team and I am so THANKITUDEFUL for that.

3. I’m THANKITUDEFUL for my daughter kitty, my Cleo Kitty.  That little girl of mine (is not a little girl in kitty age that’s for sure) is so mature and wise.  She teaches me how to live in the moment.  How to take things as they come.  To stop and play and enjoy myself.  That life is about living in the moment.  She is my BEST KITTY FRIEND.  I adore her.  She was a stray who had clearly been domesticated at some point in her very young life when she was found and really just wanted to live inside and not have to deal with the crazy outside world anymore.  When we met her it was love at first site for both Corey and I BUT it was clearly love at first site between Corey and Cleo.  I was just the extra for a long time.  She’d put up with me in order to be with Corey.  She was smart.  She knew the deal.  Over the years we have built our own very special and connected relationship that warms my heart.  She is my best kitty friend, my health partner (she was diagnosed with cancer in December of last year–almost a year ago) and we take care of each other.  We take turns.  She really does watch over me and I try to do the same.  She understands A LOT of English and gets frustrated that we don’t understand Kitty Language but we’re definitely getting better at it.  She plays, she loves, she sleeps, she is our alarm clock, she looks for support in all areas when she’s not comfortable with something, she is our companion and we love her so.  She really has done well and we had only 2 close calls with her life in the past few months.  One was from trying a new medication but she pulled through in about 24 hours and the last was almost 2 weeks ago.  This one might have also been a medication reaction but in all fairness, she has cancer and a weaker body immune system and is very sensitive with digestive issues and with some breathing issues we’re still trying to narrow down.  I am truly THANKITUDEFUL to have her in my life still.  She’s decided she’s not done yet and we are doing our best to help her feel comfortable and happy and if anything she is still very happy.  Every moment more with her is a true blessing.

4. I’m THANKITUDEFUL for all living supporters on my path.  That includes you.  These living supporters are people (friends, family, people I connect with out in the world, Facebook people, online people, Twitter people, the people I small talk with all the time, my doctors, any people in any part of the medical world I continuously find myself in, anyone who helps me or who I can help), dogs, cats, plants, the earth and nature.  You name it.  I am serious.  Any living thing.  I believe we are all connected in some way.  That doesn’t mean we have to all love each other or even like each other.  However we are all here for each other.  We are all alive and giving feedback in some way.  And as a part of this, I LOVE PEOPLE.  I do.  PEOPLE ROCK!  Sure some of them are more likeable than others.  Some I may not even really want in my life BUT they are there for a reason.  We all have something to give.  We are all just us trying to be US.  That is it.  And yes at times we can all be jerks (yes, Nahleen’s ego–you too–I still don’t believe it), and truly unlikeable (of course Nahleen’s ego has no idea of what I’m talking about) but it’s true.  And so to get away from this silliness I just wrote, I look forward to more and more connecting.  It is what keeps me going.  I think connecting with people is one of my hobbies.  I am so THANKITUDEFUL for you all.

5. I’m THANKITUDEFUL for this Blog.  I feel like this is inconsequential since the other 4 items on this list are so personal and why would I just feel this way for a Blog?  Well, it helps me write which is something I believe I’ve been meant to do for a long time.  I just need to write.  Not sure what that means but this is my 141st Blog post so I guess that means something.  I had no idea my Blog would go this far.  I had no idea I’d have this much to write and oh so much more!  I had no idea that anyone would want to join me on my journey.  I didn’t think anyone would care (again, about my crazy mean mind sometimes as posted above).  I didn’t know that I’d even be silly and post about ’80s songs or post any pictures.  I just didn’t know.  Once I jumped in this time I was ready.  It was time.  Thank you for being there.  It is so cool for someone such as myself who has to spend so much time at home resting and taking care of myself in order to get through the day.  So much self care to do and most often this has been added to my list of things I NEED to do to survive.  Sometimes it’s taken off because I need to pace myself and just breathe.  It all really depends.  And you know what’s also so cool?  Hearing from you!  Getting comments on my posts has been one of the coolest aspects.  I just love it!  Thank you to so many of you for encouraging me along the way and even way before I could really commit to it.  You know who you are.  You rock!  I am so THANKITUDEFUL for this Blog of exploration, silliness and connection.  I can’t wait to see what the future holds for it!

 

So that’s that.  I think that’s enough for today.  I really needed to write this.  The nudge has been on me to write something like this for a few days now and maybe I can breathe a little easier knowing I got it out.

Thank you thank you thank you.

DO YOU HAVE ANY THANKITUDES you would like to share?  I’d love to read them!  I have a feeling we all would!

Take care all.  Will write soon I’m sure.

 

 

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Moments of Peace Part 18

Hey all.  It’s been awhile since I’ve posted my Moments of Peace.  Life’s certainly been happening and it’s been hard to focus.  Hope you’re all well.  Happy Friday!  Welcome to my new followers!  You are all neato!  By the way, I’m happy to report that I’m getting better and better with the help of heavy duty antibiotics to treat the small intestine bacterial infection that was taking over my torso.  Hopefully it stays that way.  I take my last antibiotic pill for it tomorrow morning.  Crossing my fingers for sure!

09/14/12 My view from the sun deck as day turns to night. ‘Tis the time of year for golden sunsets…and fires… It was mighty hot last Friday and some fires started a few miles north of us. The dark stuff you see along the horizon is smoke. Can’t help it. Smoke always makes for pretty sunsets.  Thankfully, the awesome firefighters were able to contain the fire.

09/15/12 My view on my walk in West LA as day turns to mostly night. Went on a pretty late walk and it was barely light out. I like these lamp posts.

