I don’t know about you but I have a lot of chatter going on in my head quite often. I’ve learned and been able to quiet it down a bit more but it’s amazing how loud it can get in there. My goodness. The things I say to myself. I used to be really mean to me and abusive and I realized that I didn’t like those bruises anymore, that I didn’t deserve them, so I have gotten in the practice of TRYING to take words and phrases out of my head that do me more harm than good.
“SHOULD.”
That word needs to be considered what is called a “bad” word. How often do I find myself “Should be” with the “Should be” because “Should be” is “Should be” and back and forth. It’s awful really. I set myself up on this pedestal and the expectations start. I expect more of myself than others expect of me. For goodness sakes. I mean I have multiple sclerosis and lupus and if I count what’s been happening the past few days, I’m also dealing with a sinus infection and have been sick from that.
ISN’T THAT ENOUGH?
Why does “should” even come into my Being. Why do I even let it in? I try so hard to take it out of my vocabulary. In fact, even writing this, I find myself wanting to write the word “should” in a sentence over and over again. But it always gets me into trouble.
If I act on the “Should Be”s then I am only going to get tense and stressed out if and when I can’t follow through. This became very clear to me again this evening when after a long day of crunching numbers, some rest, taking medications, taking care of my sickies, taking care of my Cleo Kitty, taking a lovely walk in the fresh cool air as the sun set, spending time with Corey and just living my life I found myself playing the “Should be” game.
ONLY IT ISN’T A GAME.
It’s always more serious and it is never fun. It says I’m not enough. It says that I’m not doing enough. I’m not good enough.
Well I have news for me.
THAT’S NOT TRUE. I AM ENOUGH.
SO NO MORE “SHOULD”.
And when I say it again to myself I gotta try not to be too hard myself about it and just try to stop myself and either reword it, trust that all is as it should be and/or tell those words in my head to go away. That they are no longer welcome.
As I said before, I’m getting better at it, at keeping the “Should”s away but it is very hard.
Since I didn’t act much on the “Should be”s today I am relieved to say that I am a bit better from the sickies. I’m also feeling a bit loopy and strange from the antibiotics and the mucinex but I’m not feeling sicker and more miserable so that is a plus.
Progress is a good thing.
I think I’ll write to the people who write the updated dictionary every year or however often they update it and tell them to take the word “should” out. What I do know is that in the Book of Nahleenisms, “should” is not included. In fact, the word no longer exists…
Nahleen.com: On the Inside Looking Out 