Ugh. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want multiple sclerosis or lupus. I don’t want to wake up and try to get through another day this way. Why won’t it just all go away? I want it all to leave me alone! I’m busy!
All of these feelings just keep stirring up in me lately. I have a good idea it’s from writing these Blogs and sharing myself and digging it all up. I know it’s for the best. I know it’s healthy to feel. But it’s a lot. It’s overwhelming.
I find myself in these waves of feeling sorry for myself. I start to cry and I’m not sure why. I still have tons and tons of grieving I feel. The grief feels endless.
When I was 25 I had my life ahead of me. This was it. I was invincible. Nothing could slow me down. Go go go. Push push push. I wanted more and I was gonna get it. You name it. There were no limits.
And then life hit me in the face, in the body, the whole ego. I was knocked down. It was more mental at the time. Yeah physically I felt crappy but I wasn’t too aware of it because I was the energizer bunny and I had some major denial. I couldn’t believe I’d have to have an MRI. I couldn’t believe that the MRI technician would look at me as I came out of that AWFUL tube as if I was going to die. I couldn’t believe I would have to be rolled out to see my sister and my husband in the waiting room in a wheelchair. I couldn’t believe I was alerted to call my doctor the first thing the next morning and it was very important I do so. How did I sleep that night? I doubt I did. I was completely freaked out. I couldn’t believe it the next morning when the doctor called and told me to get to the hospital now because there was something SERIOUSLY wrong with me and she was really worred. I am truly grateful that my sister was there visiting (soooo sorry to this day that her trip was completely altered by this situation) and she helped me get through it. And then to see my husband at the hospital helped so much. I lost my innocence then. That was it. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? HELP?!
At first they thought it was a brain tumor. Then they thought it was a brain infection. Then perhaps it MIGHT be MS. Those were the 3 longest days of my life in that horrible hospital.
AND IT’S BEEN ALMOST 10 YEARS SINCE…
How did that happen? I never thought I could face another day. I didn’t know how time could pass. I was so horrified and traumatized by the entire experience. I felt weak. I felt defective. I wanted to run away from me.
But I didn’t. Somehow I didn’t. I’m still here with me. I have a wonderful husband who never left me. He has taught me how to be with me. I have loving family and friends and a major support network who has held me together. I’m still trudging on my path and along the way I picked up another disease, lupus. I still have so many of these painful feelings. I still feel weak sometimes and very much like a burden. I still feel defective. I still feel so much grief from new things and sometimes it’s the moldy kind that’s been sitting in me very down deep in my soul. Some of that is definitely coming up now.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to have to deal with it but I will. Why? Because I don’t like the other choices. I either live with it or I don’t. And somewhere along the path I have learned to slow down enough to get to know me better, to stop and smell a flower, to look up at the sky and gaze at the clouds (and they always bring me some peace), to talk to a friend, to smile and connect with a stranger and to put one foot in front of the other. And for all of these things I am truly grateful…
Thank you all for reading. This was a hard one. Sometimes it feels like a big emotional hairball that just needs to come out. This was one of them. And I am feeling some relief now.
I guess I gotta just KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON!!
Trudge trudge trudge.