Today I had to ask for help. I had to speak up. I had to stand up for myself. I don’t know why it is so hard to do that but the truth is, it is REALLY HARD. I had to ask for money. I had to say that I deserve more money. I had to express myself and tell the person on the phone I need help. I needed her specific help and yes it was personal. It felt liberating and awful at the same time. But the truth is, we all need help at some point or another and I need it now.
I NEVER wanted to be Disabled. I NEVER wanted to have to be on Long Term Disability, but ever since I have had to be, I have felt like I have been punished for having 2 diseases and not being able to keep up with “the rest of the world”. Because I couldn’t keep up with what society has deemed the acceptable way to operate–working our butts off up to and over 40 hours a week usually 9 to 5–I have to explain every little bit of me…of why I need help…why I need financial assistance to survive in society and to keep a roof over my head. I have to share the vulnerable parts of me to try to convince them: the fatigue, the pain, the stiffness, the weakness, the digestive problems, the balance issues, the cognitive issues, the heat fatigue, the sun sensitivity, the unpredictability–the idea that EVERYTHING I do is an event. Yes, an event. I have to make it clear that it takes me 4 hours to get ready after getting up in the morning. And then what do I do? I spend the day dealing with medical business such as doctor appointments and if I’m lucky, trying to rest and recover (so that perhaps one day I can work at least part time again…or even feel better again). Nobody wants to hit that wall I hit in June 2010. I don’t wish it on anyone and I am still recovering in March 2012.
So if I hadn’t asked for help today and spoken up for myself and at least tried to make the person on the other end (the one who might just be able to help me in this instance) then I would be screwed. I don’t know how I’d pay for rent or even groceries or gas for my car, and I don’t use much gas. And if it doesn’t work out, at least I spoke up for myself. I am reminded all the time that this is not personal, it’s business and it’s all part of the game.
But here’s the point: IT IS PERSONAL and I am the one affected every day.
Nahleen.com: On the Inside Looking Out 
It most certainly IS personal!
HI Danica!
Thanks so much for reading my Blog and for Commenting! Yay!
And yes it is very personal. Crazy personal. Sometimes too intense. What’s so very cool is that I didn’t really remember what I had written so I went back and read it and was very moved by it. Sometimes I can’t believe this is me and I’m writing these Blogs. I think that is one of my favorite posts so far. There’s something about sharing the pain. It is so real.
Nahleen. Thanks for the personal insight. people need to really listen to what others are going through and stop this whining of how reaching out inconveniences them. 4 hours to get ready! Wow. I realize how much I take for granted. Frankly, I was never good at asking for help until I became a mom.
Hi Mary!
Welcome to my Blog! How did you find your way to it? I was looking at your website. Is that your company and are you in Florida? I was so excited to see I had reached someone in Florida!
You are very welcome for the personal insight. I have wanted to express myself for a long time and I guess it is the right time for it to come out. I love reaching out and connecting with people. It makes my day. You made my day!
I can understand that you would need to ask for help as a Mom. I hope you got it. For me it is always hard to ask but so worth the rewards when I do, even if I don’t get exactly what I asked for.
Thank you for reading and for commenting!!!!!
take care,
Nahleen