So I’m going along with my life and then I wake up on Wednesday morning and all I can think of is, “Ugh”. That’s it. How was I feeling? Ugh. My whole body was yelling at me. Aches, stiffness, fatigue were consuming me. So I had to go back to bed and rest for the rest of the day and pay for it when I was moving around and pay for it when I wasn’t. And then what I considered a short list of things to do for the day became too long and I had to cut it down even more. I had to keep it simple.
This is my life. I go along my way and try to pick myself back up from a “down” time and then my body says, “not uh, not doing anymore right now” and I have to go along with it and stop where I am no matter what is going on. Or I don’t have to go along with it and then I pay for it even more. Yeah. That’s not so fun. My life becomes a Life Disrupted. Disrupted yet again by multiple sclerosis (MS) or lupus or a combination of the 2 or anything else can come up like an upper respiratory infection that my body gets often and I’m down and having to rest.
It’s so frustrating. I can’t even write much right now because my hands and arms will get inflamed and hurt and get stiff just from typing this. So I have to be careful. But then how careful should I be? I don’t want to get sucked into a big black abyss of isolation and darkness because I had to stop things where they were just to take care of my body yet again. But I also don’t want to push it too hard and suffer more and longer. Where’s the balance? Is there a balance?
So then I just have to go with it. I don’t want to have to go with it. I don’t want there to be anymore of these waves. I don’t want MS or lupus anymore. I never wanted them for that matter. I just want to be me. I just want to live my life.
And that is my reality. I will go along on my life’s journey and then I will get kicked in the butt again and have to stop and in some ways start over. I don’t ever seem to start over where I left off before but take just a different version of the journey because each time my butt gets kicked by MS and/or lupus I change just a little bit. Then my life changes with me. And I go from there.
I tell you. I’m tired of it. But I will keep on going.