09/15/12 My view from the sun deck as day turns to night. Love this glowing sunset. The colors were so deep and vivid. There’s still some lingering smoke from the nearby fire. And I always love to see the sparkling city lights.  Oh and might I add, it was 104 in West LA that day.  Quite a scorcher!

09/16/12 My view on my walk in West LA. It was still quite hot but not nearly as boiling as the day before. Corey “kicked” me out (nicely) because I was going crazy about whether Cleo Kitty was really ill or having a bad reaction to her meds or what and I had just had enough with the heat and my own health. Taking a walk DID help. I’ll admit it. Love these bottle brush trees. It’s cool to see the detail in this.

09/16/12 My view on my walk in West LA. This was another one I took on my walk to escape for a bit. Loving the pinks and just look at the intensity of the sun!

09/16/12 My view on my walk in West LA. Really like this one. Love catching the sun “peaking” through a palm tree. Again, the sun was so intense. It’s a wonder I didn’t melt while I was outside.

09/16/12 My view on my walk in West LA. I love these trees. They are really flourishing right now. It’s been more humid than usual and I’m guessing that’s the reason. Something about the way the light hits these trees really caught my eye and helped me calm down from all the stress. Plus I could hear the breeze through the leaves and that is one of my favorite things.

09/17/12 And then there’s my Cleo Kitty. She was so ill on Sunday. By Monday she was sooooooooo much better. It is a true miracle! She’s had a really great week and seems so happy to be alive! I almost forget about Sunday…

09/17/12 I love this little girl so much. Ignore my hair. I’m soooooo not ready for pictures in these. But what matters is my Cleo Kitty!

09/17/12 And just one more of her. I think the picture says it all. She is so special and a gift.

09/17/12 My view in West LA as day turns to night. Took this in a Whole Foods parking lot of all places. Thought I’d change the angle to put a new view on things. Love those glowing clouds.

09/17/12 My view in West LA as day turns to night. The sun’s peeking between the trees.

09/17/12 Here our Cleo Kitty is joining us for dinner. We try every night to make sure to pull up her chair so she can join us and she does quite often. She’d really like to eat what we’re eating too. It’s so good to see her back out in the world.

09/18/12 My view from the sun deck as day turns to night. Liking how the blues are blending with the golds.  Oh yeah.  And there’s a little sliver of a moon.  Can you find it?

09/19/12 My view from the sun deck as day turns to night. Why yes that’s a plane. I get to see planes fly by quite a bit when I’m on the sun deck as they fly in off the water from their U-turn to land at LAX. And can you find the moon again? It’s neat to get them both in the shot.

09/20/12 My view from my balcony as morning arrives. WELL HELLO there beautiful sky. Thank you for the gift.

09/20/12 My view from the sun deck as day turns to night. Love how the sky has a darkened hue around the moon as it takes over the sunset.

09/20/12 This one was so weird. Such an odd beauty. I thought I’d take a look inland from the sun deck as day turns to night (toward Hollywood) and I saw that the west side was covered in a very very light haze/fog.   The east side, however, wasn’t.  What we see here is the result of that.  See that bright building reflection to the left? The sun appears to be reflecting off the building and the haze/fog as if the building has a force field of some kind. Really neat. Never seen anything like it before.

And that wraps up a long awaited Moments of Peace!  I hope you all have a peaceful weekend!

Much love.

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Moments of Peace Part 10!!! SPECIAL CLEO KITTY EDITION!

I just had to share this with you!  Last night I had the most specialest wonderfulest neatest amazingest cuddle and peaceful time with our Cleo Kitty!

Ever since her diagnosis of cancer in December 2011 she has been extra lovey.  Actually, I think all three of us have become more lovey with each other and really pulled together as a family.  And Cleo Kitty is doing really well and very much alive and very much kicking these days!  She’s not only extra spunky but she is EXTRA affectionate most of the time and last night was a breathtaking example of our bonding.

She got on the table I was typing at and kept walking over my arms and in the way (OF COURSE!) trying to get my attention.  She has a habit of doing this and sometimes I’ve put my arms around her and held her and she’s put up with it but last night she not only let me hold her but she backed up into me, settled her butt on my arm and snuggled into me.  First there were no purrs but then they started too!!!

I lifted my arm away to let her know she was free if she wanted to be and she stayed right there.  It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had EVER!!!  Sooooo peaceful.  This Kitty knows how to love and she teaches me more and more!

Sooooo, as usual during times with Cleo I reached for my phone (to try to get some pics and at least share with Corey) and now that I have a nice fancy one, I could turn the camera so it was facing me (not as good quality but who cares when you can catch THE moment).  I didn’t care that my hair wasn’t done “right” or that I didn’t look that good.  This was about Cleo and I and capturing our time together if possible.  What came out of it is a very special photo shoot that brings me to tears every time I look at it.  I had no idea what her facial expression was and what touches me even more is how much love she is showing so willingly on her face and usually she looks a bit irritated at me for taking pictures.  This was not the case.  I wanted to share these special Moments of Peace with you all because our little loved ones with fur instead of hair have so much to teach us and soooo much love to share.  I love her soooo much!

06/24/12 Me and My Girl! #1  She was rubbing all over me.  This is one of my favorites!

06/24/12 Me and My Girl! #2 You can’t see much of me but it’s ok.

06/24/12 Me and My Girl! #3 She sat right up to my head snuggled and let me kiss her back.

06/24/12 Me and My Girl! #4 Not the best picture but I wanted to show that I was really holding her.

06/24/12 Me and My Girl! #5 This is my favorite one! I think the picture says it all.

Thank you Cleo Kitty for the Honor of being that close to you!!!  You are truly very very special!

Categories: Moments of Peace/Pictures | Tags: , , , , | 6 Comments

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