WAIT

NO.

That’s what my head says. I woke up feeling awful. Heavy, fatigue in all kinds of forms, aches, stiffness, soreness (from Physical Therapy), weakness, blah, very slow and symptoms I haven’t found words for along with an overall feeling of NOT FEELING GOOD! EXHAUSTED. DONE.

Not happy. What about being like “all the cool kids” and seeing “The Hunger Games” movie on Opening Day? What about groceries? What about laundry? What about ANYTHING?

WAIT.

That’s what my body says. For 8 years (diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in December 2002) I didn’t listen to that enough and I kept doing my thing. Sure. I had to take SOME sick days when I was kicked on my butt, but I pushed and pushed through really hard and stressful days at work and I kept trying to do whatever it takes to MAKE IT HAPPEN. I had to let go of doing a lot of stuff and had changed my whole perspective of things since the MS diagnosis, so what was the problem? I mean, I had it down. If I just followed my own formula of “doing what I needed to do with my body to keep me going” then it would work. You know? That method played out until June 10, 2010 and I am still trying to recover from a COMPLETE BODY IMPLOSION.

In June 2010 I HIT A WALL. I had to be severely nauseous and unable to take any stimulation (light, sound, talking, reading, eating, you name it–what I call a Body Migraine) and have crazy high and toxic liver levels to make me STOP (liver levels are normal now thank goodness) and to make me WAIT. (More on that whole experience in a later Blog I’m sure). And then it wasn’t until August 2010 that I was diagnosed with lupus and clarity knocked me over. I had to LISTEN to my body and stop making deals with it and include it in the decisions about my life. My head couldn’t run the show anymore.

So today I STOP. WAIT. LISTEN. And I give my body RESPECT even if I’m really upset about it and I feel like I’m missing out on all the activities of “normal human lives”–as if I know what those are.

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Categories: Uncategorized | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “WAIT

  1. Pingback: Caturday: Digging for Gold Edition « Corey Blake

  2. Kendra

    “Listen to your body” sounds so simple, but boy do we fight it. Although I don’t have a chronic illness, this post really made me think about how I ignore my own body. In the past I have let myself become ill because I have pushed through pain or fatigue. It’s hard to look at our physical limitations and let them dictate how we live. We all have them. We all ignore them. I feel guilty when I let my body decide when to rest, and how ridiculous is that? I know it has to be incredibly difficult to share your experiences, but I thank you for it.

    • nahleen

      I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all to feel guilty about needing to rest. I completely relate. It took me a long long time (and I still work on it) to figure out that I wasn’t being lazy when I rested. And that Resting Is Productive. I think it’s how we as humanity have learned to survive–to keep going and going and going even without the “energizer bunny”. I think of it as the old idea of “survival of the fittest”. Well, now I think it’s ok to re-wire ourselves to think of resting and taking care of our bodies as being the “fittest” and make THAT the acceptable way of thinking. It’s definitely a Practice and I find myself having to really work on that.

      Thank you so much Kendra for your comment and for reading my blog. It’s really helpful to connect with people and to open up these dialogues so that we can be more comfortable in general. And I’m really excited to find out that I’m able to connect with people who don’t have a chronic illness too.

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