Life Disrupted

So I’m going along with my life and then I wake up on Wednesday morning and all I can think of is, “Ugh”.  That’s it.  How was I feeling?  Ugh.  My whole body was yelling at me.  Aches, stiffness, fatigue were consuming me.  So I had to go back to bed and rest for the rest of the day and pay for it when I was moving around and pay for it when I wasn’t.  And then what I considered a short list of things to do for the day became too long and I had to cut it down even more.  I had to keep it simple. 

This is my life.  I go along my way and try to pick myself back up from a “down” time and then my body says, “not uh, not doing anymore right now” and I have to go along with it and stop where I am no matter what is going on.  Or I don’t have to go along with it and then I pay for it even more.  Yeah.  That’s not so fun.  My life becomes a Life Disrupted.  Disrupted yet again by multiple sclerosis (MS) or lupus or a combination of the 2 or anything else can come up like an upper respiratory infection that my body gets often and I’m down and having to rest.

It’s so frustrating.  I can’t even write much right now because my hands and arms will get inflamed and hurt and get stiff just from typing this.  So I have to be careful.  But then how careful should I be?  I don’t want to get sucked into a big black abyss of isolation and darkness because I had to stop things where they were just to take care of my body yet again.  But I also don’t want to push it too hard and suffer more and longer.  Where’s the balance?  Is there a balance?

So then I just have to go with it.  I don’t want to have to go with it.  I don’t want there to be anymore of these waves.  I don’t want MS or lupus anymore.  I never wanted them for that matter.  I just want to be me.  I just want to live my life. 

And that is my reality.  I will go along on my life’s journey and then I will get kicked in the butt again and have to stop and in some ways start over.  I don’t ever seem to start over where I left off before but take just a different version of the journey because each time my butt gets kicked by MS and/or lupus I change just a little bit.  Then my life changes with me.  And I go from there. 

I tell you.  I’m tired of it.  But I will keep on going.

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