Posts Tagged With: music

Diagnosis Part 5: MRI

I looked back on the last time I wrote a part of the “Diagnosis” story of my life and saw that it was on 05/17/12. It has been over a year since I wrote about the story of my diagnosis. That is how painful and hard my story is and how excruciating this next chapter is.  I had to be so ready to write it that I was bursting at the seams! Lately I have found it very challenging to come up with the words. I am a writer with too many words and no words. I truly believe there are not enough words in the English language to describe so much of what I’ve been through.


As you can tell from the title, my focus will be the first MRI that changed my life. THE MRI.

Here goes. I know you’re all here with me so I’m going to jump in. I can already feel the adrenaline of anxiety rushing throughout my body. The emotions are rising to the top. Those really really hard emotions. I can do this.

It’s November 2002. I’m 25 at what I believe is supposed to have been the Prime of my life. Or at least I “believed” it was supposed to be. I gotta admit, if that year was the Prime of my life then I’d have nothing to hope for. That year my family had decided to have a family reunion of sorts with my Mother’s side of the family for Thanksgiving. We were all going to meet at my Grandpa’s up north in Monterey, CA and it was going to be a grand ole time! My sister had planned on visiting me in LA for the first time the week before Thanksgiving and we were supposed to hang out and cause some trouble before the family shenanigans started.

Looking back I’m not sure what I was thinking when I scheduled my first MRI to be at night on the first night my sister was visiting. I mean, I know why I scheduled it at night. I had to work during the day. My sister and I met at a small mall for lunch and she was going to hang out for awhile before I could get out of work. I was scared that day but on top of the world. I can remember feeling so proud and so “up”. My sister was visiting MY WORLD. I was going to show her MY WORLD. I had seen HER WORLD before in the past but this was mine. She’s older and I was so proud to show her LA, to show her I was “making it” out here. Still not sure what “making it” means but I digress. I can remember walking down the sidewalk at this mall and looking for her and thinking it was a pretty day and oh by the way, I had lost almost 50 pounds so I couldn’t wait for her to see that too. Weight has always been a challenge for all of us in the family so the idea that I could even lose 50 pounds was AMAZING!

Anyway, we met up, had lunch, I took her on a tour of my workplace and I was so so proud to do that. Look Lori, I work at a television station! I’m really starting to do what I came out here to do! Those were the thoughts in my head. Isn’t it weird how we can bring ourselves back to our past mindsets and know they’re familiar but almost not recognize them? That was over 10 years ago. I have been through so much since then. My mind even feels different.

I don’t remember much until I showed up at the hospital in Burbank with Corey and Lori and had to fill out the paperwork. Actually, much of that is a blur. I was so nervous. I’m sure I had decided to just have the MRI then because I had to wait weeks for my HMO at the time to process all the red tape to even approve an MRI for me so I just wanted to get it over with. Plus I had had sooooo many medical tests by then that had come up with NOTHING that I might as well get this done. If I didn’t do it then then I’d have to wait till after Thanksgiving. On a side thought, I wonder if that would’ve changed much of the course of events?

I then remember being called by a lady to “Come on in and we’ll get you started” and she lead me through white hallways. Please tell me, why must all hospital hallways be white or yellow? Why can’t they be calming colors or fun colors? And I know they’re supposed to be sterile but some decoration of some sort would be nice. And about the fluorescent lights…PLEASE GET RID OF THEM!

So the next thing I know I’m being sat down at a small table to the side in the middle of the hallway it feels like (at this point I was so not used to being in a medical fishbowl and everything felt like it had to be a secret and why were we sitting in public–even though no one was really walking by or anything) and this nice lady with long dark hair (blurred out everything else) sat me down, pulled out a pile of paperwork and a pen and proceeded to ask me questions I could not answer. That was the first day/night I ever heard about fibromyalgia. The who the what now? That was the first day/night I ever heard I could have symptoms of fatigue and that they were real. That was the first time ANYONE had ever asked me if I felt any real pain and where and did I have any other autoimmune diseases? What are those? Why was she bringing them up to me? That was the first time for so many things. I think I was a medical virgin or something. It was all so surreal.

