….do anything during the summer.
Sure we’ve been blessed with cooler temperatures than the rest of the country here in Los Angeles, CA all June and into July, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t summer.
Summer, MS and lupus mean more intense sun and more heat. A BAD COMBINATION!
More intense sun and more heat mean my MS and lupus flare up more.
More flare ups mean I don’t feel as well. They mean that I find myself negotiating every action I take even more and everything takes EVEN MORE EFFORT. EVERYTHING.
I know this is how it works. The summer is hot. There’s more sun. However, logic doesn’t block the fact that I feel worse. Logic only seems to help me have answers as to why I feel the way I do.
I tend to either miss social events more or suffer more. This weekend was a great weekend BUT it was still hard. I was able to take an Indian cooking class on Saturday night and actually go and EVEN participate–BUT I had to take on the dish that didn’t require heat. Kinda hard to do but I managed it since there was one dish that mainly needed to be stirred and then put in the fridge. I still needed to wear longer sleeves because the sun’s UV rays come through windows and can still bother me. I still ended up standing a lot which was my choice but still tired me out. Sometimes sitting really isn’t the answer either. I was still out and away from my home comfort zone and socializing which I love to do but it can be tiring. It was still an EVENT.
Then Sunday I got up and baked some brownies for a post wedding potluck party. I do enjoy baking but that required heat. As much as I could’ve bought a dessert at the store I was up to making them so I did, yet that of course required heat. Then I pulled myself together and drove to the party which was kinda far away but this newlywed pair is important to me so I wanted to go and support them and I still BASICALLY felt up to it. I was at the party, wearing my hat, sunscreen, a sunprotective jacket and tried to stay out of the sun BUT it was still very hot, I could still feel the UV rays from the sun in the shade and it was one of those weird times when my MS and lupus were arguing and neither were happy. Most of the time they will deal with a compromise but this time neither was happy. With the jacket on I was too hot and my MS acted up. With my jacket off I was too affected by the sun and my lupus acted up. So I dealt as long as I could because I wanted to be there and then once I left and was in the car with constant intense sun beating on me through the windshield…
I had an awful wave of what I call “wave of weird” or “overwhelm” where I felt nauseous and too hot and too much sun and felt my body shutting down. Enough was enough. The sun was SUCKING the life out of me. Then I had this crazy wave of emotion come through me and as much as I tried to hold in the crying, I let myself cry and that was what helped the most. I surrendered. I didn’t hold it in. I didn’t fight any longer and I cried. It didn’t last long but I had had enough. When I think about it, there was nothing else to do but cry. Now one thing to note is that there is an “emotion symptom” with MS where MS can cause crazy powerful emotions and sometimes random emotions to happen and you have no control over them. I do think that was happening a bit–doesn’t happen that often but there have been times I’m pretty sure that’s what’s been going on–but most of it was that I HAD HAD ENOUGH AND I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
So once I cried, so many of my symptoms cleared up and suddenly the freeway cleared (I kid you not–different freeway but it was still noteworthy) and I was able to get home pretty fast and crawl onto my bed in the dark bedroom with the AC on and rest. Boy did that help. A LOT.
And fortunately I was a lot better after that. I was just worn out. My body was quite fatigued.
I feel blessed and grateful to say that I’ve bounced back from the episode pretty well today considering what I went through (still VERY tired), but I wanted to be honest and share with you what REALLY happened to me yesterday–what REALLY happens to me during my bad times. Parts of me still want to keep this private but I think it’s better to be REAL about this because the SUMMER IS THE HARDEST SEASON for me. It’s very hard to put this into words but I hope you have a little better understanding of what I deal with.
One day, one hour, one moment, one thing at a time…