I’m not OK. There I said it.

I’m not OK. There I said it.

I still struggle with admitting that I’m not OK. I’ve gotten so much better at being honest and telling the truth when I’m struggling and having a hard time. But as I write this now, somehow saying “I’m not OK.” feels really raw and vulnerable.

I’m not OK.

Can you say it?

Here try it. Even if you are OK, try it. Humor me.

Ready?

All together now in unison. Let’s clear our throats. Wiggle our butts in our chairs. Get our hands ready if we’re holding our phones and/or tablets. Shake it out maybe. Circle those shoulders in and out. If you have some carpal tunnel like I do, take some time to shake your hands out. Sure, crack those knuckles. Stretch a bit. Maybe go get a snack. Procrastinate a bit more.

OK. For reals now. I’ll put quotes around it so we all know when to say it.

“I’m not OK.”

How’d it feel? Maybe it’s just my issue. Maybe it’s all in my head. It very easily could be. I might be the only one in the whole world, heck the whole universe that cannot say those 3 words easily and really mean them. That’s the trick. Making them into a whole sentence. Making them REAL.

So right now, it’s great for me to write since writing is a part of me. It’s so good to get it out. However, I’ve learned over the years that I need to say whatever it is that’s bothering me so much OUT LOUD for it to lose its power. Isn’t that interesting? I always thought that something would gain power if I said it out loud.

It doesn’t. It comes out of my mouth REALLY BIG and then it dissipates into the air because I have to be reminded a lot that the Earth’s air is way too powerful to carry a little carbon dioxide coming out of my mouth let alone something that feels negative. And guess what? It’s just lil ole me. I’m not that powerful either. Yet I’m bigger than three little words that are true only to me, need to be expressed and then I get to feel them because they tell me I’m human and as humans we have the just fabulous privilege of feeling feelings.

Yay humans.

So now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna say, “I’m not OK.” to myself at least 5 times out loud. I’ll be right back. I won’t be long. You probably won’t even notice.

…………………

So I’m back. Did you miss me? Phew! I think that helped a bit. I feel a bit lighter.

I noticed a few things that happened. Well you know, I just had to do everything I told you to do to prepare like, situate myself in the chair, shake myself out a bit, and then I pulled away from the computer and tried to get into a bit of a quiet mode and detach a bit. I kinda meditated a bit too. And ha ha 5 times just wasn’t gonna cut it for me. I was so not listening to me. Nope. No way man. I lost count how many times I had to say it until I think I actually heard it internally in my body and then actually acknowledged it in my brain. I was owning it. I think when I was first saying it, my mind pushed back and the anxiety started and I DID NOT want to admit it and own it. But as I kept saying it, I could feel my muscle tension lesson and my heart beat start to calm down as the anxiety started to go away. I could feel myself start to accept that truth JUST FOR NOW.

JUST FOR NOW.

NOW: similar to MOMENT, PRESENT (at least in my understanding)

So that’s what it is. And that’s all it needs to be.

I’M NOT OK. JUST FOR NOW.

OR

JUST FOR NOW. I’M NOT OK.

Yeah I know. GRAMMAR ALERT GALORE!

Anyway, yet again I’ve learned that it’s OK to not be OK. I think I will need this reminder alI my life. I hope if it’s something you didn’t know, you needed to learn it, you needed it in some way when you read this, and that there are others out there struggling with it too.

In a world that PUSHES constantly for everyone to:

-PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

-BE GRATEFUL

-THAT ONLY YOU CAN BE HAPPY

-THAT YOU DECIDE TO BE HAPPY

-AND WE MAKE OUR MINDS TO BE POSITIVE ALL THE TIME

-(OH AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT “BEING STRONG”)

–To admit “I’m not OK” can feel like I am trying to fit through that really tight space on a bus, airplane, train, subway, at a concert, on an amusement part ride and the list goes on. You know what I mean? And I feel like “this really should be ok but WHY IS THIS SOOOOOO HARD?”

If you get me, I get you.

Love you.

I was not OK when I started writing this.

I’m getting better now. It’s all a process.

Thank you.