Back then, the MRI machines (this was only 10 years ago) were very different than they are now. They were long tubes and they were dark and they were skinny. Here’s my thing. I was so much skinnier and yet I felt cramped in there. How could anyone bigger than me fit in there at all? I don’t remember much of the process just yet but I know I was hardly wearing anything. I had to take off all metal, all jewelry, my bra with the metal underwire, my pants with even a hint of a metal button (don’t think the button was metal actually). To be honest I can distinctly tell you what I was wearing that day. So weird. So much of it is a blur but what I was wearing is clear as a bell still to me. I was wearing my favorite navy blue long sleeve button down shirt that I had just bought in a size smaller due to my weight loss and I was so proud of me and of it. I was also wearing khakis that I don’t think I’d be wearing now. Not that I’d even fit in these clothes now but still. At the time I was wearing contacts so I didn’t have to worry about not seeing and feeling vulnerable that way and I had to wear a very thin white hospital gown. I felt so vulnerable and I also knew I was claustrophobic but I didn’t know how much because luckily I had never been put in that situation before.

These days I have had much better experiences with MRIs. I usually have one a year. I believe I’ve had at least 15 MRIs but if I count any that have been done in a row in the same session (meaning 4 in a row with all kinds of machinery and equipment locking me down and in and not being able to move for OVER 2 HOURS) I’d say it’s close to 20 by now. Each time they’re different. Fortunately, the technology is so much better and the MRIs I have had have been shorter, a bit wider, some of them have music and I don’t have to take off much of anything. The ONLY thing I usually have to take off is my bra still but that’s it. Why? Because they are usually only interested in my brain to see where lesions are for MS. Why did I have 4 in a row once? Well I was at USC where they have state of the art equipment and my MS Specialist Neurologist at the time wanted a whole picture of me. The technicians usually ask me if I want to take a mood enhancer drug of some sort to help me not care about the experience and I have told them No. I like being with it afterwards. Then again, if I EVER have to do such extensive MRI tests AGAIN that make me stay in one position for 2 hours then I will have to take a drug. I WILL NOT DO THAT AGAIN COMPLETELY CONSCIOUS. I was in so much pain from not moving and I was told that if I moved even a little bit then they’d have to start over. Plus it can be extremely hard to get my head out of the “tunnel mode” and back into the big wide world with no tubes enclosing me. Oh and I have had an Open MRI before but to me it was worse because there’s no tube BUT it’s like they put you inside a sandwich of a top and bottom of a machine and you can see out the sides but it’s not like you can move your head to see them and all I kept thinking about was how it was going to crush me or the machine would eat me or something. But I digress.

You know, A LOT of people knew what was going on with me at that point and a bunch of them had had MRIs before and they all had different ideas of what they were like and some told me that they were awful and some told me that they were easy and so on…However I will tell you this, if you have never had an MRI before I will not tell you what it’s like for you. I will only tell you what it was like for me if you ask. I will however tell you that I’m sorry you have to go through that and wish you all the best. My experience was different than that of anyone else who told me what their experience was like. In fact it was so unique and traumatic that it’s so hard getting over it still which is why it’s so important for me to share with all of you what happened and to get it out.

Anyway, when the paperwork was finally done and I already was so nervous my heart must’ve been beating out of my chest at that point and I was in the paper thin white gown, I was lead into the room with the MRI. I remember the room being a yucky yellow and I saw this big machine and a little circular opening into darkness was there. I knew right away this was the MRI. It’s fight or flight right? My head was running away so fast yet my body stayed put. I’m sure I tensed up all over the place. I’m sure my breathing was labored. But I toughed it out. I could do this. Oh yeah and the room was cold because the machine could overheat fast. Plus it was already so so loud in there just from the monster machine. So they had me lay down on the thin flat cold table and locked my head in telling me not to move it. They put earplugs in my ears or headphones on (don’t remember), asked me if I was OK–UM does anyone see the logic in this? I still have technicians doing that with me. They block my ears and lock my head in so I can’t turn and can barely interact and then they ask if I’m OK. WHAT????? Did you say something? My instinct is to move my head. And then panic, oh wait I can’t. GEEZUM! Someone’s gotta tell them that makes no sense. Perhaps walking us through some hand signs would be helpful or something. Eye contact with me directly over where my head is locked in would be good too.

