I WANT OUT!!

I want out.  I want out of my head.  I want to be able to move on.  Yeah I can say that I don’t want lupus or multiple sclerosis but if I’m going to be stuck with them then I want to be able to feel well enough to do more than what I do.  I don’t want my life to be defined by doctors and medications and health insurance and disability and all kinds of crap like that.  I want to be defined by who I am.  I want to do more than what I’m doing.  Or is it that I want to do more or that I want to be more creative and more fulfilled?  I have a feeling it’s both.

This is where the blog comes in.  I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to write.  It’s probably been since I was born.  I wrote quite a bit in school and then lost it.  Then when I tried to bring it back out to express myself I had a block up or at least that’s what it felt like.  I had also gotten into using my hands more with television and film production and expressed myself that way.  Then in 2002 when I was diagnosed with MS the idea of writing about it started to creep in.  That was almost 10 years ago.  It has taken me 10 years to really try again.  Sure, there are older posts here on my blog from 2009 but I guess I just wasn’t ready and I know it hurt my hands and arms greatly back then to type repetitively.  Then when I was diagnosed with lupus in 2010 it really hit me that I needed to start writing yet again.  So I did write and I kept those writings on my iPad only.  Good place for them.  At least I wrote right?  Then I stopped again.  It was so hard to write and think about what I was going through and I was soooo busy trying to medically get better.

Well, I think it’s time to get back to me and what my soul needs.  So say I was born with this NEED to write and express myself.  Sounds like that’s what I need to do in order to get out of myself.  I need to get out.  A lot of the time I can’t seem to get out and go far physically or even mentally so I need to stay in and yeah I have a roof over my head but those walls can close in on me.  Thank goodness for a wonderful husband and the most beautiful kitty in the world who help keep me sane.  But I need more.  I want more.  I deserve more.  Hopefully writing can help free me.

I gotta get it out.  I gotta share it.  I gotta write it.  I gotta express it.  I don’t know if this makes any sense to you all but it makes sense to me.  Perhaps I won’t continue and will pause again…but I wrote today and I needed to get out of my head Just for Today.  Just typing this is helping me to feel better.  Let’s hope it helps.