Monthly Archives: March 2012

I sit at the table eating breakfast and I watch Cleo Kitty. She’s in the window basking in the friendship of the sun. She is most content in the sun.

In December she was diagnosed with cancer. It broke our hearts and our heads went to bad places about the outcome but here she is in late March loving life. She plays (using the hallway as a toy mouse playground, chasing ribbons, and chasing humans), she sleeps on her blankets on the bed, she eats quite a bit still, she climbs and explores and checks inventories in our cupboards, she loves getting her tail tugged, she talks quite a bit with us, she purrs a lot, she eats her dinner while we eat ours, she sits in her own chair at the dinner table if she wants, she snuggles, she gets on laps, she loves her wrapping paper, she spends a lot of time taking care of us and she puts up with us obsessively loving her probably way too much. We have been completely in love with her since her “love at first sight” experience with Corey over 11 years ago. (I’m just the extra but she’ll love me too if I’m here…) She is the love of our lives.

And most of all she teaches us how to live our lives and I notice it especially now since she’s been dealing with health problems. She lives in the moment. The Present is what’s important. That is all. Don’t think too far ahead, she’s hungry so get on that. She wants to play RIGHT NOW. She tells us more and more what she needs from us and we do our best to listen. She’s a great communicator. She also has this amazing sense of when I am not feeling well and having a bad chronic illness day. She stays around me. She snuggles and cuddles a lot. If I’m in bed more than usual she gets on the bed and keeps watch over me. I’ll always remember June 2010 when I had hit my health wall and was knocked completely over and was having what I later found out was a major lupus flare. She was there at all times making sure I was ok. She was keeping watch. I spent a lot of time in bed and she make sure to lay up against me and would stay there as long as I was there. Brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.

Thank you Cleo Kitty. You are my bestestestest friend in the whole wide world. I love you and I can only hope that I can be as there for you as you have been for me.

Patience.

Just typing that word right now bothers me. Why? Because it is something I struggle with all the time. In general for me, I have to work on having patience. When it comes to chronic illness, I feel like I constantly have to work on patience and just when I think I have it, puff, it disappears.

As someone with MS and lupus, I am very sensitive to weather changes. I guess overall it’s a really good thing I live in Los Angeles, CA because there aren’t that many weather changes. But I gotta tell ya that when there are changes in the atmosphere I can feel them all. I have been told many times in the past that I am a better weather predictor than a meteorologist. Om…great I guess? It means I’m suffering from it. Before I knew I had lupus and was on a treatment for it, I was a lot more sensitive to any rain that might be coming and could tell you right before it started because I’d start feeling a “rush of awful” all over. Now, since I’m feeling a bit better, I’m not as good at it. And you know, that’s ok with me. However, this past crazy LA storm over the weekend had my body reeling. I started feeling it a week before and was kicked on my butt most of last week until the storm started and was up and down all weekend as it was all happening. That is where I had to practice having patience about how I was feeling at all times. It didn’t help to be hard on me. I have no control over the weather. This also comes up in the heat with heat fatigue issues and MS but I’m sure that topic will come up in future blogs. So when I feel like I have no control I lose patience and of course I have no control over the weather.

I also need patience about chronic illness in general. I have limitations. No way! Really? Sometimes I still baffle myself when I admit that. I want to deny it. I’m supposed to be invincible and be able to do everything I want to do. I’m also supposed to feel perfect during a special event. As I posted in my past blog, I was not feeling as well as I’d like to going to the Guster concert and I had a lot of issues with that. But, I did go and I had a GREAT time. But back to the topic at hand (can’t lose patience with how I’m not staying on topic) I am always feeling symptoms like pain, stiffness and fatigue (to name a few) and quite often those symptoms need attention. I can’t push them away. I’ve tried to push them away before and it’s only made me feel worse and can make me even more limited. Soooo, again I have to work on patience. I have to let go of the outcomes and try really hard to let go of how I’m feeling so that I can go forward. Sometimes it means having to cancel plans, postpone plans, say no, and sometimes it means I make the decision to keep going and then I have to work on being patient about the outcome. Again, I can’t control my body and I can’t control the outcome. Ugh. Patience. Yucky.

And I could go on and on but the last thing I want to focus on is having patience with the medical business I have to keep doing. It really is never ending. I find myself dealing with Disability entities, medical insurance business, doctors, medical tests, trying to get my medications (incredibly hard to keep track of when I’m on a lot of them and it seems at all times with MS medications), exercising (includes 45 minutes of stretches EVERY day), resting, relaxing, spending time with family and friends and the list goes on and on. This is all daily. Well the medical business is not supposed to be personal but it is. I have no control over companies and/or the people who work there. I can’t control how long I’m on hold on the phone, if they will do what I ask them to do, if they are coherent, etc. I just have to go with it. And it REALLY TRIES MY PATIENCE. It’s not personal to them but it is personal to me. This is my body they are playing around with. I am not just a thing, I am a person.

So patience continues to be one of my biggest challenges but I find that when I do have some patience life is a lot easier. I feel better physically and mentally. I think a lot of it has to do with acceptance of me and where I am at the moment even with my emotions and feelings. Things are what they are.

But there I go again. I’ve just lost patience with what I’ve written. So I’ll keep working on it.

So I wake up this morning and I’m wondering, how do I feel? Will I be ok tonight? What should I do? How should I do it? And the questions go on and on.

Over a month ago I bought tickets to see a favorite band of mine, Guster, perform tonight at Largo at 10pm. That’s late for me. BUT I was too slow to get tickets to their earlier show (it’s AMAZING that their 1st show sold out so fast since they have a history of struggling to gather audiences in LA) and I was poking around their site and saw that there was a 10pm show and I thought, you know what? I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna take that chance and I’m gonna buy those tickets and I’m gonna be a person who actually is out after 10pm on a Friday night and I’m going to have a life. And…if on the crappy chance I feel awful that day then I will decide accordingly whether to go or not.