The next thing I know the table starts moving and I’m sent into the dark tube. The tube I could barely fit in. And they kept sending me into the darkness. Oh thank goodness the MRI machines I go in now are white and have a lot of light. I kept trying to remember what my Rheumatologist had told me. Look straight up and you’ll see a mirror that reflects the window to the room where the technicians are. Look at them if you need to. She reminded me that I’m not stuck in there. I could slide out if I wanted to. However all I could picture was panicking and trying to sit up and knocking myself out because I’d hit my head on the head cage or the tube or both. She told me I could wiggle my fingers if I crossed them on my stomach (really not too comfortable for all that time) and I could see them in the mirror so I’d be aware that I hadn’t detached from my body somehow. However, I was still sooooo scared to move. I didn’t want to have to do this over again. I just wanted it done with.

Meanwhile I’m aware that Corey and Lori are in the Waiting Room. I think it was in that dark long squished tube where I got a glimpse of how vulnerable I really was. I was locked in. I was taken away from my people. Yes I had watched too many movies, TV shows and read too many books but I’m not convinced “weird” stuff doesn’t happen. How do I know? I started thinking about how they were looking at my brain. I started thinking about how I had a brain. Hey, I really had a brain! What were Corey and Lori doing? Wow, this machine is really loud even with my ears blocked. Oh my goodness I have an itch on my nose. How much can I wiggle my fingers? Can I move my feet at all? Doesn’t any movement of my body move the rest of it? As I looked in the mirror into the other room, I wondered, how I had not seen that room when I came in? Where was it? What were they seeing? Why were there so many people in the room? Dang it! Breathe! Oh my goodness I’m in a dark long tube! How long has it been? Why aren’t they talking to me? Can they please not talk to me? Can they please not tell me how much longer? Wait why is it so silent? What do the sounds mean? What does my brain look like? Oh my goodness this tube is long. I hope there’s not a monster just waiting to grab my head in the part of the tube I didn’t enter. Why am I so far in? Didn’t Dr. S say I wouldn’t be pulled all the way in? Uh oh. Why the silence? That’s a long silence. I can do this.  Really I can. Uh huh. I got this. Soon enough it’ll be over and I’ll be on my way and Lori and I can have our visit. Why is it taking so long? Or has it been long? I’m feeling cramped. I’m so hungry! UM DID THEY FORGET ME? Why does this machine vibrate too? No one told me about that part? WHAT IF THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG WITH ME? WHAT IF I HAVE MS? The mind loop was endless and I worked so hard not to get worked up that I was so stuck in my head. Did I have a body anymore?

So then I feel the table start sliding me out. I must be done. OK. I can do this. Phew! I’m done! Wait, that long haired lady is back and she has a serious look on her face. Does she have a serious look on her face? What is she doing? Shouldn’t she be pulling me out? I’ll ask her. Where’s my voice? Why can’t I say anything? Did I forget how to talk? Can I move? AM I DONE? What is she doing with that needle? WHAT’S HAPPENING?! No. No more needles. I’ve had enough needles and blood taken from me in the past 6 months. (Little did I know it was only the BEGINNING…).

I really don’t know if she told me she was putting “Contrast/Dye” into my veins. I just remember thinking that I felt like a specimen and some kind of experiment. I must be a part of a horror movie right now. Wait! I don’t remember being told I’d have this done. Why is it happening? She asked me what arm was best for veins and I told her I wasn’t sure. So she just tried. (I now know it’s my left arm just on the outside. Otherwise, my veins hide and don’t like being bothered. They’re busy.) OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! The shooting pain was abominable. I was strapped down. I think I jerked and she tried to hold me down and apologized and said she had missed it and would have to try again. I asked her what she was doing anyway I think finally and she said she thinks they might have seen something (ummmm not a good idea to tell me this and aren’t they supposed to keep their mouths shut?) and so they are putting ink in my veins to find out.



OH MY GOD! WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?! SOMETHING WRONG? WHAT DO I DO? I can’t have something wrong with me. My sister’s here. I’m supposed to be tough for her. I’m not supposed to show any weakness. And then she moved to the other arm. Yes, I’m still locked in. I have a ridiculous force of will to stay in one place because honestly my head had me sprinting out of there so fast and yelling and screaming down the hallways. GET ME OUT OF THERE!

