Today I had to ask for help. I had to speak up. I had to stand up for myself. I don’t know why it is so hard to do that but the truth is, it is REALLY HARD. I had to ask for money. I had to say that I deserve more money. I had to express myself and tell the person on the phone I need help. I needed her specific help and yes it was personal. It felt liberating and awful at the same time. But the truth is, we all need help at some point or another and I need it now.
I NEVER wanted to be Disabled. I NEVER wanted to have to be on Long Term Disability, but ever since I have had to be, I have felt like I have been punished for having 2 diseases and not being able to keep up with “the rest of the world”. Because I couldn’t keep up with what society has deemed the acceptable way to operate–working our butts off up to and over 40 hours a week usually 9 to 5–I have to explain every little bit of me…of why I need help…why I need financial assistance to survive in society and to keep a roof over my head. I have to share the vulnerable parts of me to try to convince them: the fatigue, the pain, the stiffness, the weakness, the digestive problems, the balance issues, the cognitive issues, the heat fatigue, the sun sensitivity, the unpredictability–the idea that EVERYTHING I do is an event. Yes, an event. I have to make it clear that it takes me 4 hours to get ready after getting up in the morning. And then what do I do? I spend the day dealing with medical business such as doctor appointments and if I’m lucky, trying to rest and recover (so that perhaps one day I can work at least part time again…or even feel better again). Nobody wants to hit that wall I hit in June 2010. I don’t wish it on anyone and I am still recovering in March 2012.
So if I hadn’t asked for help today and spoken up for myself and at least tried to make the person on the other end (the one who might just be able to help me in this instance) then I would be screwed. I don’t know how I’d pay for rent or even groceries or gas for my car, and I don’t use much gas. And if it doesn’t work out, at least I spoke up for myself. I am reminded all the time that this is not personal, it’s business and it’s all part of the game.
But here’s the point: IT IS PERSONAL and I am the one affected every day.