Cleo Kitty and I made it through 4 days without Corey!
On Friday afternoon, I dropped off Corey at LAX so he could fly back to be with his family for his nephew’s graduation. It was a very bittersweet experience for me not to go and be a part of it. I didn’t want to see him go because I kinda like having him around (you know–kinda) and yet I was so happy for him that he could go and participate in a family event and that Cleo and I were well enough to deal with life without him for a bit.
With Cleo Kitty’s cancer diagnosis in December 2011 and my dealing with lupus and multiple sclerosis, there is just no knowing what the right decision is for anything and if/when things could go horribly wrong. I have grown used to Corey being around and to his help in our little family unit. To have that part of us leave was scary. What if something went wrong? What if I came down with a flare up? What if Cleo suddenly got really sick? Then what?
Well we’d deal. We’d get through it somehow. It may feel like I’ve been alone these past 4 days but the truth is, Cleo Kitty and I take very good care of each other and I have a very important support system out here in LA who can help me if something comes up. We’d take it one moment at a time.
And then the idea of me not going because I was making a healthy decision not to push myself too far on what was going to be a whirlwind trip was so very hard for me. It brought back my grieving about having MS and lupus. It reminded me that I have limitations and there are some things I just can’t do…at least right now. I really struggled with that. Sure I could’ve gone…and risked feeling absolutely awful during and afterwards but I didn’t like that idea at all. I miss my family. I love my family. I hate not being able to see my family more. I can’t stand that we’re on opposite coasts…BUT I want to feel at least okay when I see them. I don’t want to feel even more tired because I was so stubborn that I just had to go. Yuck.
So you know what? Cleo and I got through. Seems like Corey did too. He’s on the flight home to us right now as I write this. I was able to take some time for me and to even relax. I don’t think I would’ve been relaxing on the trip. And I can almost bet I feel better physically now than I would’ve had I pushed myself not to miss anything and to go…to act like I can live life the way I think a “normal” person lives…as if I know.
I’ve learned yet again that it is OK to make decisions that are healthy for me and to take care of me. I am the one who has to live the closest to me. I deserve to feel better. And you know what? Cleo and I are doing pretty darn okay.
And we’ll be doing even better when we have Corey back in our lives tonight. We kinda like him. You know…KINDA.