And something in my head told me to try to calm down. Let’s just get this over with. It may be nothing. They had told me that before during this journey of finding out what’s wrong with me. They thought they saw something and I’d freak and worry and lose my mind and then I’d found out it was nothing or that oh so fun medical word, “inconclusive”. Oh the things I could do with that word…

So she tries my other arm and she just couldn’t get the vein. She didn’t just stab me this time but squeezed my arm so tight and had me clenching fists and FINALLY I think she got it. Meanwhile, the other arm was still screaming. She had gotten the ink in my muscle. Who knows what that did to me. I still wonder. Before she sent my head into that dark tube she asked me if I had anyone there with me  in the Waiting Room and I told her yes and who they were. She said she’d tell them it was taking longer than expected.

So she says, OK, this shouldn’t take too much longer and she sent me back into that dark tube abyss…to be in my own head…to freak out…to be so horrified and think I was living in a nightmare…Did anyone really tell Corey and Lori why it was taking so long? What did they say? Did they know more than me? A part of me knew, I KNEW, that something was really wrong with me. What it was was terrifying me. The possibilities were endless. Would I find out right away? Would I have to wait forever to find out? What now? This should be done with me! I want out! Get me out of here! I was clearly wound up with so much stress I could barely stand it. I don’t know how I did actually. I guess a survival instinct took over. I was so worried about what Corey and Lori were thinking and that this shouldn’t have had to happen while she was here and now what and my head just kept exploding with crazy thoughts.




I had tensed up so much I could hardly move. I was so in my head I could barely function. This time the person taking me out was a blonde older woman with curly hair and glasses and she looked directly over me where my head was and I’ll never forget her eyes and the way they looked at me and kept staring at me as she unhooked my head and loosened it all up around me.



I still have those eyes of her’s so stuck in my memory that I don’t think they’ll ever come out. So as I’m still laying there and I now have my ears clear, she asks me all kinds of questions. How am I feeling? What are my symptoms? When did they start? Do I have anyone here with me now? And I can hardly talk. I try to sit up really quick and I almost fall off the table I’m so dizzy and out of it. I’m so traumatized. I’m 25. I’m invincible remember?

I also was incredibly tense with MS and didn’t know and probably lupus and didn’t know that for so many more years after that that it’s a wonder I didn’t have a major attack/exacerbation/flare right there on the table or in that room. She kept those “You are going to DIE eyes on me the whole time.” I felt violated and so alone. I just wanted to get out of there. And in that same tone with those eyes, she said, “Now I need you to call your doctor right away in the morning. It’s too late now because you’ve been in here so long.”–Oh it wasn’t just me thinking it was long? It REALLY was that long? Poor Corey and Lori! I was so used to trying to please everyone and entertain everyone that I couldn’t be anything but that strong person. How was I going to show myself? I didn’t even know what they had said to them. They must be so worried.

So I tried to sit up and that wasn’t happening very well. I almost fell off the table. I had “freaked out dark tunnel scared to death” head. Horrifying. Why didn’t I wake up yet? Worst nightmare ever. Especially those “death” eyes of her’s. She caught me as I teetered to the side and held me upright and still looked at me as if I was going to DIE right there on her. I wish I could be exaggerating here about how she was looking at me but to this day with everything else I’ve been through, I have yet to see “THOSE DEATH EYES” on anyone else. So she told me to just sit there for a bit and she’d go out into the Waiting Room and tell Corey and Lori I was done and coming out soon. She came back in and asked me if I was OK getting up.


And I jumped up. Ooops. I stumbled and almost fell. Get me away from this woman please! She’s scaring me! Where was my voice? Did I even know how to talk? I had hidden me away somewhere deep into my brain. I was protecting me. I think I was a shell at that point. So upon seeing that I’m stumbling and clearly my legs are jello she tells me I’m going to have to ride in a wheelchair out into the Waiting Room and she’d be back.


I think I mumbled to please not do that but if she heard me she ignored me. All the while those “death” eyes on me as much as possible. I’m surprised she left me alone at all.

