First of all thank you to Seal for this absolutely amazing and beautiful song. You and this song have carried me through many many hard times. Too many to count.
I haven’t posted much lately because I’m really working on me. And what’s been happening is that my body and mind are trying to keep up. They are trying to keep up with the past and the present while keeping an eye on the future without trying to FIGURE IT OUT. That’s a lot of hard work. A lot of introspection. A lot of NOT CARRYING it all anymore. A lot of Change. AND–a lot of rest. A lot of quiet time. A lot of landing as I float and spin around in all of this. I feel as if I’m in a snowglobe where it’s all so pretty and all the snow is spinning and swirling around so beautifully and at some point I know it will settle. I feel it inside. I have the faith.
For the first time ever I feel the most UNSAFE bringing it all up to come out–you know, that emotional crapola we all stuff in way too deep and it is very poisonous. I feel raw, vulnerable, exposed and oh so strange…Yet at the same time, I feel the most SAFE I’ve ever felt too. I know I’m in good hands. I feel the most supported, the most loved, the most taken care of I ever have in my almost 36 years. And I’m not going to think too hard about that number of 36 because it is ONLY a number. And how cool. I am headed to another year by the end of this month of May. Some people don’t get that chance.
What has been the most potent in my Healing has been all of the LOVE surrounding me and all of the LOVE I’m able to give. LOVE is truly powerful. I used to feel like talking all about LOVE was hokey, or that I’d be judged for being some light fairy silly chick with flowers in my hair. Well, first of all, I now want more flowers in my hair. There is nothing wrong with LOVING LOVE. The world needs more of it. We all need more of it. We also need to give it. Heck LOVE even needs LOVE.
And what I am finding is that I LOVE LOVE. Without LOVE I don’t believe I’d survive right now. There is TOO MUCH. Life can be TOO MUCH. But with LOVE I feel a sigh of relief. I don’t have to have any expectations with LOVE. It is all around me. It is all around us. I just gotta let myself feel it and feel it even more. You know earlier I said without LOVE I don’t believe I’d survive right now. I also want to say that without multiple sclerosis, lupus and IBS I don’t know that I’d understand LOVE the way I do now. I had to slow down. To smell a flower. To watch a flower. To look up. To see the tall trees. To see the clouds. To see the sun. To see the birds fly and float in the wind. I have had to talk to more people in general. To connect in ways I have never had to do before. I have had to survive. Right now I have so much LOVE surrounding me and given to me that I’m really trying to let it all in. I’ve learned I don’t let it in enough. Breathing it in helps the most. One of these days I’m hoping to feel settled enough with this Nahleen I’m getting to know so that I can give out all this LOVE I feel to others who are in need of it without depleting myself too much.
And with LOVE–LOVE has helped me know my name. That is one of the lines of this wonderful and passionate song Seal sings. I wanted to share it with you all. The more I hear this song the more it changes me inside and outside. It has changed my life. Thank you Seal. Thank you all. I hope it touches you as much as it has touched me.
Hey Nahleen! You said exactly why I havent posted in a long time either! Here was have been living parallel lives across town (except I am 41, not 36 and I am dealing with a different disease) but it is exactly the same what you said. ditto for me girl!