So I wake up this morning and I’m wondering, how do I feel? Will I be ok tonight? What should I do? How should I do it? And the questions go on and on.
Over a month ago I bought tickets to see a favorite band of mine, Guster, perform tonight at Largo at 10pm. That’s late for me. BUT I was too slow to get tickets to their earlier show (it’s AMAZING that their 1st show sold out so fast since they have a history of struggling to gather audiences in LA) and I was poking around their site and saw that there was a 10pm show and I thought, you know what? I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna take that chance and I’m gonna buy those tickets and I’m gonna be a person who actually is out after 10pm on a Friday night and I’m going to have a life. And…if on the crappy chance I feel awful that day then I will decide accordingly whether to go or not.
Well the good news is that I don’t feel crappy today. However, I have spent the past 2 days on my butt and feeling like my butt has been kicked and then trying to recuperate from that. It is hard to have your butt kicked, let me tell ya, but I am starting to get off my butt. What I do feel is wary. I feel cautious. I feel overly worried. I wonder if it’s a mistake to go or even not to go. I weigh everything way too much. And do I stand a lot or do I sit? Yeah, I slept more to try to get some more rest but should I try to take a nap? What should I eat special? How will the seats be? How far away do we have to park? Where’s the restroom? Will I be able to bring in water and will they have water there? How long will it go? I hope they’re good. I could go on and on with what my head is telling me but you get the idea. I already have a really busy head but now I’m being overprotective of me because I have MS and lupus and to add more fuel to the fire in my head, they’ve both been flaring up on me this week. Isn’t that always the way? I felt a lot better overall before that but then, no, right before the show I have to be kicked on my butt yet again.
But then I think about how nice it will be to get out. How giddy I’ll be to be out with Corey. How giddy I’ll be about seeing live music. How excited I’ll be to see my favorite band, Guster, perform and I’ll be able to have fun and I just know that there will be times I won’t be thinking about my life and my current situation and I might even get glimpses of forgetting how I’m feeling physically. What a novel idea.
So I’m gonna try to enjoy myself and take care of me today and give myself extra love and try not to worry about it. It will all work out. It always does.
This should all be easy right? It is just a concert. But it’s not. It’s me with MS and lupus and my body comes first. Sometimes that means my mental sanity needs to come first so I can feel better overall. It’s about balance.
And I will keep trying to find it.