So she helped me a little too much into the wheelchair. By that time I had more of my bearings and was entering my body a little bit more from my hiding place in my head and I gave her a look like, “I GOT IT!” and forced myself into that chair. And then horrified, I was wheeled into the very bright Waiting Room where I saw Corey and Lori. As she’s rolling me she’s on a constant loop of telling me to call my doctor and not to ignore it and it was very important and when I finally found a voice to ask her what was wrong she told me she couldn’t tell me but that it was so very important and oh my goodness.

I was mortified that Corey and Lori would see me in a wheelchair because I mean really, I had only had an MRI. I was fine. I could walk. What the heck? I couldn’t look weak. I got this. Really. So still struggling to find my words, I try to get up out of the wheelchair ASAP and that blonde woman was STILL THERE! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! DON’T TALK TO THEM! I HEARD YOU! I’M RIGHT HERE!

“Please make sure you talk to her doctor tomorrow OK. It’s so very important. You really need to do that. You can’t waste any time.”–as if I’m not there and I’m not understanding what she means and she gave them those same “death” eyes.



So she walks away and Corey and Lori are looking at me like I need to be treated with gentle hands. That’s what I felt like. Now I know they were looking at me like they were concerned and worried and they were allowed to be. They got those same EYES from that woman that I did about me. Scary! So as I start bawling and Corey’s telling me it’s OK and I can stay in the wheelchair as long as I need to and ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT WHEELCHAIR! I CAN WALK! I CAN GET UP ON MY OWN! LET ME!

I still had a bit of a hard time talking especially with the crying and finally he understood that I wanted to get OUT OF THAT FRIGGIN’ WHEELCHAIR and into a regular chair and I wanted to throw that wheelchair as far away from me as possible. Somehow FINALLY I found my way into a regular chair and I bawled and bawled. I think I left a piece of me in that MRI room. I lost a lot of innocence that day. I found out I was mortal. I found out I wasn’t invincible.

I was human.


We sat in that Waiting Room for a long time while I regathered myself a little bit more. When I look back on that night I think about how Lori was there and Corey was there. I wasn’t alone. That was no mistake. That was why I had scheduled the MRI for that night. I needed my Sister. Corey needed my Sister too I think. My Sister and I were still struggling with our relationship then and I had to be me with her the next few days. ME. And that was OK.

And one side note: I’m not surprised I couldn’t stand that wheelchair. It turns out I get very dizzy in them or I used to even up to a year and a half ago. I don’t know about now and I’m very fortunate not to know. I’m so grateful I can still walk. It’s weird. I’m OK with others in wheelchairs (well as OK as I can be considering these people are having a hard time in some way) but I felt like I couldn’t be in one. However, I now know that it’s hospital protocol. The last thing they want is me falling on their watch because uh oh I might sue. Oh poor things…

That’s it for now. I’m glad I got it out. As you can tell, I didn’t DIE. I haven’t DIED  yet. I don’t plan on dying anytime soon. I’m too busy living.

And what happened after that?

ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! So much so that I need to recover from this post in order to write another one. I hope it doesn’t take me over a year because I think it’s ready to come out and I can tell already that I’m more healed from finally writing this.

Therapists have now told me that I am still suffering a bit from PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from just that one experience and that there are separate episodes to work through too all connected with this one. I believe it. I wish there had been enough sensitivity at the time to really see what I was going through. I feel it in my heart that we all need to see Therapists at some point in our lives but when going through such trauma as medical tests and the limbo part before diagnosis and then the diagnosis of the Chronic Illness along with maintenance care throughout–we should be REQUIRED to see a Therapist. To not talk about it is poison and can only make our health worse.

Medical Journey Trauma (I think I just came up with a new term) is REAL. And we all deserve to talk about it, process it and move on with our lives.

Oh and how do I feel about MRIs these days????


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JUST DANCE!…and while you’re at it play the bongos and tambourine…

The past few days have been really hard and intense for me and I find I start to tighten up inside and clench up all my muscles which of course leads to flared MS and lupus symptoms and probably some signs of IBS…If I’m not careful I become a hard ball of dried up goo.  You know the goo I’m talking about.  Not the good goo.  Wait.  Is there even good goo?  What is good goo?  Why am I stuck on what goo is?


Thankfully my head has been clear enough to remind me to DANCE!




