My 200th Post and I just Wanna Write

It’s 2016. My last post was in 2014. I guess some time has passed huh? So like how are ya? This is kinda awkward. I feel like I need to fill in some time or something.

But I just wanna write.

I have been playing around with the idea of writing on this Blog again for awhile. But we thought something was wrong with it and life, well life has been really getting in the way lately and this has not been the priority.

I’m still debating writing a Blog. I might write my Book. I think this will be good practice for awhile again. I came back on here a few days ago and read some of my old stuff and it was weird. I remember that Nahleen. I don’t think I’m here anymore. I keep changing. A lot’s happened but if you asked me what, I’d say I dunno. I think a lot of it has to do with acceptance. Acceptance of myself is a big one. Acceptance of my life. I wish that meant a big party and celebration but it’s not really like that.

I’ve dealt with so much of the STRUGGLE. Actually, I’ve dealt with a good chunk of the old stuff so much so that I thought I’d add more and find more help for myself and struggle some more. So here I am in the middle of the night like most nights trying not to think about meeting so many new doctors throughout August because the 2 main Specialists really aren’t enough. I want more in my life and I’m digging deeper. I WANT BETTER. That takes work. And my mind is mish mashing all over. I’m still wondering about lyme disease (yep that’s on the plate now too), the constant pin cushion I am, the summer symptoms, Cambria, choices, rainbows, parking cost, knitting, silver shoes, I need to sleep, UGH all the phone calls I have to make still, when will she stop calling me about billing, fun, why is my belly acting up again, do I really have MS and lupus,we need food, I’m so sad, I’m so relieved, oh thank goodness, wow those old pictures of me even from 5 years ago show me just how much more alive I look now I need to remember that, my hair needs to be RE-SASSYED but really WHY ARE ALL THE PASSWORDS NOT WORKING FOR MY EMAIL ON MY PHONE AND iPAD?!

Yet my back hurts a lot all the sudden and I could not wake up today and I feel yucky. Tomorrow I get to start a horribly inconvenient sinus rinse that I have to do all day…and I get to continue that daily for at least a month. I also need to see my therapist for the first time in a month. I’d love a “normal” life.

And I just wanna write.

Yet as I pulled this up to write just now I was gonna just close it and go to bed. I couldn’t stop myself. I was reminded that I wasn’t as fatigued the other day when I wrote some stories to people. It actually woke me up. I AM A WRITER. I need to state and be proud of it and accept it and not feel shy to say it. It is my TRUTH. For a couple months the push has been on to write again. One friend who also writes told me to just write write write (and said much more than that but I think you get the idea). That person inspired me more than they know. Then out of the blue that person shared their writing with the masses. And I was like well dang. I gotta get moving. Another friend just out of the blue told me the other night that I should write a book or a Blog in the midst of what she was saying to me and I was like, OK OK UNIVERSE I’ll write.

What I don’t like is the extra details on here right now. They are distracting me. I wanted to change my picture because it’s a very old picture of me and I don’t like it. But I can’t figure out how to do it. You’d think it would be easy. Then it asked me if I wanted to change another image and that seemed way too easy. Then it wanted to know if I wanted to add a “SLUG”. Oh I want to give a Slug all right. Not to Word Press though. And then later it will be “oh so good for me to add tags so people find me” and like me and Follow my Blog. Yeah. Another time.

I just wanna write.

In the meantime, Hi. I’m here. It’s August 1, 2016. Nice to see you.