Monthly Archives: August 2009

Alright so it’s been awhile since I’ve posted.  I come from a place where it’s really hard to share a part of myself.  I keep thinking that a light will go on and I’ll be ready to share this part of myself with the world.  Why is it so hard?  Will I change the universe with my blogs?  Am I that much more special that I have that kind of power?  Or is it just that I feel that now more will be expected and required of me?  What will it all mean in the end?  Can I say EGO???

Not only do I have that conflict in me but since I’ve been dealing with MS, over 7 years ago the symptoms started, I’ve been feeling like I want to hide even more.  But there is something in me that says no way.  The time is now to come out.  To express myself to the masses or at least the 1 other person who will make it look like someone else other than myself and my husband might read this.  I’m not sure what it is but it is what leads me to write these blogs.  Do I give it more power so I can write more and feel more vulnerable after sharing myself with you?  I do know that I can’t argue much with that force within me and that eventually it will win.

Ah, that gives me a feeling of relief.  Yes.  That force inside me is my inner voice waiting to be heard and when I give it a little more leg room it is relieved.  I am relieved.

So what is wrong?  What will happen?  You might know me.  Great.  It’s about time.  I’ll let you know when I come out and then maybe you’ll read this too at some point and I won’t just keep it to myself.  After all, what good is a voice if it isn’t read, written or heard?

There’s something I must confess.  I am 2 people.  There’s the Me (in cooler weather) that is gung-ho and ready to conquer the world with more motivation than she can even handle and there’s the Me (in hotter weather) that gets overwhelmed easily and isn’t sure what to do next and sometimes even how to do it.  I think these 2 Mes existed way before my diagnosis of MS but have been magnified in the past 7 years of MS symptoms.

Right now I am the Hot Me.  The Me that needs to follow already established routines in order to function.  The Me that almost needs a script because her head is in a cloud of heat fatigue.  The Me that gets jealous when she watches the world live their lives around her.  The Me that assumes that these people have “normal” lives.  The Me that gets me into so much trouble because I end up with bruises on my body from mentally beating Me up.  The Me that needs to remember to take it one day at a time while it’s hot.  The Me who watches her husband put on warmer clothes while he’s in the apartment because the AC is on full blast and it still doesn’t sink in internally in My body.  The Me that forgets that one day the heat will end and that there is another, more confident Me out there just waiting till it gets cooler.  The Me that needs to be gentle with myself and keep it simple even more in order to survive.  That’s where I am right now.  When it gets cooler I’ll make sure to tell you about the other Me.  Right now I gotta go put myself in the freezer.

Maybe one day these Mes can unite and I can be a Me that is able to comfortably put up with any temperature.