I used to think that because I “felt” like I had no rhythm I couldn’t/shouldn’t dance…that because I “wasn’t” coordinated I couldn’t/shouldn’t dance…that moving my body in any way “wasn’t” dancing because I “thought” I wasn’t a good enough dancer…






Can’t move very well?  Well I bet there’s a part of you that can move a little.  Perhaps it’s your pinky finger.  Well then MOVE IT!

Why don’t you try it now?  Really.  Take a moment.  It’s always good to pause and take a moment.  Come on.  It’s only a moment.  One little moment.  Now MOVE something.

How’d it feel?

You don’t know.  WELL MOVE SOME MORE.

TURN ON SOME MUSIC AND BOUNCE AROUND.  You’re probably at home and reading this and thinking I’m wacky.  Yes I am.  Try it.  Loosen up that body.  No BODY should be sitting around at a computer all day anyway.  It’s OK.  You can get up from reading this and try it.  And even if you’re not at home, tap that foot wherever you are, stretch those fingers out, tap those fingers, move your head from side to side, hit your side with our hand, stretch out your toes and if you do it enough someone else near you might do the same thing and before you know it it’s become a THING!


A couple of years ago I was in this health self care support group thingie (so fancy with my wording aren’t I?) and one of the meditations we tried was “Shaking Meditation” and/or “Dance Meditation” and it MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD FOR ME.  You see, I hold it all in before I let it all out.  CRAZY I KNOW.  Tell me.  I’m working really hard these days on letting it out.  It will eat me up and I will feel crappy.  Sure my body might feel crappy from moving, but something in me will feel relieved.  My head might feel lighter.  The endorphins will have gotten moving for the first time in Ages and may even be yawning themselves because of the fatigue from my MS or lupus or you name it but I bet I’ll feel mentally brighter after they wake up again!  There will be some relief somewhere.  I might even be breathing consciously again and realizing I’ve been holding my breath or something ridiculous like that.



So today what did I do to help my body and mind?  Not only did I take my walk and do my Physical Therapy but I also danced, played my new bongos and played my tambourine!


I WENT ALL OUT TODAY and you know what?


My mood is better, my body feels looser and I don’t feel so clenched and tight inside.


Sooooo, now I have more self care items to add to my list.  More dancing, more bongo playing and more tambourine playing.  Turns out that with looser wrists (thank you recovery) it’s easier to play the tambourine and it sounded a lot better.

Oh and the best part is:





And if you get a chance, let me know how you feel and leave a comment.  I’d love to hear your feedback.




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Just posted this on Facebook as my status and thought it was a GREAT BLOG RANT FOR TODAY!  Look at what I get to do tomorrow…GOOD TIMES!
“So I have to do a strange test first thing tomorrow morning for at least 3 hours called the Hydrogen Breathing Test. They’re going to be giving me things to ingest (great–something tells me it won’t be yummy) and have me blow into a balloon-like thingie to see how my digestive system reacts… Oh goody. Something tells me I may not be feeling too good from this. And I’ve also been doing a strange type of prep diet for it that makes me feel both full and hungry at the same time. Glad to be able to eat but so bizarre. Leave it to me to have to do weird tests and do weird things to see if I can find out what’s going on in my body. Soooo, I’ll be bringing books and music and posting a lot on FB I’m sure with my phone even though they don’t have WiFi–which reminds me to bring a charger… So that means I can’t really watch anything because my IPad doesn’t have WiFi but oh well. I’m told I’ll be doing this test with a small group of people. I hope they’re OK to hang out with that long or it could be even more fun! So yeah. That’s what I’ve been preparing for all week. Please if you can, send along some good vibes. I can’t eat or drink ANYTHING after 8:30pm tonight because I need 12 hours of no ingestion and the tests starts at 8:30am. NO WATER?! BUT I LIKE WATER! I’m ALLOWED to brush my teeth and rinse thoroughly in the morning BUT THAT IS IT. Sooooo, I won’t be able to eat or take any meds (but WHAT THEY GIVE ME–ACK!) till at least 12pm tomorrow if I’m lucky…OY!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY, I HAVE NOTHING ELSE PLANNED AFTER THE TEST EXCEPT TRYING TO EAT IF MY BELLY IS NOT TOO MESSED UP FROM WHAT THEY’VE GIVEN ME AND TAKING MY MEDS SO I CAN FEEL MORE LIKE ME AGAIN…OH AND RESTING SHOULD BE GOOD TOO…Will be glad when it’s over that’s for sure.—And this is all happening when my digestive system is starting to settle down again…OF COURSE! TIMING IS EVERYTHING RIGHT!?”
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Song Writer?!