Well the good news is that I don’t feel crappy today. However, I have spent the past 2 days on my butt and feeling like my butt has been kicked and then trying to recuperate from that. It is hard to have your butt kicked, let me tell ya, but I am starting to get off my butt. What I do feel is wary. I feel cautious. I feel overly worried. I wonder if it’s a mistake to go or even not to go. I weigh everything way too much. And do I stand a lot or do I sit? Yeah, I slept more to try to get some more rest but should I try to take a nap? What should I eat special? How will the seats be? How far away do we have to park? Where’s the restroom? Will I be able to bring in water and will they have water there? How long will it go? I hope they’re good. I could go on and on with what my head is telling me but you get the idea. I already have a really busy head but now I’m being overprotective of me because I have MS and lupus and to add more fuel to the fire in my head, they’ve both been flaring up on me this week. Isn’t that always the way? I felt a lot better overall before that but then, no, right before the show I have to be kicked on my butt yet again.

But then I think about how nice it will be to get out. How giddy I’ll be to be out with Corey. How giddy I’ll be about seeing live music. How excited I’ll be to see my favorite band, Guster, perform and I’ll be able to have fun and I just know that there will be times I won’t be thinking about my life and my current situation and I might even get glimpses of forgetting how I’m feeling physically. What a novel idea.

So I’m gonna try to enjoy myself and take care of me today and give myself extra love and try not to worry about it. It will all work out. It always does.

This should all be easy right? It is just a concert. But it’s not. It’s me with MS and lupus and my body comes first. Sometimes that means my mental sanity needs to come first so I can feel better overall. It’s about balance.

And I will keep trying to find it.

So I’m going along with my life and then I wake up on Wednesday morning and all I can think of is, “Ugh”.  That’s it.  How was I feeling?  Ugh.  My whole body was yelling at me.  Aches, stiffness, fatigue were consuming me.  So I had to go back to bed and rest for the rest of the day and pay for it when I was moving around and pay for it when I wasn’t.  And then what I considered a short list of things to do for the day became too long and I had to cut it down even more.  I had to keep it simple. 

This is my life.  I go along my way and try to pick myself back up from a “down” time and then my body says, “not uh, not doing anymore right now” and I have to go along with it and stop where I am no matter what is going on.  Or I don’t have to go along with it and then I pay for it even more.  Yeah.  That’s not so fun.  My life becomes a Life Disrupted.  Disrupted yet again by multiple sclerosis (MS) or lupus or a combination of the 2 or anything else can come up like an upper respiratory infection that my body gets often and I’m down and having to rest.

It’s so frustrating.  I can’t even write much right now because my hands and arms will get inflamed and hurt and get stiff just from typing this.  So I have to be careful.  But then how careful should I be?  I don’t want to get sucked into a big black abyss of isolation and darkness because I had to stop things where they were just to take care of my body yet again.  But I also don’t want to push it too hard and suffer more and longer.  Where’s the balance?  Is there a balance?

So then I just have to go with it.  I don’t want to have to go with it.  I don’t want there to be anymore of these waves.  I don’t want MS or lupus anymore.  I never wanted them for that matter.  I just want to be me.  I just want to live my life. 

And that is my reality.  I will go along on my life’s journey and then I will get kicked in the butt again and have to stop and in some ways start over.  I don’t ever seem to start over where I left off before but take just a different version of the journey because each time my butt gets kicked by MS and/or lupus I change just a little bit.  Then my life changes with me.  And I go from there. 

I tell you.  I’m tired of it.  But I will keep on going.

Today I had to ask for help.  I had to speak up.  I had to stand up for myself.  I don’t know why it is so hard to do that but the truth is, it is REALLY HARD.  I had to ask for money.  I had to say that I deserve more money.  I had to express myself and tell the person on the phone I need help.  I needed her specific help and yes it was personal.  It felt liberating and awful at the same time.  But the truth is, we all need help at some point or another and I need it now.

I NEVER wanted to be Disabled.  I NEVER wanted to have to be on Long Term Disability, but ever since I have had to be,  I have felt like I have been punished for having 2 diseases and not being able to keep up with “the rest of the world”.  Because I couldn’t keep up with what society has deemed the acceptable way to operate–working our butts off up to and over 40 hours a week usually 9 to 5–I have to explain every little bit of me…of why I need help…why I need financial assistance to survive in society and to keep a roof over my head.  I have to share the vulnerable parts of me to try to convince them: the fatigue, the pain, the stiffness, the weakness, the digestive problems, the balance issues, the cognitive issues, the heat fatigue, the sun sensitivity, the unpredictability–the idea that EVERYTHING I do is an event.  Yes, an event.  I have to make it clear that it takes me 4 hours to get ready after getting up in the morning.  And then what do I do?  I spend the day dealing with medical business such as doctor appointments and if I’m lucky, trying to rest and recover (so that perhaps one day I can work at least part time again…or even feel better again).  Nobody wants to hit that wall I hit in June 2010.  I don’t wish it on anyone and I am still recovering in March 2012.

So if I hadn’t asked for help today and spoken up for myself and at least tried to make the person on the other end (the one who might just be able to help me in this instance) then I would be screwed.  I don’t know how I’d pay for rent or even groceries or gas for my car, and I don’t use much gas.  And if it doesn’t work out, at least I spoke up for myself.  I am reminded all the time that this is not personal, it’s business and it’s all part of the game.

But here’s the point: IT IS PERSONAL and I am the one affected every day.