It’s Finally Coming Out

Oh, she has a “fancy” phone, whatever that is, so she must have money. Therefore, she cannot complain about having no money. She cannot go on disability. She cannot ask for money from the government if she needs it. She cannot get food stamps. She cannot cannot cannot. WHOA! Hold on! She could just have been connected to a good phone plan from a long time ago, been offered the phone for free as an upgrade, been given the phone as a gift, bought the phone on ebay, the list is endless. The phone has nothing to do with anything! I see this kind of post so much and it makes me sick to my stomach. Mind your own business. In all that time you were judging somewhere like on Facebook, you now need to explain the time you used on Facebook and please tell me what you were using to get on Facebook. Was it a computer? What kind of computer? How much did you spend? Why did you spend that kind of money on that? You should have been spending that on something else? I’ll tell you what you should have been spending it on. You must have money if you have a computer. Did you use a phone? What kind? You must have money. Where do you get all your money? Have you ever complained about money? Something tells me you have. It’s the nature of the beast to do so. So answer my demands. Tell me everything. What do you have to say for yourself? Now how does it feel?

Yes, I sound angry. I am angry. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, lupus, IBS, migraines, numerous other ailments and I’m on the road to another major diagnosis very soon. I had a Private Disability Company judge me because I could write a blog, this blog, and stop paying me because I could write a blog post sometimes so I must be able to write. I have not been able to post about this and it has been years since this happened. Can you imagine? They made me feel so horrible about myself that I have been pretty darn quiet since? How dare they? Did they ever ask what it took for me to write? How much it hurts my hands and arms every time I type? How hard it can be for me to think sometimes and even put words together in a full sentence? How fatigued I’ll be after I write this? How I have been in bed all weekend and missing family time with my husband and my kitty because the threat of rain has been so bad in the atmosphere and my body is so sensitive that I can feel it so much and I have felt so incredibly terrible? That writing a blog has nothing to do with working a full time job, especially the one that had me go on disability in the first place? That leaving that job was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my whole life? That it broke my heart to leave my work family, call in sick one day and not know that I was not coming in ever again? That I never got to say goodbye to so many people I care about? That I still dream of that place and all of those people? That I still grieve over not being able to work? That I just want to wake up one day and feel good?

And I am on Social Security Disability. Yes I am. I will tell you something. It does not pay much and yes I am grateful for it. Please do not let the government lead you to believe that people are mooching off of the government with it and having spending parties with it. There is so much talk about it right now. Listen to me and other people who are trying to live on it. First of all, it is not an entitlement. I paid into this the entire time I worked. It is not free. It is my right. How dare they say otherwise? We all pay into this. We all have a right to it. When I made the ridiculously hard decision to go on disability, they made me wait six months, then they denied me, then I appealed, then I waited so much longer, then I had to go to a court hearing and wait to see the judge only to learn that “the judge wasn’t ready to see me” (can you imagine?????) so I had to wait another five weeks to try again to appeal in front of this judge, thankfully I had an attorney’s office who was very thorough and had me very ready and it wasn’t a long hearing, I waited another two months at least for her final decision that was finally an approval, then I waited another two months at least for social security to pull the paperwork together, they paid me retro pay from when I first applied (yet I had no compensation until then which was nearly two years) and then they paid me only a percentage of what I had been paid, which was not much, from my job when I was employed.

I’m going to tell you something else you may not know. Two years ago, at the start of the New Year, Social Security’s rate went up I believe 3% to cover “cost of living” as they call it which cracks me up. Last year, it did not go up at all. This year it went up, 0.3%. Huh? What is that amount? That is basically nothing. I saw no increase in anything. I am insulted to be honest. Why did they even bother? Did they think it would look bad to give us 0% again? Come on! But money can go to wars and defense and blah blah blah.

Look, I’m not perfect. I judge, question and assume too but I’m really trying not to and I like to think I’ve gotten better. I’m a work in progress.



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One thought on “It’s Finally Coming Out

  1. This is the first blog of yours, I saw it thru a friend Joe Wilson ( who I love) Your story is almost word for word mine! I don’t think I have cried so much in my whole life until facing this whole process. My diagnosis is different but we share many symptoms, my disease is rare and little is known and almost no treatment. There is research going on now, so we will see how the rest plays out. i also had to leave a job I loved and was once really good at. 8 days after leaving my job (and then facing the 2 yr wait exactly like yours, for disability) I unexpectedly lost my mom. So this March will be the 3 yr mark since losing, job, mom, mind! I like you am a work in progress, and I want to thank you, I really try to stay positive, have a great sense of humor, but t helps to know that someone else knows my struggle. It makes you feel connected.Though I would not wish my trouble on anyone else, it helps to know someone else is there too! As crappy as that is. I have a friend who also has MS and can maybe help with information on different treatments she has had, very high cost new treatments she can tell you about. She lives in a big city and has been fortunate to get help and help with treatment funding etc. Please let me know if you would like to talk with her, she is very knowledgeable and willing to talk to anyone. Thanks so much you have inspired me to write a blog too!

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