Lately I’ve been waking up with song lyrics in my head. These are new song lyrics. And I can hear the music and the singer! It’s just bits and pieces but it’s there. A couple of times I’ve woken up in the middle night and thought I’d remember it in the morning and I haven’t…OF COURSE.


That’s why they say to leave paper and pen near your bed. OBVIOUSLY. I mean, I gotta be realistic.

This has been happening for the past few months off and on. For awhile I was given inspiration almost every night and I’d wake up and clamber around for the pen and paper I FINALLY put near my bed, and while half asleep I’d write down my latest creative gift. I’d throw on my glasses (I’m so blind) and try to write while lying in bed half conscious and hope I could read my writing in the morning. The only light I have is the light from my clock. I’d turn on a light but I don’t want to wake Corey and well, I’ll admit, the lamp near my bed’s not working. Yes, I know. Silly Nahleen get your lamp fixed, but it just hasn’t been a priority. Except maybe now it is…

Soooooo, the question is, am I a SONG WRITER?!!!!

Never (never say never) in a bazillion years would I EVER have thought I’d be a song writer. I didn’t think I was “clever” enough or something ridiculous. Honestly it never occurred to me that I would be.

But now I think, why not? I mean, I’m a writer. I’ve written poetry before. The world is wide open to me. The possibilities are endless. (And then my head goes in the fantasy direction and pictures myself having this glorious career in music and all is well…oh the fairy tales.)


Isn’t that really the point????

I’m sure that’s why the lyrics come to me in my dreams. That way maybe I’ll accept them for what they are and they haven’t passed all the Nahleen barriers…

So today I woke up with more song lyrics, the voice and the music in my head. These words are sticking with me big time. I wrote them down and then (GASP!), I recorded myself singing them on my phone. SSSHHHH don’t tell anyone. SCARY! And then I found myself asking my husband to help me record it on our computer. Weird.


Am I a song writer?!

These lyrics were so profound to me this morning that I feel the need to share them with you:

“Do what you need
It will all work out.”–Nahleen Blake Copyright 2012 (ha!)

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It’s An ’80s Kind of Day Part 5

Woo hoo!  This will be my 5th post about the awesome music of the ’80s!  I’m needing some fun today so let’s get on with it!

1. Alone By: Heart

OK.  Seriously.  Who doesn’t love Heart?  They are awesome!  I absolutely love this song!  I remember our cool bus driver putting a Heart cassette tape (yes, cassette tape–great quality of course) in the bus radio (someone must’ve requested she play it) and singing, no BELTING out the songs with other gals on the bus.  Not sure what the boys were up to but we gals thought we were pretty darn cool.  Video: Already loving the puffy curly blonde hair in the first shot.  The dark-haired singer is so pretty.  Also love her puffy curly dark hair.  They are sisters right?  And still going strong I believe.  OK, first of all I can’t help but chuckle at her standing on a balcony or something singing but to then see her with the black netting stuff over her face is too much.  What?  And now she’s on the big screen?  Where’d she go?  Uh oh.  Did the piano explode?  Oh my.  Listen to that great harmony (speaking sincerely).  Somebody needs to clean that room with all the curtains.  Looks like the whole band has big hair.  Of course they do.  Tee hee.  The three with their big puffy blonde hair show up in the darkness at the end.  Those gals were pretty darn tough huh?  And will somebody please tell them FINALLY “How do I get you alone?”

2. Tell Her About It By: Billy Joel

OH this song still haunts me.  You know how you have those memories you can’t shake?  I remember being 15 and at a Birthday party with a boy who supposedly LIKED me and all my friends were there.  This song came on and the boy still hadn’t “ASKED ME OUT” yet and my friends kept hinting and singing the song at us to try to give him the hint.  Hmm.  Well he did tell me about it later that night.  He was my first serious boyfriend.  The funny thing is that this party was in the ’90s and that song was playing.  Awesome.  Video: OK so we apparently have gone back in time?  And Billy comes out wearing a white suit jacket with white shoes to match and dark glasses.  Except to be ’80s style he’s wearing a red tie.  And then we see behind the scenes and it looks like that guy’s gonna make the moves on that gal in the control room.  Get it?  And I can’t help it but is that food on the equipment?  My old employer would’ve had our heads!  Anyway, wow, that audience is in sync with their swaying.  OK even the band is swaying.  Gotta love the back up singers.  And look at all the stars in this video!  And then we see a whole montage of people reacting to the music.  What’s with the kids swaying too?  I think I’m gonna get seasick watching the audience.  ACK!  Wait what?  Did Billy Joel leave the stage and go out into the real world?  He just left his band on the stage?  And now he’s breaking into people’s homes and singing to them?  Love the newspaper headline.  And then he delivers pizza to the gals slumber party?  He sure does get around.  OK.  This song is long.  Good thing it’s catchy.  And will you just “tell her about it”?  PLEASE!  What the?  The astronaut and the big scary bear thing.  What on earth?

3. Toy Soldiers By: Martika

She was basically a One Hit Wonder huh?  Really loved this song back then.  I think I sang it on the beach a couple of times.  Must’ve been thinking I was making my own video I guess.  She really cared right?  I thought it was so deep and listening to it now I still think it kinda is.  Video: VERY DRAMATIC.  So this was in 1989–on the cusp of the ’90s when big hair WAS SO NOT IN.  HAIR IN THE FACE AND EYES WAS IN–ESPECIALLY ON ONE SIDE COVERING ONE EYE.  The kids singing are pretty haunting.  Boy was she singing melodramatically to the camera in a lot of this when it’s not showing her with that guy.   OK.  That video effect: are we supposed to be seeing her sing through the rain?  Strange.  Anyone know if she really did lose someone to drugs or was she just making a hip anti-drug statement?  Or both?  Hmm.  Another long song.  A little too embellishing I think.  Actually, the video is too long but I never thought the song was.  Interesting.  So was he supposed to be the bad guy she got involved with?  And what is with that horrible wig she’s wearing when she’s I’m guess in high school?

4. White Wedding By: Billy Idol

Another Billy for my list today huh?  “It’s a nice day for a white wedding” he sings that line quite a bit in this song.  That might be all I remember from it.  He was pretty cool with his spiky bleach blonde hair don’tcha think?  Video: 3 wiggling butts is one of the first things we see.  Nice.  Looks like this video’s gonna tell another story.  What the heck?  What is he wearing around his head?  Hmm.  Quite the trippy video.  And he’s still singing with that thing on his head?  I keep laughing every time I see it.  Did he think that was cool?  And what’s with those women wearing black latex suits?  Are there enough crosses in that church?  Is he getting his point across well enough?  And you gotta have some smashing glass everywhere right?  A video just isn’t cool without it.  OK.  And then when she enters the church again they just put the whole previous montage on repeat?  Really?  What the heck?  ACK!  Is the rest of it now on repeat?  OK good.  It’s not.  It’s true what he’s singing here.  There’s nothing like things going wrong in the kitchen: you know, the toaster explodes…

5. Venus By: Bananarama

LOVED this song.  LOVED them way back when.  I wore out my cassette tape of their music.  They were cool and deep.  I just couldn’t believe this was a remake at the time.  So for the sake of this commentary, we’ll act like this is an original.  Video: Nice red room with a crooked painting in the wall.  And then the three of them dance in front of the camera.  Of course.  What else would there be to do?  Of course they’re doing the move with swishing their hand in front of their face over and over again.  Love what the goddess is wearing.  That’s the goddess right?  Whats with the psycho-eyed vampire lady in the coffin?  And of course there’s a fire video effect.  Duh.  And now we see lots of scantily clad men.  Alrighty then.  So she’s the devil?  She’s a sorceress?  I’m so confused.  And of course we need to see them in different outfits dancing in front of the camera in flashing lights this time.  Help!  That big bow on her head is gonna swallow me up.  So the message I’m getting is that women are trouble.  And this version is sung by women.  OK.  Thanks.

That was fun!  See you next week for more I’m sure!

Categories: '80s | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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